According to research: 3 evolutionary reasons why serial monogamy is the new monogamy

We all know at least one person who always has their significant other, even right after a breakup. Recently, I’ve noticed that serial monogamy – jumping from one exclusive relationship to another – has become a more popular and accepted dating trend among my friends and acquaintances. Why?

According to Psychology todaySerial monogamists typically believe in some kind of ideal love and the importance of commitment to one partner, but they maintain a safe distance from the idea that true love should only happen once in a lifetime. Why stick to one Prince Charming when we can find a new one as soon as the charm quotient of the original runs out?

I began studying and interviewing serial monogamists I knew to find answers. Together with psychological research, they offered several different reasons why the serial monogamy trend appears to be gaining momentum.

Monogamy is not an instinct, but traditional monogamy is not the most common arrangement. Empirical evidence shows that lifelong romantic partnerships existed in only a few civilizations and accounted for about 20 percent of human relationships. (The percentage decreases when all mammals are included, bringing us to about 3 percent).

IN The myth of monogamy: fidelity and infidelity in animals and humansDavid Barash and Judith Lipton explain that expecting to stay with one partner for life goes against some of the most profound evolutionary tendencies biology has given us.

However, there is still hope for monogamists. In the book, Barash and Lipton also point out that we humans are incredibly flexible when it comes to our lifestyles in relationships, which makes us quite unusual compared to our other mammalian friends. In other words, our desire to live this way may allow us to overcome biology.

However, this does not mean that it is an easy undertaking. While we are not naturally monogamous, there is something in us that seeks the companionship and stability that one-on-one commitments offer. Enter serial monogamy.

According to research, here are 3 evolutionary reasons why serial monogamy is the new monogamy:

1. It’s a compromise

If Barash and Lipton are right, is serial monogamy a compromise between our expectations for a happy life and our evolutionary tendencies? One 2009 study theorized that serial monogamy is more beneficial for men than for women.

As another book on the subject states, serial monogamy is characterized by living in a somewhat fantasy environment: The myth of monogamyby Peggy Vaughan. People act as if the relationship is forever and hope it will be, even though it is almost always short-lived. It’s safer to be in a relationship, even if it won’t last until you die.

“I was raised to admire couples who stay together for a long time,” says Erin Hastings, a psychology major. “I now realize that it is because such couples fulfill a cultural ideal. However, I still feel the need to follow this ideal in all my attempts at long-term relationships. We were taught that this was expected of us.”

In some ways, serial monogamy is the silver bullet. We are not subversive enough to completely reject the idea of monogamous relationships (gasp!), but we also do not enter into a lifelong commitment that is difficult to maintain.

Polina Tankilevitch / Pexels

2. It’s easier

Yes, these reasons make terrifying sense. But not every serial monogamist I know has thought about cultural expectations and evolutionary trends. It may not always be the result of these factors, but sometimes it is due to the fear of being alone.

We all have that codependent friend (or “friend”) who just can’t stand being single. She dumps Jim to date Pedro, and a few months later ends the relationship with him because she realizes he wants to date Gabby. After Gabby breaks her heart, she starts working with Jim again and the circle continues with new characters and the same dialogue.

Sometimes jumping straight into a new relationship is just an easy way to distract ourselves from loneliness or question our desires and ourselves. The Urban Dictionary defines serial monogamy as spending as little time as possible alone and moving on to a new relationship as quickly as possible after the death of the old one. Shortening a single dot avoids asking existential questions. Many relationship addicts to whom I have read this definition have stated that there is truth in it.

“It sounds terrible, but I think it’s because I value myself for how much other people love me and how much I’m attracted to them,” says Nicole Davis. “If I’m not in a relationship, there must be something wrong with me that makes people not interested in me.”

That said, we don’t have to feel insecure to become dependent on a relationship. We all know how scary it can be to be alone after the breakup of a long-term relationship. (Hey, no one wants to be a smelly cat who hoards miniature cutlery and talks to herself while spying on her neighbors through the window.)

“Being single can be difficult,” Davis says. “Sometimes it seems easier to jump into another relationship than to spend some time wondering what I did wrong.” According to a study published in The Handbook of Child And Adolescent Sexuality, this is easier for serial monogamists because it allows individuals to experience different partners without the long-term commitment and potential complications of a single, lifelong relationship.

Gustavo Fring / Pexels

3. It helps us find out who we are

We all change through different relationships. Some partners emphasize our romantic side; others, a series of adventures. Other, some not so nice features. Serial lovers can express and explore different elements of their personality in each relationship.

“Even though I left my boyfriends behind, I learned something important about myself in each relationship,” says self-proclaimed serial monogamist Jessica Chan. “It motivates me to go out and try again.”

I started researching serial monogamy in hopes of unlocking the secrets of those who practice it (can I quickly go from breakup to honeymoon next time?), but now I realize it’s more about finding a style that works for everyone natural. of us. Genetics, compromise, whatever – knowing yourself is the real thing to strive for. One study with Review of Economic Studies they even found that as women become wealthier and better educated, more and more serial monogamy takes place.

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being in multiple long-term relationships,” Chan says. “We are not all insecure and delusional. It just works for us.”

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