7 Unacceptable Things Grandparents Should NEVER Say or Do

It’s exciting. You’re going to be a new grandparent! It’s going to be wonderful. You’re going to bond with this baby. You’re going to help new parents learn the ropes. Wait—stop. Yes, it’s exciting when your adult child becomes a parent. But you’re entering a whole new set of relationships. Negotiating your role as a grandparent can be difficult, and how you start will set the tone for the rest of the family dynamic.

When it comes to American families, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. About 40% of children in the United States are now born to unwed mothers. About 2.6 million LGBTQ+ adults are raising children under the age of 18. Children often have more than two grandparents, as step-grandparents are often part of the picture. And 2.3 million children are raised by grandparents due to a parent’s death, incarceration, or substance abuse issues.

The image of a long-married grandparent visiting their young, married, heterosexual parents is outdated and has given way to a much more complex society. This means that the norms and conventions of parenting that were tried and tested back then may not apply today, especially with changing attitudes about parenting styles and new information about child safety. Grandparents need to figure out where they fit into this image.

“It’s always difficult when people take on roles that are new to them — and new to the culture,” says Karen Fingerman, Ph.D., professor of human development and family sciences at the University of Texas Austin and director of the Texas Aging and Longevity Center.

No matter what your new family looks like, avoid the following mistakes.

Saying, “We didn’t have all these safety rules and My “the children lived.”

Maybe so, but now we know better. Based on the latest research on child safety, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has updated its recommendations for caring for babies, from sleeping positions to feeding. For example, cases of sudden infant death syndrome have fallen by 50% in the past 20 years, thanks in large part to the AAP’s campaign to put babies to sleep on their backs in their cribs—a change from decades ago, when babies were routinely placed on their stomachs.

Your adult children are receiving up-to-date information at the hospital and at the pediatrician’s office. Denying these recommendations creates confusion and stress for parents, says Ellen Kunkle, a long-time certified childbirth educator at Maine Health Medical Center who leads workshops for both grandparents and parents.

Some grandparents don’t know the latest safety guidelines; others simply think they know better. “I hear this from new parents all the time,” Kunkle says. “A lot of new parents are determined to exclusively breastfeed, but they come home and hear, ‘Well, I sent grandpa to the store for formula because the baby just wanted more. I didn’t think the milk would be enough,’ or, ‘I told my parents to put him to sleep on his back, but when I got home, my parents said he was cranky and slept better on his stomach.’”

Best practices have changed. A lot. Grandparents should follow their parents’ lead on safety. Kunkle also recommends that grandparents, if possible, take an infant safety and CPR course and refresh their knowledge on the new rules.

Saying, “Give me the child and I will show you how…”

Exhausted parents are sometimes just as sensitive and vulnerable as their newborns. Even well-intentioned advice can easily be perceived as criticism. Yes, as grandparents you have wisdom and experience, but there is an art to providing support and expressing your opinion.

Dr. Jeremy Yorgason, a professor at Brigham Young University who specializes in family relationships in later life, said he recently spoke with a group of new grandparents who planned to help their children by giving them one piece of advice every time they came over. It didn’t go over well. The grandparents changed their approach. Now, at every visit, they tell new parents one great thing about the way they are raising their child.

“That’s a good way to go,” Jorganson said. “Don’t tell parents how to parent. Let parents be parents. Of course, they don’t know how to do everything. They have to learn and grow and become parents. It’s something new for them, but the way you interact with them now can affect things in the future.”

Refrain from giving unsolicited advice, and if you have any suggestions, do so gently and only when asked.

3. Thinking of yourself as the boss.

No, I repeat, do NOT challenge your parents’ authority. Your voice has no place in this new family dynamic. It is very sad for young parents when someone questions their decisions or ignores their principles.

As a grandchild grows older, so do the opportunities to challenge parental authority. “Your mom/dad/parent doesn’t want you to eat cookies before dinner, but grandma loves you, so it’s our little secret…”

This may seem harmless, but it’s an unhealthy dynamic that can result in parents restricting access to their grandchildren. Don’t do it.

4. Crossing boundaries.

Grandparents: Stay in your lane. Set boundaries with the new parents, coming to an understanding of what your new role will be. Boundaries vary from family to family and usually depend on the relationship you had with your adult child before the baby arrived.

Some new parents don’t want grandparents to visit them in the hospital or even at home for a few weeks. Others welcome immediate help. It is important for grandparents to be supportive and involved, but not to exceed their authority.

“If you make a decision with the belief that you are entitled to time and access to your grandchild, it will likely not be well-received and could end up being counterproductive,” Jorganson says.

Loving a new grandchild and wanting to help is wonderful. But when well-meaning grandparents swoop in and try to take over, it can be tense. Helping in other ways can be more helpful. “Find a balance between giving them space and being helpful,” Kunkle advises. “Offer help with specific suggestions: ‘I’m planning on bringing dinner over one night this week—would Wednesday be a good day, and would you prefer lasagna or roast chicken?’”

Offering to walk the dog, do the shopping, do the grocery shopping, or do the laundry gives the new parents time to get to know their child. If you live far away, you could arrange for dinner to be delivered or pay someone to do the yard work.

5. Posting photos on the Internet.

I know — your grandson is the cutest baby ever, and you miss the daily Facebook photos to show your friends and family the latest images of this adorable new wonder. Your friends do, and you can finally share your joy.

Slow down. Don’t assume it’s okay to post photos on social media. This is another area where you need to trust your parents. Today’s parents have grown up on social media and are more aware of the dangers of posting photos and personal information online than you are. Some allow it, others don’t. Respect your parents’ wishes. Your adult child is not trying to stifle your pride and excitement. Rather, they are protecting your grandchild’s privacy.

“Being on the same page about what the family wants to share and what needs to be private needs to be an early conversation,” says Max Zubatsky, PhD, associate professor and director of the Medical Family Therapy Program at Saint Louis University. “We try to prevent oversharing not only for safety reasons but also for protection and boundaries, so parents have some space.”

6. Competing with other grandparents.

It’s not uncommon for tensions to arise between two (or more) sets of grandparents. When one set of grandparents lives close by and the other across the country, the more distant pair can suffer from grandparent FOMO—the fear of missing out.

“I’ve definitely seen in my practice where distance plays a big role,” Zubatsky says. “Sometimes it wasn’t that the local grandparents were doing anything wrong. It was just that, out of fear of the more distant grandparents, they didn’t know what was going on or gave any guidance. And that caused a lot of anxiety in the couple’s lives.”

Inevitably, grandparents will have varying amounts of money, resources, time, or better health. Grandparents who live far away can still have a deep bond with their grandchildren. Avoid giving your grandchild gifts, whether you are near or far. It does not make you a better grandparent. Plus, parents are already overwhelmed by the amount of new things for their child at home.

If you turn grandpahood into a race, you will lose.

7. Raising parents.

Summary: Fade into the background.

“Making demands and telling parents what to do is basically parenting a parent, and this is where things can get worse,” Zubatsky says.

Of course, if you think your grandchild is in real danger, such as if the parents are taking drugs or there is evidence of neglect or abuse, you need to intervene, Fingerman says.

“But if there are no crisis problems – sit back, enjoy and don’t try to direct” says. “Parents always want to help their kids, but sometimes the best help is just saying, ‘You’re doing great.’ Adore your grandchild. And admire the parent for raising that sweet grandchild. Whatever they do — it has to be right. After all, you’re that parent’s parent.”

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