How to creatively resolve conflicts between siblings

Whether we realize it or not, sibling relationships are often the longest relationships we have in our lives. However, sibling conflict is extremely common and may even be harmful to children as they grow up, possibly contributing to antisocial behavior, difficulties with peers, sleep problems, and emotional and behavioral dysfunction (Bank L. et al., 2004, Dirks MA, et al., 2015, Breitenstein RS et al., 2018).

While an authoritative parenting style and an overall healthy family system can help mitigate some of these effects, parents must realize that sibling conflict offers children a valuable opportunity to practice social and emotional skills that will benefit them both now and in the future (Liu C., Rahman MNA, 2022). Author Raymond Antrobus explores sibling conflict in his latest picture book, Terrible horsesa touching story in which a little boy discovers that drawing helps him creatively work through his great feelings towards his sister.

During our discussion, Raymond shared more about his book and his own experiences dealing with sibling conflict.

What inspired you to write a children’s book about sibling conflict? Do you have any siblings personally? If so, how have your relationships with your siblings changed over time?

I was thinking more broadly about conflict resolution and how it could be modeled for young readers. I am the younger brother of an older sister and I consider it an identity. My sister and I had to overcome a lot of conflicts between us as children to become closer as adults, because we argued all the time, just like the characters in the book. Like I said, we’re close, but this relationship took some intentional work.

Where do you see yourself in this story?

After the live readings Terrible horses people asked me if I saw myself as a horse or a pony in this story. I often ask this question and hear people say, “I was both bullied and the perpetrator.” That’s all of us, to be honest, right?

Jealousy plays a role in the sibling conflict that takes place in the book. What do you think is the connection between jealousy and anger? Young children are quick to express jealousy, but adults also struggle with this insidious emotion, often silently. How do the characters in your book overcome jealousy? Have you found a way to deal with jealousy in your life?

Jealousy, personified by Shakespeare as the “green-eyed monster,” is a complex emotion because it is difficult to express healthily. At this point, anger arises as a result of jealousy. I try to talk honestly with friends and family about when I feel jealous. For example, when my friend won a writing scholarship I really wanted (I applied too, but was rejected), I told her, “I’m so jealous of you, bravo!” I chose to admit it rather than hide it and allow silent resentment to grow. It is a feeling that confirms what one wants, and hopefully, if we are emotionally mature, we will allow it to guide us towards our desires, rather than allowing it to lead us astray into thoughts of comparison and lack, thus feeding us your green eyes. monster! In the book, jealousy between siblings is tempered by the understanding that they both strive to be seen and understood. Recognizing this about each other can stop this green-eyed monster!

The little boy in your book finds a creative outlet for his anger. Through drawing and telling stories, he can express his feelings about his relationship with his sister and work through the conflict. Artistic expression is an extremely valuable tool for regulating emotions in children and adults. How has creativity helped you manage emotions, process experiences, or grow personally?

This is my forte. I studied creative writing and teaching, with a focus on emotional literacy, at Goldsmiths University. Over the years I have conducted case studies, working with young people from socially deprived areas, including my hometown in East London. I have seen first-hand how poetry can be an artistic and therapeutic tool for self-reflection and emotional healing, as well as community building, and how it can powerfully impact predicted academic achievement. For me, I always kept a journal and wrote about my emotional life and then used it as inspiration to create poetry when I was six and seven years old, even though my reading and writing skills were much poorer due to my undiagnosed deafness. I believe that this extremely private practice of journaling and writing poetry is a major factor in my ultimate literary success.

What do you hope young readers will take away from spending time with your book? What about their parents or guardians?

I hope that each reader will find their own connection and resonance with this story, and that it will encourage a more generous view of our personal and interpersonal conflicts. My son is almost 3 years old and as he reads this (he is an only child), he seems to love looking at the horses and their intensity of colors. Even this is enough for me. Illustrator Ken Wilson-Max did a great job. I envy his visual talent and am grateful that I had the opportunity to work with him.