People in their 50s share the moment they found out their marriage was over

The number of “gray” divorces — that is, divorces between people over the age of 50 — has been increasing for several decades.

In 1990, fewer than one in 10 Americans who divorced were over age 50, according to a 2022 statistical analysis published in the Journal of Gerontology. In 2010, that number was one in four. In 2019, it was one in three.

The study’s authors believe this likely has to do with the growing acceptance of divorce in society and women’s greater financial and emotional independence.

“All of these factors are laying the groundwork and making this more acceptable than it was a generation ago,” co-author Susan Brown told AARP.

We asked HuffPost readers who got divorced after age 50 to share the moment they realized their marriage was over. Read their first-hand accounts below:

Responses have been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.

1. “Divorced at 61 after 29 years. He missed my 50th birthday to go home and get drunk, but he denied it. I finally couldn’t pretend everything was okay after years of his unpredictable behavior, getting mad at the slightest remark, lying about finances, changing jobs until he retired without telling me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Right? I wanted to be happy and I wouldn’t be if I stayed married.” —Mary B.

2. “When I asked him if he was having another affair, he said, ‘It’s none of your business.’” — Janelle R.

3. “I was 50, on my second marriage, diagnosed with breast cancer, and my husband said he couldn’t handle it.” — Sharon P.

4. “Differences in the future. I had a solid job that she wanted me to stay at for a few more years. I had a side hustle that paid (and did). The youngest was 18, so there was no need to pay child support. We are still good friends, but we had to go our separate ways. I estimate that divorce cost me $500,000. But it was worth it.” — Craig G

5. “My ex and I didn’t speak after a particularly bad fight. Then 9/11 happened. It was such a traumatic event, and yet we both still refused to talk to each other to offer any comfort. I knew our marriage was over when we couldn’t put our anger aside at a time when we should have been there for each other during such a tragic time.” — Pam M.

6. “Divorced after 28 years of marriage and two children. There were a lot of red flags, I was told I was ‘troubling him’ when I needed a day off because I had a minor surgery. Or when I came home from a business trip and he wasn’t there. I realized he had been on a motorcycle trip with a coworker who is now his wife. He didn’t think he had done anything wrong because they hadn’t slept together. And what’s worse, we worked for the same company.” — Louise S.

7. “I knew my marriage was over when I endured the extreme cruelty he showed me during the divorce, even though I prayed for reconciliation until the very end.” — Jenny K.

8. “We were married for 30 years. I always knew marriage wasn’t good, but I learned that the opposite of good isn’t necessarily bad. So I had to get the confidence to initiate the divorce. Our kids were in college, and I just didn’t want to feel so lonely all the time. I told him I’d rather be lonely by myself than with someone, but feel lonely.” —Lee K.

9. “When he treated my minor LGBTQ child with disgust and had no interest in educating him. I was not going to risk my child’s mental health.” — Esther C.

10. “He didn’t want to go to therapy, so I went alone. I chose someone who did marriage counseling, hoping my husband would eventually join me. There was an extra chair in the therapist’s office. I found myself yelling at the chair throughout the session. At the end, I told the therapist, ‘I don’t want marriage counseling. I want a divorce. I hate it.’” — June A

11. “When he came back from a business trip with an STD. — Sue W.

12. “I got an email. Yes, an email. She couldn’t talk to me, couldn’t face me, so she made an excuse and sent me an email. And it was me, not you, she said. What a joke. And then, shortly after the divorce was finalized, she remarried an old guy with a lot of money. A guy she used to work for and date when she was married. I didn’t fully realize it at the time, but she did me a huge favor.” — Mike H

13. “I knew it was on our honeymoon in Aruba, which I paid for, when he said I couldn’t have the free massage that was included in the honeymoon package. His reasoning was that it would be weird for him to think about a guy touching me, but it would also be weird for him to think about a woman touching me, so we’ll skip that. I never got a copy of the red flags list to look out for, so it dragged on for another 22 years until I finally got out of the marriage.” —Julie K.

14. “When he voted for Trump in 2016” — Carla J.

15. “I survived 17 years of marriage with a man-child. Caring for our disabled second child increased when he went to high school, and he refused to help, instead feeling I didn’t give him enough attention, so he left. Now I’m poorer but happier.” —Kate E.

16. “My marriage was lonely for a few years, but right when I turned 50, I found out that my partner of 34 years had been cheating on me, and two months later he pushed me and I broke my wrist. That’s when I knew there was nothing left to fix, we were broken, and so was my wrist. That was it.” —Felicity A.

17. “I had been in denial with an alcoholic, narcissistic husband for 24 years. When our 19-year-old daughter started college and gained some perspective, she bravely organized an intervention during a miserable Christmas. When her father refused therapy, she turned to me and said, “I need one healthy parent,” and she guided me into therapy, walking with me and supporting me. Within six months I was in my own apartment, and within a year I was starting a new job in another state. She will always be my hero.” — Known as Emmy E.

18. “There came a moment when I realized that this ‘moment’ would never be given to me or magically appear. It was a moment when I realized that I had to decide whether I was going to follow my intuition and take the initiative to do what I knew I had to do. And a week after making that decision and meeting with a lawyer, I found out he was having an affair.

I have always been proud that I made that decision without knowing about his infidelity beforehand, because I knew that it made me strong enough to believe in myself and decide my own fate without needing anyone’s approval. — Lisa C.

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