My partner talks to his ex every day and it’s annoying

Every week AND asks experts to answer readers’ questions about love, sex and relationships

My boyfriend is still close to his ex. They talk to each other almost every day and get along really well. They met at school when they were 16 and were together for eight years, but then they both said they wanted something different from a relationship, so they broke up.

The fact that he is so close to her annoys me. Sometimes I express this out loud and he looks really surprised and says I have nothing to worry about, but I don’t see any deterioration in his communication with her.

Should I be worried?

Thank you for bringing this up because you’re bringing attention to an age-old problem: how do we all feel about our partner’s exes? It’s actually quite a tricky problem at times.

On the one hand, if someone is kind, decent, and gracious towards their ex-partner, it is generally a sign that they may be a good person. When you’re dating someone and they do nothing but complain about their ex, there’s always a red flag. In fact, it is very ungenerous – unless the partner was really extremely bad, e.g. engaged in acts such as physical violence, etc.

Most of us have been part of one of those relationships where things generally go really well and we really love someone for a while and then at some point we stop, or he doesn’t, or neither of us do.

Then we split up and for a while people are hurt and their egos are damaged and no one can decide who “owns” what, but eventually over time we get over it and move on. In an ideal world, we’ve learned some lessons, made amends with our ex-partner, and can all begin another fruitful and fulfilling relationship.

However, there are some partnerships that never really end. And this is where the problems arise. For you, your partner’s constant closeness to his ex-girlfriend affects your relationship with him.

I imagine this makes you feel rather insecure. This is what happens when you are with someone who is still close to their ex. We make the assumption – although it may not be true – that if the wind had blown in a slightly different direction, they would still be together. Part of us – that tiny, insecure part of us that constantly gets in the way of being happy in a relationship – probably thinks that what we would really like to be with our ex was given half a chance.

But what you really need to know – and I suggest you keep this very close to your heart – is that if your boyfriend and his ex wanted to be together, they would be. I really want you to know this. You decide that your boyfriend will be with you, not his ex. That’s why he looks surprised when you bring it up as an issue, because to him it’s not a problem at all.

However, it is also true that his relationship with his ex upsets and unnerves you, and I imagine that is because he and his ex have such a long history that spans such a formative period in their lives. It’s very hard to compete with someone who spent eight years with your partner as they transitioned from teenager to young adult.

The problem we have with exes is that they exist. On the one hand, we like to get stuck in this Disney-style fantasy that the only person our partner has ever loved is actually us. Of course, logically we know it’s probably not possible, but that doesn’t mean it’s not our deep desire and it’s based on many different factors. However, at the heart of this is uncertainty. If he loved and left, or loved and lost, maybe it could happen again. Maybe he will realize that he loves her more or he will leave. It’s the fear of the pain of being hurt, of not being special, of not being as loved as she is, or of being rejected.

I think that’s the territory we’re in right now.

It’s very hard to know that someone touched someone else, made love to someone else, and woke up with someone else, and that person is not us. Maybe you think she’s prettier than you, smarter, better, sexier or whatever, but again, it’s about your insecurities.

So I suggest you be very brave and name your deepest fears, because once you name them, they lose their power. Then ask yourself if this is really true, and if so, what is the worst outcome?

Then we go back to the real world and this is what you do. You recognize her. It’s in fantasy land for you right now and you need to make it a reality. You tell your boyfriend, “I understand that you are close to her and that she means a lot to you, but I would really like to get to know her and I suggest we all go out together.”

This way you will gain practical knowledge about her and maybe she will become your friend. Who knows? But I know it puts reality at the center of your relationship. Then you set clear boundaries with your boyfriend that mark your relationships (current) with theirs (past).

I think that would make the situation much clearer.