6 Peace Phrases to Use in Marriage That Work Like Magic (Almost) Every Time

As a certified divorce mediator, I specialize in preventing divorce and saving marriages in trouble. People often ask me what I have learned, and the main lesson is that when one partner learns to let go of anger and frustration, both partners can reconnect with love.

It’s easy to get stuck in a bad pattern. Most people can relate to that moment when you look across the breakfast table at them and wonder where your happy spouse has gone. When did that person sneak into your house? When did you become so unpleasant? The good news is that lifelong couples can prevent disastrous misunderstandings by learning a phrase system.

But if you ignore the tension in your relationship for more than a few weeks, it’s like forgetting to vacuum or do the laundry—the anger builds up like dust and dirty clothes. The little annoyances grow until you want to pack a bag and ask your friends for the phone numbers of their divorce lawyers. But you can fix it.

Six Phrases That Help Make Peace in Your Marriage and Work Like Magic (in Most Cases)

Remember to adapt them to the situation and say them with love and understanding.

1. “That sounds very stressful…”

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The first step to ending an argument is to develop and practice a soft, calm tone of voice. Most divorced men and women will tell you that denials, arguments, and defensive statements are the end of a marriage, as is using an aggressive or overly loud tone, as described by the Gottman Institute.

Here’s what works.

Understand that your partner may be arguing with you because they are stressed or scared — so recognize that in your calm voice. When you have a calming, happy voice instead of a defensive, resentful one, some of the issues start to go away because you are not adding to their stress.
Practice this calm voice until you express love rather than judgment or resentment, which is a skill worth developing. Many people benefit from recording themselves on a voice memo on their cell phone and playing it back.

By learning brain breathing, you will be able to calm down in 3 minutes and truly offer your partner a peaceful home. Brain breathing is a quick technique based on yogic breathing that oxygenates the brain, calms and grounds the body.

This takes you from anxious thoughts to calm. It’s a technique to change your focus, use your full breath, activate more of your brain, and create calm and joyful thoughts.

2. “I think I understand what you are asking…”

The second step is to translate complaints, which are negative words, into needs, which are positive words, so you understand what triggers your partner and avoid unnecessary friction. Marriage and Family Magazine shows how complaints about quarrels and arguments indicate an urgent need for peace.

Wife: “He never listens to me.”

This is her opportunity to learn how to motivate her husband to listen. By talking about his needs first, rather than your own, she will be amazed when he begins to listen attentively.

Instead, try saying: “It would be meaningful to me if we could slow down this conversation and talk about what we really need. I would love it if I could express my whole thought and then you could express your whole thought. We wouldn’t interrupt each other.”

Husband: “She’s always arguing with me.”

When a husband says his wife is constantly arguing with him, he can bring peace by learning how to listen to her and then persuade her instead of reacting and fighting.

Instead, try saying: “I hear you feel like I’m not listening. I don’t want to do this. Let’s try to fix this.”

3. “I remember great moments from the past. Can we try again?”

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This Journal of Family Psychology helps us understand that verbal hostility toward sex indicates a need for more intimacy and passion, even if it sounds as if the complaint might suggest a desire for a lack of intimacy.

We often say things like this:

Husband: “You don’t touch me anymore, don’t you find me attractive?”

Instead, try: “When you ignore me at night, I assume you’ve lost interest in me. Can we talk about this and see how to heal the distance between us, honey?”

Another example

Wife: “You used to love having sex with me, and now you’d rather do anything but this”

Instead, try: “I also remember how passionate we used to be. Can we have dinner tomorrow like we used to and remember how wonderful that could be?”

4. Can we set a time to discuss this issue and come up with a plan of action?

Arguing about money sounds like it’s a complaint about how you spend your money or how much you spend, which usually means that the partner earning more is concerned about the family’s financial security or about saving for retirement, which is supported by Family and Consumer Science Research Journal.

Husband: “No matter how much money I bring home, it will never be enough!”

Instead, try: “Can we discuss our bills and see where we can save money? I want to be on the same page so we don’t end up in conflict.”

You will receive extra points if you respond to this request as follows: “Sweetie, I’m so proud of you for the success you’re having in your career. I think it would be great to be on the same page.”

5. “I want to make sure I understand how you feel…”

Conflicts about children are not always what they seem. They may sound like nitpicking, but they are always based on fear. Some partners fear that safety issues will affect the children. Others feel jealous that their children have the love and attention that their spouse desires for themselves.

Here’s an example of how a husband turned a phrase that provoked an argument into a peaceful resolution:

Wife: “You never spend time with Bobby!”

In such a situation, a husband may choose to phrase the matter in a solution-oriented manner rather than being defensive and deflecting the conversation.

Husband: “I want to make sure I understand how you feel. Are you asking me to make a plan for the three of us, or is there something you think Bobby would like to do with just me?”

-OR-

Husband: “Do you think Bobby would rather go fishing or batting practice with me? I’ve got time for both tomorrow.”

6. (insert loving phrase for dealing with jealousy)

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Jealousy is one of the worst “viruses” that can infect a loving marriage. It can start with an innocent glance at someone at a party and then engulf them in a tight embrace. Ultimately, the most loving bond is destroyed, as evidenced by research on marital problems and subsequent divorce. So try the following.

Wife: “Why did you take me to a company party if you were just going to flirt with that blonde!”

Husband: I didn’t do any of that! Why are you so insecure!

Instead, the husband can try to acknowledge reality: “I made a mistake by paying attention to her. I will be careful to make sure she understands that my marriage means everything to me.”

Most divorcees will tell you that their marriages ended because of criticism, harsh judgments, and arguments. While so many brides and grooms believe that their beauty and charm will last forever or that their attractiveness will lead to a lifelong commitment, unfortunately, this rarely happens.

Instead, you can use language to create love, loyalty, respect, and trust that will last a lifetime. Once that foundation is firmly established, passion, cooperation, and joy flourish and are sustained as long as you keep those verbal skills handy.

Susan Allan is a life coach whose Evolution Revolution trainings offer proven tools that help you experience joy and happiness and free yourself from suffering.