“I love you, but I hate you.” What to do when you can’t stand your long-term partner

It’s often said that there’s a fine line between love and hate, but is it okay to sometimes hate your long-term partner? If you ask actress Jamie Lee Curtis, it’s practically necessary.

When asked about the secret of her 40-year marriage to actor Christopher Guest, she recently replied that the key to success is patience, perseverance and “a really big dose of hate.”

“Suddenly you literally want to hate each other. And the next day it’s a nice, sunny day and the dog does something cute or your kid does something cute and you look at each other and go, ‘Oh my gosh,'” Curtis told Entertainment Tonight after accepting an Emmy for his role in “The Bear.” “And you’re on a different path.”

Relationship experts say it’s normal for couples to experience moments that feel like real hate. The difference between couples who survive and those who don’t is how they deal with their emotions in these moments.

“Hating the person you love is the most common thing in the world,” said Jane Greer, marriage and family therapist and author of Am I Lying to Myself? How to overcome denial and see the truth.” “We think we should love our partner all the time, unconditionally, but it doesn’t work that way.”

Yes, you should “get rid of the little things”

Stereotypical annoyances like leaving the toilet seat open or shoes littering the floor add up if left unaddressed, says Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University and author of “Five Simple Steps to Taking Your Marriage from Good to Great.”

To prevent pet anger from turning into a bigger problem, it’s important to “worry about the little things,” said Orbuch, whose research has followed hundreds of couples over 36 years.

“What starts as a small, annoying habit becomes: ‘You’re not listening to me. You don’t love me. Maybe we’re not compatible and I hate you,” she said.

But criticizing the problem in the moment isn’t the best approach, Orbuch said. Find a good time and situation to talk about it: away from the kids, not right after work, right before you leave for the day, or when you’re tired in bed.

Be specific

Orbuch recommended starting the discussion with the positives and then using what she called an XYZ statement. For example, give examples that show that you know this is an overall great partner, such as being a great friend or being good to your mother. Then do the following: When I do X (throw clothes on the floor) in Y situation (instead of the trash can), I feel Z (frustrated).

Then ask, “Can we talk about this?”

Highlighting a particular behavior will help your spouse or partner deal with the problem better than if you blame them for a character flaw, such as, “You’re a terrible slob.”

“We lock the person up where they don’t know what to say or what to change to alleviate the frustration,” Orbuch said.

When you can, highlight loving moments

Greer said a great way to quickly dissipate hateful moments is to build a reservoir of positive emotions. Pay attention not only to the aspects of your partner that you adore, but also to why they make you feel good.

For example, if your partner gives you flowers, instead of just thanking him, tell him how you felt when you received them. Saying you appreciate the flowers because it showed they listened to something you needed helps reinforce those positive emotions, she added.

“When you feel love, it’s important to name it,” Greer said. “It’s important to say, ‘You know what, I’m having a moment where I can love you.'”