Dear Life Kit: My wife wants to use the last of our savings for a fourth round of IVF

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Expensive Life Set is an NPR advice column in which experts answer tough questions about relationships, social etiquette, work culture and more.

This question was answered by a marriage and family therapist Moray Seeger DeGeare. The conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Photo: Nick Di Giugno /

Moraya Seeger DeGeare is a marriage and family therapist.

My heart truly goes out to you both. I have worked with couples who have gone through this and there is no right or wrong.

We consider several questions: How can I support the person I love? Should we try IVF again? And how can I control my sadness when my partner is crying next to me?

The first thing you need to do is calm your body. There’s a lot of pain here. Join forces as a couple to reduce stress in your life. Exercise together, meditate, go to therapy.

Once you are both calm, talk about your emotions surrounding the decision to try IVF again. One partner may be motivated by practicality or fear of losing money. Others may be driven by the desire to get pregnant. You may find that you have the same concerns, but you express your feelings in a completely different way.

Ask yourself some difficult questions. Is the clock ticking on a potential pregnancy? If we spend money on IVF, how will we get our savings back? What concerns does your partner have about foster care and adoption?

Then talk about what a meaningful life looks like for both of you. We often get attached to what the future will look like. When we do this, we attach ourselves to many factors that are beyond our control, such as having a child. But there are certain aspects of the future that you Down have autonomy over financial stability and healthy relationships. How can you grow and create a beautiful life together? Create a plan around it.

Don’t forget to allow yourself to grieve. It’s easier to have hope for pregnancy when we allow ourselves to accept the idea that it may not happen, but at the same time say that it’s okay to try.

This story was written by Malaka Gharib. It was edited by Beck Harlan and Andee Tagle. The visual editor is Beck Harlan.

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