Mothers who “interfere” make bad behavior worse

Criminal behavior almost always occurs outside the home and away from adult supervision, so it is natural for parents to blame peers for their child’s misbehavior. Not surprisingly, many parents also assume that they can prevent future problems by limiting contact with suspicious peers.

But a new study warns parents — especially nosy moms — against the temptation to forbid friendships, because doing so only makes a bad situation worse. How is that possible?

Results from a new longitudinal study of high school youth, published in Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, indicates that mothers’ disapproval of friends in response to their child’s behavior problems harms the child’s standing among peers, which exacerbates the behavior problems that the friend ban was originally intended to prevent.

Brett Laursen, Ph.D., coauthor and professor of psychology at Florida Atlantic University, in collaboration with colleagues at Mykolas Romeris University in Vilnius, Lithuania, followed a community sample of 292 boys and 270 girls (ages 9 to 14) over the course of a school year. Students completed surveys at the beginning, middle, and end of the year. At each time point, peer status (being liked or disliked) and classroom disruption were measured using peer nominations. Self-reports described behavior problems and perceived maternal disapproval of friends.

The study results reveal that mothers’ attempts to intervene in problematic peer relationships by forbidding friendships backfired. Mothers who disapproved of their children’s friends inadvertently worsened their children’s behavior problems. In particular, mothers who responded to behavior problems (reported by children and peers) by expressing disapproval of friends inadvertently damaged their child’s peer relationships, alienating classmates. Adjustment difficulties ensued.

The study compared different forms of classmate reactions to the interference of the child’s maternal friendship. The results suggested that maternal friends’ disapproval was more likely to provoke active resentment on the part of classmates than to simply reduce the number of classmates who enjoyed the child’s company.

“The results are important because they address the mechanism that translates friend disapproval into increased behavioral problems. Mothers’ friends’ disapproval has counterproductive consequences for behavioral problems because of the detrimental effects it has on peer status,” said Laursen, of FAU’s Charles E. Schmidt College of Science.

“Young people may report the restrictions and their reasons to friends. Mothers may also express their disapproval directly to friends. Neither is likely to be welcomed by the recipients. Friends may respond by spreading scorn or ridicule throughout the peer group. Social opportunities are likely to be diminished because peers will avoid associating with someone who is portrayed as uncool.”

The researchers also suggest that there is another possibility: mothers actually succeed in destroying friendships.

“Imagine this. A friendship ends because the mother forbids it. Now the child needs a new friend. Who would want to be friends with someone who has an unpleasant, interfering mother? Chances are, the options for friends are now pretty limited, and the child is forced to consider someone who is also being rejected by their peers; someone who has a hard time making friends,” Laursen said.

“Too often, these kids are disliked because they have behavioral problems. At the end of the day, the interference in peer relationships can force a child to befriend a maladjusted classmate because there are no other alternatives.”

Befriending children with behavioral problems puts them under pressure to conform to the disruptive behavior that their mothers are trying to discourage. In addition, losing peer status increases the risk of behavioral problems because it increases anxiety and undermines coping mechanisms. Finally, rejected children may be excluded from social interactions with typically developing peers, depriving them of opportunities to develop age-appropriate social skills.

“Parents should consider positive alternatives to friendship bans,” Laursen said. “Focus on maintaining positive relationships with children, as warmth and support can be effective buffers against troublesome peer pressure, potentially breaking the spiral of peer problems and adjustment difficulties.”

Researchers also suggest that parents can provide opportunities for constructive peer engagement in supervised settings and encourage participation in adult-sponsored clubs and activities that potentially reduce deviant behavior.

The study was co-authored by Goda Kaniušonytė, a researcher at Mykolas Romeris University.