How You Are Really in Relationships, Based on Your Attachment Style

When it comes to relationships, many people turn to astrology for guidance. Zodiac signs can help you learn more about compatibility, how and why you or your partner behaves in a certain way at certain times, and more. Personality types can also provide deeper insight into who you are, who your partner is, and who you are together.

However, there is another way to understand your strengths and weaknesses in relationships: attachment styles. Attachment styles come from attachment theory in psychology. This theory began with John Bowlby, who studied infant attachment, and was continued by Mary Ainsworth with children. More recently, attachment has been studied in adults.

Childhood attachment styles involve family and early friendships. The way your parents treated you as a child, even as an infant, shapes the way you interact with others and form relationships. In adults, this extends to romantic relationships, as Hazan and Shaver studied. Childhood has a lot to do with how your style develops, but the end of childhood doesn’t mean your style stops changing.

Your attachment style has a lot to do with how you behave and feel in a relationship, as well as who you choose to be with. It’s important to know your style even before you get into a relationship, because it will help you decide what you want from a potential future partner.

What do you really like in relationships, based on your attachment style:

1. Secure attachment style

For those of us who don’t fall into this style, this is the one we strive for. If you have a secure attachment style, you are in harmony with your partner. You have high emotional intelligence. This means you are also honest about your feelings. Everyone says that communication is key in relationships: in this case, people with a secure attachment style should have an ideal relationship unlocked.

RDNE Stock Project / Pexels

But while this attachment style may be ideal, it is not perfect. Everyone has bad days. It is also likely that someone with a secure attachment style is in a relationship with someone with a different style. Communication is a two-way street, so even if one person is completely open, the other may be closed off.

This doesn’t mean the relationship will fall apart. A person with a secure attachment style will understand this and encourage their partner to try being open. Generally speaking, people with this attachment style are worth keeping. According to a YouGov poll, 38% of Americans say they have a secure attachment style.

2. Anxious-absorbing attachment style

Unlike the Secure Type, who tends to be grounded in relationships, people with this attachment style tend to romanticize love. The beginning of a relationship with this type can be intense as they give themselves over to the fantasy of the honeymoon phase.

If you have an anxious-occupied style and are past this stage of your relationship, you may notice that you and your partner have problems from time to time, or even more often than usual. Despite your tendency to fantasize, you may be overly analytical about the things your partner says and does.

The ups and downs of a relationship don’t mean you have a passionate romance worthy of your favorite TV show. You may be, ultimately, a committed partner who craves love and affection, but you need a partner who understands your needs.

Diva Plavalaguna / Pexels

3. Dismissive-avoidant attachment style

This style is, in a word, independent. They don’t need to be overwhelmed by attention, nor will they do it for their partner. Intimacy isn’t their thing, just as emotions aren’t their thing.

This doesn’t mean they’re permanently withdrawn; they just like their space. This isn’t necessarily a flaw, although others might see it that way. Space is important in relationships: you need space to be your own person. Dismissive-avoidant people simply need a lot more space.

The reason people with this attachment style are so distant, even in a relationship, is because they are afraid to seem vulnerable. You don’t want others to know that their actions affect you, even your partner. Being in a relationship is important to this type, however, because they usually don’t have many close relationships of any kind.

The way you operate in a relationship also depends on your partner and their type. A partner of a different type will challenge you and your tendency to need distance.

4. Anxious-avoidant attachment style

This attachment style is rife with internal conflict that is sure to spill over into the relationship. People with this style are deeply in touch with their emotions—but they try not to be. They worry about trying to maintain a safe distance from their emotions, and by extension, from their partner.

If you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, your concern about finding the difficult, delicate balance between being too close or too far away from your partner is just a symptom of a deeper problem. You’re afraid not necessarily of getting hurt, but of hurting others. You’re afraid, fundamentally, of being a bad partner.

In the end, you’re afraid of falling behind, and it’s your fault. People with an anxious-avoidant attachment style probably aren’t a problem in relationships, because they can end up in abusive relationships. One of the most common attachment styles is a type of insecure attachment called ambivalent attachment, according to research.

Alison Cerri was an editorial intern at YourTango and currently works as an advertising specialist at HarperOne Group.