Women often have trouble interpreting their partner’s feelings.

There is a new theory about the disproportionate expectation that women in heterosexual relationships are expected to be “relationship experts.” It also considers how this hermeneutical work is critical to relationship success but is often undervalued and can lead to women’s dissatisfaction.¹

Note: I will highlight some ideas in Dr. Anderson’s article, but I highly recommend reading the original source.¹

In this 2024 YouTube video on hermeneutical work, Dr. Ellie Anderson explains how women in heterosexual relationships are typically responsible for a deeper kind of emotional work, where they are tasked with:

• “Interpreting your own feelings.
• Interpreting the feelings of others.
• We combine these feelings and present them in a neat and organized package.”²

In a 2023 article, Dr. Anderson provides an example of how both partners will likely have to manage their emotions (i.e., put in some emotional effort) when talking about some aspect of their relationship, but the woman is likely thinking and trying to interpret her own feelings, her partner’s feelings, and how to best express those feelings.¹

• Question to think about: How much time and attention do you devote to recognizing your own emotions, your partner’s emotions, and how to interpret their impact on your relationship?

Dr. Anderson states that “hermeneutical work is the strenuous activity of: understanding and coherently expressing one’s own feelings, desires, intentions, and motivations; distinguishing the feelings, desires, intentions, and motivations of others; and devising solutions to relational problems that arise from interpersonal tensions.” Dr. Anderson describes how women are often expected to act as “informal therapists for men, partners and relationships” and how this often results in a feeling of disempowerment and dissatisfaction in women.¹

• Question to think about: If you are in a relationship with a man and a woman, have you noticed this pattern in yourself?

Dr. Anderson explains that male partners often set the terms of when and how emotional expression is received, which means that they “are able to exert power by withdrawing from conversations with their partners and withholding love and affection.” Dr. Anderson describes how this can cause women in such relationships to ruminate, become preoccupied with maintaining the relationship, and can lead to mental health problems such as anxiety and depression.¹

• Questions for reflection:
  • Does trying to interpret your partner’s feelings make you dwell on and question many aspects of your relationship?
  • Have you spent time talking to friends, family, and therapists to try to understand your partner’s feelings?
  • Does this job make you depressed or stressed?

Dr. Anderson states that “…social pressures, gender roles, and the desire for intimate relationships leave women bewildered thinking that this misfortune is the price they have to payand perhaps something that can be overcome with even greater hermeneutical work.”¹

• Question to think about: Have you ever thought to yourself, “If I just work harder, I’ll figure it out?”

Hermeneutical work is important and valuable in all relationships.

The first step in dealing with this problem can be to have an open conversation with your partner. This will allow you to recognize your patterns, find out what works well and what makes one or both of you feel emotionally, mentally, and/or physically drained.

It may also be helpful to make partners aware of how gender norms have conditioned their engagement or non-engagement in certain types of reflection.

If you recognize yourself in any part of this article, it may be important for you to know treat yourself and your loved ones with kindness. You did not create gender biases that make life harder for boys and overemphasize girls to think deeply about the thoughts and emotions of others.

We did not create these norms, but we can recreate them in a healthier way.

If you found this article interesting, you’ll find some additional recommendations in this Washington Post article .³