Beware of a Narcissistic Friend: How to Recognize Manipulation

By Jason Jimenezco-author of op-ed Thursday, October 3, 2024

Unsplash/Chester Wade

“Did you notice how I outperformed everyone at work last week?” Alex boasted, radiating an aura of cockiness. “If they don’t recognize my value to the company, maybe I’ll just move on and find a job that gives me more recognition.”

Jake squirmed in his chair. Although he had shared his own stories in the past, he felt constantly overshadowed by Alex’s constant need for approval. “Uh, yeah… great,” Jake replied carefully, realizing that expressing his own thoughts would only fuel Alex’s busy monologues.

As Alex continued to emphasize his own achievements and not acknowledge Jake’s contributions, there was a sense of tension in the air, suggesting potential manipulation under the guise of friendship.

It often happens that you find yourself in a situation where a “friend” monopolizes the conversation and absorbs all your attention, making you feel unappreciated or unimportant.

If you feel that your relationships are one-sided and exhausting, it may be beneficial to take a step back and consider their personal and relational impact on you.

In this article, I will help you identify a narcissist and their behaviors, understand how they impact your interactions, and most importantly, share biblical ways to confront and set boundaries with the narcissists in your life, all while maintaining love and grace.

Definition of a narcissist

A narcissist is someone who has an excessive sense of self-esteem and pride, constantly seeks admiration, and lacks empathy for others.

The narcissist only sees things from their own perspective, believing they are more important than anyone else’s, and constantly expects special treatment.

The term “narcissism” comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection, aptly symbolizing the self-centered nature of narcissus.

Narcissistic people often seem charming and affectionate, but they use these traits to control and dominate others. They make their targets believe that the relationship has potential and that they can make the narcissist happy by meeting certain expectations. However, it is important to realize that a narcissist’s kindness is usually only temporary and is used to manipulate their targets to get what they want from them.

A key tactic a narcissist will use

Kris Reece, a career counselor, describes seven tactics narcissists use to manipulate and control you.

1. Invalidation: Narcissists are very good at making you doubt yourself by ignoring your thoughts and feelings. They want you to feel unimportant, to rely on them and feel valuable. This way, they can control you and make your self-esteem dependent on their opinions.

2. Emotional blackmail: Also known as “FOG” (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) is a harmful tactic often used by narcissists. It involves making someone feel afraid of losing approval, having to comply with demands, or feeling guilty for their own emotions and actions. This manipulation keeps the person trapped, constantly trying to please the manipulator.

3. Bricklaying and silent rage: Narcissists can hurt their victims by not talking to them, not showing affection, or ignoring them. They may ignore the victim for a short time or for many months, depending on how much control they want. This makes the victim feel anxious and eager to restore peace, even if it is not good for their own feelings.

4. Love bombing: At the beginning of a relationship, a narcissist may shower you with attention, affection, and grand gestures that make you feel special. However, this phase does not last long. Once a narcissist gains your emotional dependence, he or she quickly begins to criticize, manipulate, and devalue you.

5. Triangulation: Narcissists are very good at making people turn on themselves. They do this by introducing a third person into the relationship, real or not, to make others feel jealous, insecure and competitive. This leaves the victim always seeking the narcissist’s approval while the narcissist enjoys the drama and chaos.

6. Gas lighting: A type of manipulation that makes the victim question their reality. Narcissists deny, distort, or twist facts to make you doubt your memories and perceptions. Over time, this can undermine your self-confidence and leave you relying on the narcissist to determine your reality.

7. The pity game: Narcissistic people sometimes pretend to be victims to gain sympathy and avoid facing their mistakes. They may make their problems seem more serious than they really are, or even completely make them up to make you feel like you have to help them. This can make it difficult to set limits or say no to them.

Protect yourself from a narcissist

Now that you understand what a narcissist is and the tactics they use to control relationships, let’s talk about how you can protect yourself from narcissistic abuse and take care of your well-being.

1. Pray for them: When facing a manipulative person, ask God to help you see their manipulation tactics and give you the strength to persevere. “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

2. Be less trusting and empathetic: Narcissists take advantage of your ability to understand and forgive, knowing that you will continue to justify their bad actions. They may even use your empathy against you by mentioning their troubled past or difficulties, making you feel guilty for expecting them to take responsibility for their actions.

3. Don’t take everything personally. Remember, when dealing with a narcissist, don’t let their manipulative tactics get to you. They may try to blame you, joke or criticize you, but don’t give up. They want to see that they are reaching out to you, so be strong and don’t show them that they have influence over you.

4. Set reasonable boundaries without compromise: Setting boundaries helps protect your emotional, spiritual and physical well-being. Communicate your limits clearly and stick to them. According to Matthew 18:15-17, if someone does not change his behavior after being disciplined, it is advisable to maintain distance.

5. Stay grounded in your faith and support system: In difficult situations, reading the Bible can give you strength, wisdom and comfort. You can also seek help from trusted friends, family, or people in your church.

Dealing with people with narcissistic tendencies can be quite difficult. It is extremely important to remain steadfast in your faith, rely on your own judgment, firmly set and enforce boundaries, and seek guidance from trustworthy friends. By consistently implementing these biblical principles in your life, you will experience more peace and less stress, which will promote personal growth and more meaningful relationships.

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