Share your sexual desires to increase intimacy

Talking with your partner about expectations for sex and intimacy can improve relationship satisfaction. Research by John Gottman found that couples who communicated their expectations had higher levels of relationship satisfaction. This can lead to less conflict and more intimacy. If you and your partner have different expectations, it can lead to disappointment and even resentment if they aren’t discussed. Couples who talk about things like how they expect to navigate intimacy, childcare, anniversaries, or holidays can learn what their partner wants and needs in order to find a middle ground in reaching an agreement (Merwin and Rosen 2019). One study even found a correlation between communicating about sex and higher frequency of sex, as well as higher relationship satisfaction (Roels and Janssen 2020).

For example, if Jai* is expecting sex after a date, but his date is too tired from a long sleep at a special event, the lack of communication could cause conflict later. When Jai’s date falls asleep while brushing her teeth, she might feel hurt that his date isn’t interested in intimacy. If Jai were to express a desire for contact after the date, it could allow them to discuss tiredness as a factor. They could agree on intimacy beforehand, or even change the date so they can get some sleep. If they didn’t, Jai’s expression of resentment could lead to conflict. Criticism and defensiveness could deepen the conflict, driving them even further apart.

How can you initiate such discussions?

1. Talk about your expectations regarding sex in your relationship.

It’s worth discussing issues such as how often you have sex, how you enjoy sex, what makes you feel comfortable, what the goal of sex is for you, and contraceptives.

2. Discuss special events in advance, especially if you rarely spend time alone.

Talk about your expectations regarding dates, anniversaries, and time away from the kids.

3. Find a therapist who can help you work on your communication.

If you find it difficult to bring up this topic, a trained therapist can help you understand why this is happening and provide tips on how to improve communication.

4. Write down some questions you would like to ask your partner.

Think about what you would like to know about how they perceive closeness to you.

5. Find a game or workbook on this topic.

There are apps and books for couples that can help you talk about intimacy, with tips and tricks to make the conversation enjoyable.

6. Give feedback on intimacy or missed opportunities.

If you notice that your expectations are not aligned, be sure to talk about it.

Some general rules for discussing sex include finding a good time to talk. You want everything to be distraction-free and private. Try to talk when you are both calm and not in conflict. Use positive communication; express your feelings and what you need from your partner. Share appreciation and positive experiences, not just things you wish were different. Make sure you take a collaborative approach, you are a team, and both perspectives are important.