How the Rise of Healthy Dating Standards Is “Cheating” Men

Many of my heterosexual friends are single. Almost all of them by choice. And honestly? I don’t blame them. Before I met my current partner a few years ago, I was in their shoes, and I remember how hard it was to find someone who was a really good person and single.

I gave up for a while, too. But while more and more heterosexual women are comfortable and happy with being single, the situation seems to be a bit different when it comes to men.

In a recent article written by psychologist Greg Matos for Psychology today suggests that the number of “lonely, single men” is skyrocketing. It also cites a study that found that men are now “more likely to be single than women, which wasn’t the case 30 years ago.” Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. This has been going on for decades.

What exactly is behind this epidemic of “single, single men”? And are heterosexual relationships doomed to eternal demise?

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It should come as no surprise that in most heterosexual couples, women still shoulder the burden of unpaid work, which – as research shows – sociologist Arlie Hochschild has called the “second shift.”

Women do most of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, childcare, running the household, making sure everyone in the household is happy and healthy, etc. This is true even when both partners work full time and the woman is the main breadwinner.

A study by the Melbourne Institute found that women do an average of 21 more hours of unpaid work than men, with the difference being more pronounced for couples with young children. Oh boy. Unfortunately, the picture is just as bleak when it comes to love life.

Because it turns out that heterosexual women have the least satisfying sex lives of anyone… literally anyone, according to a study of more than 52,000 adults of all sexual identities.

And while heterosexual men report finishing 95 percent of the time, heterosexual women finish only 65 percent of the time—the “orgasm gap.” What’s more, studies show that women are six times more likely to separate or divorce if they’re diagnosed with a serious illness than if their partners were in the same situation.

Research has also confirmed that women are much more likely to experience domestic violence from their partners than vice versa, including sexual violence, physical violence, psychological violence or emotional violence, and violence that results in injury or death. In the UK alone, an average of three women are murdered every fortnight by their partner or ex-partner. So let me explain.

Women in heterosexual relationships do most of the unpaid housework – even if they work full-time – while not deriving as much pleasure from it as their partners, and are at significant risk of abuse, rape or murder, and if they ever become seriously ill, they may not even have anyone to care for them.

Sure. It’s obvious that more women would rather avoid all that and be single. And those who do and remain unmarried and childless are, surprisingly, not the happiest demographic.

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But the real question is, why do women tolerate these gender imbalances for so long?

When it comes to the reality of heterosexual relationships, the biggest difference between the situation a few decades ago and today is women’s participation in the workforce.

Or rather, the lack thereof at the time. Sure, some women in the Western world worked and were restricted to what was considered “women’s work”—teachers, nurses, flight attendants, librarians, or secretaries. But most did not.

And this was not only because the world of work was not very friendly to women and women generally had no choice in life, but also because it was possible to run single-income households.

Unlike now, thanks to the nightmare we call late stage capitalism. And today, sometimes it’s the women who are the main breadwinners. Sometimes it’s the men. But in most cases, both halves of the couple work.

This means that when women are looking for a partner, the fact that a man can provide for them, well, it’s not as important as it used to be. After all, we can now provide for ourselves.

And we don’t have to be in a relationship with a man, unlike in the “good old days” when we couldn’t even open a bank account or have a credit card without a male guarantor. (Incidentally, in the US these laws were changed only in 1974, and in the UK in 1975.)

So when we want to find a partner today, we want more than just someone who will provide us with what we need. Especially seeing as how modern relationships are too often not such a good opportunity for women.

In a recent article by Matos for Psychology todaysays she regularly holds roundtable discussions with women aged 25 to 45 about what they look for in a man. She often hears that they “prefer men who are emotionally available, communicate well and share similar values.”

In other words: men who meet the standards of healthy relationships. But those aren’t exactly fitting descriptions for many single heterosexual men, are they? Not exactly.

That is why Matos further writes in his article that if all single men want to change their relationship situation, they first need to work on their skill deficits.

And most importantly, in the skills required for emotional bonding, which unfortunately many young boys are not consistently taught. Because “boys are easier to raise,” “boys don’t cry,” “boys will be boys,” and other patriarchal garbage that we would all be better off without. Unlike women, men are typically much happier and healthier when they are in a partnership. Some studies have even shown that they live longer if they get married.

It’s no wonder that those who fail to meet the standards of a healthy relationship set by women who are tired of putting up with anything to avoid being single are unhappy.

Young and middle-aged men are the loneliest they’ve been in generations. And it’s likely to get worse.

I know some people like to call me a “man hater,” intentionally misrepresenting my own work (thank you for that, by the way), but even I, an aggressive man hater, am bothered by the fact that so many men are struggling today.

At the same time, many of us probably already know — often firsthand — that single men can be dangerous. Not just to themselves, but to society as a whole.

Because the growing number of “single, lonely men” sounds like a recipe for more self-harming incels, more radicalized misogynists, more anti-feminist backlash, and more heated online debates that often breed real-life violence. So what’s the solution?

Well, if you were to ask this question to more, let’s call it “traditional” people, they would probably answer that we should go back to the “good old days.” And for that to happen, women would have to give up their current standards, their hard-won independence, and, once again, become a man’s mother, maid, therapist, assistant, and cook.

And while it’s no surprise that the past seems so “romantic” to some men, expecting women to do everything for everyone else at the expense of their own happiness simply doesn’t make sense anymore.

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How about instead of blaming women for wanting to be in healthy, loving relationships that don’t require them to stay up all night, work themselves to death, and cater to the whims of an emotionally unavailable partner, we blame single, heterosexual men for taking matters into their own hands?

And finally, recognize that if they don’t want to stay single forever, they may have to change one or two things. But most importantly, commit to themselves first.

To engage with their mental health. To appreciate their inner world. To address the skill gap. And to see romance, intimacy, and emotional connection as worth their time and effort.

Because they very much are. But all of this alone is not enough to fix this complex situation.

Parents also need to stop raising boys in a world that no longer exists. A world where men are expected to be tough, emotionless wallets who get away with problematic behavior simply because they were born male. Because while we’ve done a good job raising girls to be strong and independent, it seems we’ve forgotten about boys.

And that’s a shame. One right women haven’t lost yet is swiping left so many emotionally unavailable men who are stuck in a past that will never return, like us, please.

And to deny us that right and force us to settle for less because there is an epidemic of “single, lonely men” is absurd. And wrong. But it is equally wrong to say that these men should just die alone or commit suicide.

But I hope that by withholding our love from men who don’t deserve it today, they will eventually change their attitudes and try to become better partners in more egalitarian relationships. Or become comfortable with being single. Otherwise, it won’t end well for anyone.

If you think you may be suffering from depression or anxiety as a result of long-term emotional abuse, you are not alone.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you have done wrong. If you feel you may be in danger, you can get help 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you are unable to talk safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.

Katie Jgln is a writer, satirist, sociologist and activist whose work spans gender issues, popular culture and breaking news. She has written for Scary Mommy, the Daily Mail and elsewhere.