“My Relationship with My Mom Changed When I Had a Baby” – Expert Shares Tips on How to Cope with This Challenge

It’s natural for the relationship between mother and daughter to change when the adult daughter has a baby, but adjusting to that change can be a challenge. An expert explains why these differences happen and what you can do about them.

Your mother can be a fantastic source of support once the baby is born, and mothers who have the support of their maternal grandmothers are less likely to struggle with their mental health if they receive regular support from them. Having a mother willing to look after the child can be a great help to parents, and some may even retire early to help with their grandchild.

While this is all very positive, if you’re one of those people whose relationship with your mum changes when a baby comes along, it can be quite a challenge. Mum-of-two Jess tells us: “My mum and I always had such a strong relationship. I’d ring her all the time and she’d just come over to my house unannounced and change things – it didn’t bother me, it was just who we were. When I had kids, I suddenly found the lack of boundaries annoying but didn’t know how to enforce them – and I developed a bit of resentment towards my mum.

She also never had particularly strong opinions about anything when I was a kid. But then she started obsessing over my kids’ vitamin intake and bringing them multivitamins and fluids to add nutrients to their food. There were other things that I found strange, and I noticed that I started avoiding seeing her, which I never felt the need to do, ever. It was really confusing that I suddenly felt that way about her.

To better understand the changing dynamics that some people experience after having children of their own, we spoke to Helen Hazell-English, a BACP registered counsellor. Helen tells us that it’s not always easy to pinpoint the cause of a change in mother/daughter relationships, saying: “There can be a number of interconnected reasons why a mother/daughter relationship may become strained after the arrival of grandchildren. These will depend on the personality, values and life history of the individual, as well as their past and present relationships. In addition, the context, which includes family dynamics, culture, time and place, and socio-economic stressors/privileges, can also affect their relationship.”

However, Helen outlines the most common reasons for this change in mother/daughter relationships:

Top 3 Reasons for Changes in Mother-Daughter Relationships

The difficult experiences of childhood come flooding back to the consciousness of a new mother raising her own children. Being around her own parents while she processes this can be liberating.
Differences in ideas/updated knowledge about parenting. For example, very often modern parents try to show their children a lot of respect, emotional intelligence and support – even though they may have been raised in a more authoritarian and emotionally suppressed way.
Difficulties adjusting to new roles. For example, (grandmother) may have difficulty accepting her daughter as an authority figure in parenting and adulthood. There may also be differences in expectations about the amount of help required from grandparents or contact with grandchildren. An already strained relationship may also become more obvious when there is an expectation of more contact.

Helen adds: “All of these reasons fundamentally come down to communication – in particular, difficulty talking respectfully about what we want and need, and our boundaries.

And what makes it worse is that women are often raised to be “good girls” who communicate in a more passive way and worry about annoying and caring for others. This dynamic can really unsettle mothers and daughters at a time when the family system has changed – the daughter has changed and is re-evaluating everything in her life!”

Jess says this really resonates with her, telling us: “I was your quintessential ‘good girl’. I never spoke up if something was bothering me, and I went out of my way to make sure everyone around me was okay, and I was a people pleaser and a peacemaker. I think this lack of boundaries is manageable until a baby comes along and changes everything.”

When I had my children, I developed a fierceness and confidence that I had never had before, and I think my mother unconsciously responded to the fact that she no longer had “control” over me, and I did not have the communication skills to overcome what had driven us apart.

“Women are often raised to be ‘good girls,’ who communicate in a more passive way and worry about being annoying and caring for others. This dynamic can really unsettle mothers and daughters when the family system has changed—the daughter has changed and is reevaluating everything in her life!”
Helen Hazell-English

What can you do to rebuild the mother-daughter relationship?

Helen recommends the following tips:

Don’t just hope that everything will work itself out.Helen says: “Just living with the way things were rarely works, but having constructive conversations about how to be creative and adapt as two people who love each other is something that many of us struggle with. I wish there was more awareness that all relationships change after having children.”
Try not to feel threatenedHelen adds: “Rather than feeling threatened, we should expect the relationship to look a little different and work on it with our nearest and dearest – with great grace for all, but especially for the new mum who is finding her way in her new role.
Provide a safe place for both parties to express their feelings. Helens tells us: “Working towards a better relationship ideally involves both parties feeling safe to express how things are going – without judgment. It’s also important to work through the things that aren’t working and what their hopes and wishes are – recognising that ‘it takes two to tango’. Of course, this assumes there are no abusive dynamics.”
Explain what you want. Helen suggests that her daughter take time to think carefully about what went wrong. She says, “She could explore and clarify what she wants, what she can and can’t control, what her limits are, and what she can and can’t accept in her relationship with her mother. And also what is realistically possible.”
If you need help, please seek help from a specialist. Helen continues: “This is a complicated interpersonal communication at a stressful time for a new parent. If the parties have very different levels of emotional maturity or comfort in discussing the relationship, it may be necessary to seek professional help.”
Accept that you may not get the result you want. Although it may be upsetting, the mother/daughter relationship can be changed for the better. Helen concludes: “There may be some mourning and letting go. Perhaps a more functional, happy, and less painful relationship is possible, but one in which certain goals of emotional intimacy cannot be achieved.”

Family dynamics are hard to understand, especially if you think you have toxic motheror you need to find room with absent parentsGrowing up with emotionally immature parent can impact you as an adult and be equally difficult to understand.

Helen Hazell-English

Helen Hazell-English is a BACP Registered Counsellor and Founder of Mum Therapy. Helen offers online counselling for mums and mums-to-be and has a particular interest in normalising mixed feelings about motherhood. She supports her clients with an early years intensity, focusing on their own needs and personal development.