I want to get tested for STDs, but my boyfriend is starting to suspect something

Metro’s auntie agoga, Em Clarkson, is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she offers sage advice on how to deal with a terrible roommate and how to navigate conversations about STIs in new relationships.

Read on to find out this week’s reader dilemmas and Em’s advice.

Every three months since I turned 18, without fail – I’ve had a routine STI test. It’s always been a part of my life and I have a reminder on my calendar to make sure I get it because I take my sexual health seriously. It’s just that now he’s causing problems with my boyfriend of six months, who’s equally suspicious and offended, saying that either I must be cheating on him or I must suspect him of cheating if I want to get tested, even though we’re exclusive. Is there any way to reassure him without risking my own sexual health?

I have a huge amount of respect for how seriously you take your sexual health and I think a lot of people could learn a lot from you when it comes to booking and attending these appointments. In fact, there is evidence to suggest that over half of sexually active people in the UK have never had an STI test, and very few are tested regularly.

And that’s not good – but I think it’s important to know about it so you can understand why your boyfriend might be skeptical about the need for you to get tested so regularly.

Sexual health education in this country is pathetic and as a result there is a lot of ignorance about the need for regular screening. Of course the assumption is that you only need to go if you have unprotected sex with a stranger or if you are showing symptoms of something.

Since you’re still so young in a new relationship – and knowing what I know about misconceptions about STDs – I understand why your boyfriend would come to those conclusions.

But he’ll have to put his ego aside for a while while you talk. I’m sure when he does, he’ll eventually realize that you have a good reason for doing what you do.

Not least of all, many STIs can lie dormant for months or years before symptoms appear. In women, of course, we hear most about the HPV virus, because some types can cause cervical cancer (although in fact, HPV can cause six times as many cancers, including anal and penile cancers).

Here’s how you need to talk to your boyfriend about it. Reassure him that it’s not about him or his fidelity, and it’s definitely not about you. Listen to his concerns and try not to invalidate his feelings or insecurities by reiterating that it’s nothing personal; it has always been and always will be a way to make sure you’re as healthy as possible.

Doctors recommend that even people in monogamous relationships get tested once a year, and that’s something you can talk to him about in a way that’s been proven by research. Maybe once you’re settled in your relationship, you’ll feel comfortable doing it a little less often, and he’ll hopefully feel comfortable doing it a little more often.

My roommate is driving me crazy. I know everyone complains about who they live with, but this is no joke. Whether it’s the rude way he parks his bike in the living room, the constant stealing of my food, or the loud sex at all hours of the day when I’m home, I’m at my wit’s end.

How do I deal with this nightmarish living situation without moving back in with my parents, or worse yet, reporting him to my landlord?

On their own, these seem like dismissible offenses, but when you combine them, they create a VERY bad roommate trio. I completely understand your frustration, and there is a very large and very petty part of me that wants to give you terrible advice that I am sure you should ignore.

While that can be satisfying, you probably shouldn’t replace the yogurt with mayonnaise or text “will you be my girlfriend” with rose petals the next time you know he’s likely to bring a woman back after the first date.

And you’re definitely not allowed to loosen the valves on his bike tires so he can’t get to work on time, or blast Bible passages through the speakers every time you hear the sex starting again.

Instead, you should probably write down a list of the issues you have with him, both personally and as roommates, and ask him politely to change his behavior.

There’s a (less likely) chance that he genuinely has no idea how his actions make you feel, and all that needs to happen for him to show you more respect is for you to open up a better line of communication.

Emphasize how frustrating it is for you when he eats your food and how much it costs him. See if there’s a compromise on the bike (perhaps a wall mount above the front door or a bike rack if you have some space outside?).

The sex thing is awkward and you may need some good headphones to get around it, but either way, get all your grievances in one place and give him a chance to fix it. Maybe he’s just really (really) ignorant because he spent his entire life before living with you with someone who cleaned up after him.

Keep a warning in your back pocket that if he doesn’t meet you halfway, you will have no choice but to tell the landlord how he is breaking the contract (if he is). With any luck, you won’t have to do this, and courtesy and respect will prevail.

But know that you are entitled to your space regardless and to feel comfortable and respected within it. Accept that everyone has their own shit and there is always a compromise in every situation, which, if you share rent, must also be shared equally.

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