Signs you have oldest daughter syndrome

• “Oldest Daughter Syndrome” is not an official diagnosis, but it can describe how first daughters feel.
• The therapist stated that common traits were perfectionism, people-pleasing, and excessive responsibility.
• As the oldest of six siblings, she stated that she suffered from oldest daughter syndrome.

A number of new studies show that oldest daughters often experience more pressure than other children, including oldest boys.

Now many first daughters are exploring how being the biggest sister affects everything from their academic success to who they date. The term “oldest daughter syndrome” describes the common sense of pressure and perfectionism that oldest daughters deal with as adults.

Annie Wright, a therapist who practices in California, told Business Insider that while it’s not an official diagnosis, “eldest daughter syndrome” can be a useful term, and she talks to some of her clients about it.

It’s also something she personally identifies with: she was the oldest of four siblings, before two younger half-sisters joined the family when Wright was an adult.

“I 100% identify with almost everything,” she said of the traits associated with her eldest daughter’s syndrome. Overachieving, self-reliance and difficulty setting boundaries are all things she “absorbed very, very early.”

Although she attributes much of her career success to her oldest daughter’s traits, she has stated that “there’s really quite a lot of pros and cons when it comes to the set of personality traits that I’ve developed.”

She talked about the most common problems her eldest daughters struggle with.

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Being too responsible in relationships

Wright said the most common personality trait in eldest daughters is “high responsibility and caring.”

In caring for younger siblings, you can often count on the help of your eldest daughters, although the degree of this help varies. For example, daughters raised by their parents may go beyond the occasional diaper change and be responsible for managing care, organizing household chores and even mediating family conflicts, Wright said.

“This caregiving role really shapes their sense of identity and, frankly, contributes to them feeling overly responsible, both within the family and later in adult relationships,” she added.

A lot of pressure that you put on yourself

In addition to being protective, oldest daughters may feel “an implicit or explicit expectation to set an example for their siblings,” Wright said, leading to the development of perfectionism later in life.

This can translate into feelings of pressure to “achieve academically, professionally and personally,” she said, especially if their parents are also overly critical.

At first glance, this may seem like a great thing: Oldest Daughter Syndrome is often associated with a “Type A” personality and fantastic organizational skills. Wright claims that her overachieving helped her become the first person in her family to go to college.

But she said striving for success often comes at a cost to oldest daughters and “can contribute to their stress, anxiety and fear of failure.”

I’m trying to ask for help

Because oldest daughters are often praised for their independence, they can develop “a really strong predisposition to be independent,” Wright said. If it is their caring abilities that make them a favorite child, they will not be willing to give up this title by admitting that they need help.

Drawing from her own childhood, Wright remembers feeling like a “good big sister” and “such a helper” when she bought diapers for her newborn siblings. She said this can lead eldest daughters to internalize the belief that they should fend for themselves.

This can lead to resentment and a reluctance to be vulnerable. “People who don’t look like they need help are often the ones who really need it,” Wright said.

Pleasant to people

While oldest daughters have difficulty expressing their needs, they may also take on more responsibilities from people who have no problem reaching out for help. These are often people who like people and have trouble setting boundaries.

In her practice, she often advises her oldest daughters to start by setting boundaries. “I would encourage people to ask themselves where they can step away from caring and allow others to take responsibility for themselves,” she said. “You might say, ‘I need some time alone and I won’t be able to help.'”

Prone to burnout

Wright says oldest daughters are especially susceptible to burnout. Many of her oldest daughter’s clients realize that the same overachieving and lack of boundaries that made them successful in their careers can spell trouble later.

From her own experience, Wright’s initial career success turned into challenges related to workaholism. “What may be adaptive at the beginning of life may turn out to be maladaptive later on,” she said.

Wright said being diagnosed with cancer in 2022 “really made me re-evaluate working 80-hour weeks.” She also felt like she missed out on time spent with her daughter.

Wright began “rigorous therapy” for her appearances. “It wasn’t an easy, beautiful job, but unfortunately the crisis brought me to the point where I had to start looking at it.”