LIVE BY DESIGN | What questions do people ask when thinking about living by design: the path to fulfillment and legacy?

Live by Design is a weekly column in News24 by Dr Helena Dolny and Mapi Mhlangu, covering the topic of mortality and discussions around it.

For the past few months, Helena Dolny and I have been embarking on a journey of exploration and reflection, delving into what it truly means to live by design. Together, we have created works that explore the importance of living consciously in every aspect of our lives—from the daily choices that shape our moments with loved ones to the critical medical decisions we face as we approach the end of life.

Through our own experiences, insightful observations, and valuable lessons shared by others who have experienced love, loss, grief, and the profound reality of mortality, we seek to inspire a deeper understanding of how to live fully and authentically.

On the last Saturday afternoon of every month, we host a Death Café—a safe space where people come together for an hour and a half to talk about life and death. Our members take turns leading the session. Last week, we were invited to ask a series of questions. The first was: Are you living by design or by choice?

Our discussions were deep and difficult.

The dialogue turned into an exploration of our values, priorities, and the choices we make—or often fail to make—when it comes to shaping our lives. Our guide this past Saturday was Coach Sharon Jansen, who prepared a series of profound, thought-provoking questions. Each question held up a mirror to our current life choices while challenging us to rethink our paths.

The concept of life by design

At its core, living by design is about consciously shaping your life according to your personal values, priorities, and goals, rather than simply responding to circumstances or societal expectations—essentially creating your life with intention rather than following a path set by others. When we asked ourselves what it means to live by design, it became clear that self-awareness plays a key role in this journey.

Determining whether you are acting by design or by default requires reflection. Ask yourself: Are you making decisions that are aligned with your values and passions, or are you following the flow because it’s easier?

By recognizing situations where we live reactively—for example, pursuing career paths that others consider “successful” or following social norms—we can begin to shift our mindset toward purposeful action.

Social norms and expectations

Navigating social norms is another major challenge in the pursuit of a life of design. We looked at how external pressures often dictate our decisions—from career choices to relationship dynamics. Society tends to impose standard benchmarks for success: marriage, home ownership, and professional achievement. But these milestones may not resonate personally for everyone.

To truly live by design, we must learn to question these expectations. How do they align with our values? Which ones reinforce our desired path and which ones suppress our individuality? Sharon encouraged us to think critically about how we can dismantle these pressures. This might include seeking out supportive communities that celebrate authenticity and setting boundaries with those who unwittingly enforce expectations.

Happiness and fulfillment

One of the most striking takeaways from our discussion was the profound impact that living by design has on our happiness and fulfillment. When we align our daily actions with our true selves, there is an undeniable sense of joy that comes from creating a life that reflects who we are.

On the other hand, life by design often leads to feelings of dissatisfaction. We may find ourselves trapped in jobs that drain our energy, in relationships that no longer serve us, or neglecting our passions out of fear or uncertainty. Life by design is liberating; it encourages us to pursue our interests and passions without compromise, which improves our overall well-being.

The need for sacrifice

But this journey is not without sacrifice. Sharon asked the essential question: What are you willing to sacrifice to live a life of design? Those sacrifices can include giving up perceived security—a stable job or familiar routine—or leaving toxic relationships that lead us off our path.

READ MORE | LIVE BY DESIGN: The Evolving Role of Grandparents: From Storytellers to Tech-Savvy Mentors

The willingness to sacrifice is paramount. It means a commitment to the life we want to build. The depth of that commitment often dictates the strength of the choices we make. However, it is crucial to approach sacrifice consciously, ensuring that the choices we make enrich our lives and do not diminish our well-being.

Balancing design with the chaos of life

Life is unpredictable and chaotic, though. One participant raised the issue of balancing the desire for a life of design with the inevitability of setbacks and disruptions. The key lies in adaptability. Accepting the fluid nature of existence allows us to adjust our plans to current realities.

Failure plays an integral role in living by design. It teaches resilience and provides opportunities for growth. Instead of seeing setbacks as deterrents, we should see them as essential parts of our journey, refining our approach and informing our next steps.

Avoiding over-planning

But as we strive to live a life built on design, we must be wary of over-planning or rigidity. There is a fine line between being purposeful and being immobilized by the need for perfection. Flexibility is essential; it allows us to change direction as new opportunities arise or as life takes unexpected turns.

In thinking about how to maintain this flexibility, we discussed the importance of setting loose plans rather than strict schedules, which allows for spontaneity and creativity. By accepting change as part of the journey rather than an obstacle, we can maintain a sense of adventure in our designed lives.

Personal Values and Reassessment

Personal values and priorities are the cornerstone of a life lived by design. They guide our choices and shape our identity. But how often do we reassess these values? This reflection is necessary as we evolve through different phases of life. What once brought us joy and fulfillment may no longer be meaningful to us as we grow older.

So how would you answer these questions? What does it mean to you to live by design rather than by default? What do you identify as the approach you are currently taking?

Cover of the book Before Forever After by Dr. Helena Dolny. (Preparatory post)

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