When your man is messing with your head

Hi Chris,

I think I’m going crazy. My boyfriend has told me so many times that I’m too sensitive and overly emotional that I’m starting to believe it. How can I improve?

Nuts

Chris says:

Hello Nutki!

You’re not crazy, you’re probably gaslighted. This is a form of emotional abuse. Your boyfriend manipulates your sense of reality until you start to doubt your sanity. Gaslighters are often charming exploiters and convincing liars who will never admit when they are wrong.

Gaslighting is surprisingly common in romantic relationships, and is named after a 1940s Ingrid Bergman film in which her husband tries to drive her crazy.

For example, you tell a joke. Everyone laughs, but he says it wasn’t funny. A few remarks to the waiter and you are accused of flirting, even though you know you weren’t. He keeps saying, “I never said that,” even though you’re sure he did. You ask a reasonable question and you hear that you are whining. You see him with someone and he says, “You must be paranoid if you think I’m going to cheat on you.”

Eventually you start to feel a little crazy. You know something is wrong, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. You find it difficult to make simple decisions. You feel like you can’t do anything right.

Gaslighting usually builds up very slowly, so the lies are reasonable at first: “I’m sorry I’m late, I lost track of time. But the deception grows: “I told you I was leaving, you must have forgotten. And so you start asking yourself the question.

Gas lighting is often more annoying than what the lighthouse keeper tries to hide. Even infidelity. Betrayed spouses almost always say that it’s not the affair that hurts the most. It’s endless lies and emotional abuse.

Fortunately, once you learn everything there is to know about gas lighting, this won’t happen again. So talk to a counselor who will help you overcome your feelings of madness. And if you ever feel like your boyfriend is trying to convince you that there’s something wrong with you, you’ll quickly start taking a closer look at your relationship. Because when something starts to seem wrong, it usually is.

All the best,

Chris