Empowerment Through Boundaries: A Self-Care Guide

By Aria Brent
AFRO journalist
[email protected]

Sometimes practicing self-care isn’t about what you do for yourself, but what you don’t allow others to do to you. It’s not always possible to avoid environments and situations that aren’t helpful. However, creating a set of boundaries can help to lessen the impact they have on you.

Whether we’re talking about friends, family, or coworkers, setting boundaries is an important part of self-care and a necessary part of healthy relationships.

“I remember the first boundary I set was with my best friend. I remember telling her what I needed and what a healthy relationship looked like for me,” said Storm Estes, founder of Survivors not Victims, a nonprofit that helps women of color recover from sexual and domestic violence. “Never once did either of us feel like those boundaries were harmful or problematic or needed to be re-examined or changed. All they ever did was help us have the best friendship possible.”

Estes noted that setting boundaries is no stranger to her and is something she practices in all aspects of her life, including work. The women’s advocate explained that even though she loves her job, she sets boundaries because of how difficult her field of work can be.

“The work I do is really hard and tiring, and often takes the last of what you have to offer. In order to honor the boundaries I have set to protect my own needs, I have set (Work) on the shelf as soon as the workday is over,” she explained. “As the founder of this organization, and because it’s so close to my heart, this is personal to me. But I have to constantly set boundaries because I can get too self-sacrificing.”

Often misunderstood and misinterpreted, many people who are on the receiving end of boundaries mistake a self-care tool as an indicator that someone no longer wants a relationship with them. However, Estes explained that it is actually quite the opposite and should be viewed as a tool to help create and maintain healthy relationships

“I think people hear the word ‘boundary’ and they feel like you’re limiting them to a certain space and they can only move in a certain way. But boundaries mean I love you so much and I want this relationship so much that I have to enforce what I need to make it work between the two of us. And I communicate that because I want this to be a healthy relationship on both sides.”

Ashley Bryan, Psy.D., has extensive experience with boundary setting, both from personal experience and from helping her clients. The mental health professional echoed Estes’ sentiments, noting that implementing boundaries often saves relationships—not destroys them.

“I often think boundaries are seen as a way to push people away, but I think boundaries can be an act of love,” Bryan said. “If you care about someone enough to set that boundary, it means you’re willing to put in a tool to work on that relationship. Without boundaries, relationships can fall apart.”

Like Estes, Bryan also works in a field that is incredibly personal, which makes her more willing to shoulder the burden of her clients. The young professional recalled how exhausting her workload was as a student until she was shown and encouraged to set boundaries in her professional life.

“Although being a psychologist is a beautiful profession, it can also take its toll on you because you’re absorbing other people’s stories and experiences. I didn’t learn to set boundaries during my graduate studies,” she said. “I don’t think the graduate school model allows for that. I found myself pushing myself, which led to burnout and not feeling like my best self.”

“It wasn’t until I started my internship in the last year of the program that I set boundaries. They made me take care of myself and didn’t let us work more than 45 hours,” Bryan said. “They were really intentional about teaching us how to support ourselves. I noticed a huge difference in my energy when I was around people I loved, I had more space for others, and I was happier.”

Estes noted that one of the most important parts of setting boundaries is enforcing them for yourself. She explained that you can’t force other people to prioritize or respect your boundaries, but sticking to them regardless of other people is a great way to ensure they are respected.

“I will respect my needs, I will respect my boundaries. I can’t make anyone else in this world respect my boundaries. And I’ve learned to accept that no one else is obligated to respect my boundaries,” she said. “But in return, I’m not obligated to give them my company. I tell people all the time, ‘My love is unconditional, my presence is not,’ and there are people I will love until the day I die, but they’ll never see me in person again. I love that I’ve come to a point in my life where my needs matter so much to me. I know that my needs are valuable.”

Just as setting boundaries can be empowering, enforcing them can be challenging. Bryan offered advice to those on the receiving end of boundary enforcement, encouraging them to look at the situation and be aware that it may not be about you as an individual, but about the dynamics of the relationship.

“I would encourage those people to stop and think, ‘Why is this person setting a boundary for me? Does it have anything to do with me? Does it have anything to do with them?’ And remind yourself that if this person is willing to talk about setting boundaries, they have some level of care about the relationship,” she said.

“Sometimes it’s not always a reflection of you,” Bryan continued. “And if you love that person, taking the time to listen to them and see where they’re coming from can be really helpful. Because even though it might not be your intention to make them feel a certain way, it still has an impact.”