The most important trait a romantic partner should have

When you think about what a “compatible partner” looks like, what kind of person do you imagine? Maybe you see someone who shares your sense of style, or someone who appreciates your great sense of humor. You might feel drawn to people who share your interests and hobbies, or those who communicate in a way that speaks to you. While these traits certainly play a role in compatibility, are they the hallmarks of a partner who will truly complement you in a romantic relationship?

According to the latest study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletinthese factors, while important, are not where congruence comes first. Instead, researchers suggest that personal values—our guiding principles in life—are the foundation on which true congruence lies. And among them, one value stands out in particular: self-transcendence.

This is why this moral principle has such a big impact on the quality of our relationships and why it is so important for partners to share it.

The role of self-transcendence values ​​in relationships

The study found that endorsement of self-transcendence values—that is, values ​​that motivate us to act on behalf of others and look beyond our own needs—was strongly and consistently associated with increased romantic relationship quality. At its core, self-transcendence encompasses two key principles:

• Universalism: This includes values ​​such as caring for others, respect for nature, and tolerance for differences. People who prioritize universalism care deeply about the well-being of society as a whole and the environment. In a romantic relationship, this may manifest itself as a shared concern for social issues, a commitment to sustainability, or a deep respect for the perspectives and backgrounds of the other person.
• Kindness: This reflects values ​​like dependability, caring, and humility—which focus on helping those in our immediate circle, such as family, friends, and romantic partners. In a romantic relationship, kindness can look like putting your partner’s needs ahead of your own, offering emotional support during difficult times, and making sacrifices for the sake of the relationship.

The combined values ​​of self-transcendence manifest in relationships as support, inclusion, and deep empathy for each other. When both partners are committed to these values, they are more likely to see conflicts not as battles to be won, but rather as opportunities to grow together—hand in hand.

However, when these values ​​are not shared, it can lead to significant disconnects. One partner may feel unsupported or misunderstood if the other lacks empathy or willingness to see things from their perspective. Over time, these small mismatches can accumulate into a larger, more fundamental sense of disconnection.

Why Feelings of Superiority Are a Relationship Killer

Researchers have found that personal values ​​often have dichotomous counterparts—like yin and yang. In the case of self-transcendence, its darker counterpart is self-improvement. As the name suggests, self-improvement values ​​focus on personal achievement and strength, making them the antithesis of self-transcendence.

It should come as no surprise that the study found that self-improvement had little impact on relationship quality. While self-transcendence strengthens relationships, self-improvement does little to improve them—offering no tangible or beneficial impact.

You may think it’s harmless to value your personal pursuits or ambitions more than your partner. But even if self-improvement has a neutral effect on the quality of your relationship, it’s important not to overlook the fact that self-transcendence has a tangible, positive impact. Recognizing where your values ​​lie is key, because a lack of self-transcendence can lead to subtle but significant challenges in your relationship.

Why Partners Need to Share the Value of Self-Transcendence

Imagine this: Your partner really wants to spend the weekend with you doing something fun that you both enjoy. On the other hand, you’re more interested in spending the weekend working on a personal project. Despite your different desires, you may both be thinking the same thing: “How can they be so selfish? Why can’t they see my point of view?”

You might think your partner is selfish for ignoring your need to focus on something you find valuable. On the other hand, your partner might see you as selfish for rejecting their desire for quality time and pleasure.

As the study authors note, “When people struggle with their romantic relationships, it’s easy to find fault with their partner. In our humble moments, we can also see the contributions of our own traits and habits. But what about the potential influence of our own cherished personal values?”

In such a situation, no matter how much you agree on other issues, you can still reach an impasse. Even if you are both emotionally intelligent and can calmly and effectively discuss your differences, the conflict will not necessarily be resolved. The problem is not emotional disconnection or incompatible interests; it is that your values ​​are in conflict.

This is where the difference between self-transcendence and self-improvement comes into focus. One partner is more focused on the collective well-being and the relationship itself, while the other may be more interested in individual achievements and personal goals.

If both partners valued self-transcendence, they might approach the situation differently: one might compromise by finding a project of their own to work on with the other. Or the other might give up a day of the weekend to spend with their partner and leave their project for the next day. Instead of seeing the problem as a matter of selfishness, they acknowledge the importance of the other person’s values; they transcend their own perspective to consider the other person’s perspective.

Valuing self-transcendence means valuing your partner’s well-being and, by extension, the well-being of your relationship. It means understanding that small sacrifices and compromises will yield far greater long-term benefits than simply satisfying your immediate desires. If only one of you—or neither of you—sees value in this approach, you may not be as compatible as you initially thought. The true strength of a romantic relationship may depend not on superficial compatibility that waxes and wanes over time, but on a deeper alignment of personal values.

A version of this post also appeared on Forbes.com.