SEX FILES: Navigating masculinity in a shifting dating landscape

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A few weeks ago, I went for brunch with one of my platonic male friends. Leaving the restaurant, he held the door open for me.

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When I thanked him, he admitted that lately, he is unsure whether he should hold the door open for women.

“It’s now a damned if you do or damned if you don’t type of scenario,” he explained.

He worries that if he doesn’t hold the door for his date — something that comes naturally to him — he risks her thinking he has poor manners. On the contrary, he worries that opening the door for a date will come across as anti-feminist and disrespectful to her independence. This conundrum is just one of the many things that’s made him all but give up on dating.

My friend’s experiences highlight how being a man in 2024 can be a confusing experience – especially if you pay attention to social media. Between the women who I want a #maninfinance (“trust fund, 6’5″, blue eyes”) and trending hashtags like #feminineenergy and #tradwives to the legions of heterosexual women proudly eschewing men altogether as part of the #boysober movement, men are being inundated with mixed messages that reflect changing and often contradictory expectations on what it means to be a man.

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According to eHarmony’s The New Leading Man report, 25% of American men have felt pressure from a romantic partner to change their attitude and emotions (22%).

The report suggests that these shifting demands impact men’s authenticity and confidence when dating or in a romantic partnership.

“The mixed messages men receive about masculinity — from being told to be both tough and emotionally vulnerable — leads to insecurity in relationships. “These conflicting expectations can create confusion and avoidance,” he says Todd Baratz LMHC, a renowned psychotherapist, sex therapist, and an eHarmony sex and relationships expert.

Baratz, however, is careful to point out that this isn’t just a men’s issue. “Instead, it’s important that anyone regardless of gender explore a variety of different strategies for navigating these pressures and accompanying confusions.”

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If you’re a man currently struggling to find your footing in the current dating landscape, here are a few tips.

Embrace vulnerability.

RuPaul Charles said it best: your vulnerability is your superpower. When navigating these conflicting expectations around masculinity, Baratz says it begins with “embracing vulnerability as a strength, finding a balance between assertiveness and emotional openness, and communicating with partners to set clear expectations around emotional needs.”

This could be as simple as expressing to the people you date that you are confused about expectations and making space for dialogue. When you embrace vulnerability and open communication in your relationships, it gives the other person a chance to get to know the real you — and vice versa.

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Ditch toxic masculinity.

A big part of embracing vulnerability involves unlearning outdated toxic values ​​– for example, the idea that men must suppress emotion, assert dominance, and use violence to prove their masculinity. Instead, Baratz encourages men to embrace more nuanced modern values. He says, “Openness about feelings, experiencing emotions, empathy, and emotional connectedness are important for all genders and don’t have to come at the expense of independence or assertiveness.”

Have conversations about mental health.

According to eharmony, mental health is a top struggle for men yet only 23% are willing to discuss it in their relationships – likely due to lingering stigma. A shift is needed here, says Baratz. “This includes encouraging open dialogue in relationships, de-stigmatizing therapy, and emotional expression, and promoting cultural narratives that view emotional vulnerability as a core aspect of mental well-being, rather than a sign of weakness or exposure.”

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Shift the focus away from the physical.

Lastly, instead of focusing on physical characteristics when searching for a mate – something Baratz says “is a waste of time” – he encourages everyone to prioritize “emotional compatibility, kindness, attentiveness, and shared values.” It’s these factors along with mutual respect, good communication, and emotional intelligence that contribute to long-term compatibility.

In other words, while it might be nice to find a “man in finance” – or be one – specific height, occupation, and eye color requirements will only take you so far in your search for love.

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