How to Recognize the Subtle Characteristics of Toxic Compounds

A toxic person is someone whose presence constantly causes stress, conflict, uncertainty, and emotional pain. They often disregard boundaries, are self-centered, and leave others feeling drained, trapped in a cycle of neediness, control, manipulation, and sometimes abuse.

While “toxic” is far from a clinical diagnosis, it is a term commonly used to describe behaviors rooted in underlying psychological issues. These behaviors can stem from personality disorders, mood disorders, and unresolved childhood traumas or attachment wounds that manifest in destructive ways.

Children who grow up in neglectful or abusive families often repeat dysfunctional relationship patterns. The survival strategies they have developed to navigate their chaotic world can result in harmful and unhealthy dynamics in their adult relationships. However, although these maladaptive behaviors may be linked to childhood trauma, they remain harmful and unacceptable.

Toxic traits

Incompatibility: While everyone has mood and behavioral swings, toxic friends often go to extremes, behaving in unpredictable and unpredictable ways. They can be inconsistent in their communication—you can never be sure if they’ll keep their word or follow through on plans. Their emotional reactions can be impulsive and volatile. This level of unpredictability can make you feel like you’re walking on thin ice and feeling insecure in your relationship.

Jealousy: Competition and even jealousy among friends are not only normal, but evolutionarily necessary for growth. It’s important that we learn to cope with difficult emotions like jealousy instead of letting them take over. Jealousy is a human emotion that we all experience from time to time, but when it comes from a place of self-centeredness and low self-esteem, it can be unhealthy. Good friends invest in each other’s well-being, but toxic friends may not show it. Remember, your friends are the people you celebrate your victories with, not the people you hide your success from.

It’s always about them: Friendships should be mutual and require ongoing time and energy. In healthy friendships, each other’s perspective is valued, emotions and needs are validated, and there is empathy. If you feel like your friend’s neediness is overwhelming or that they only reach out when it’s convenient for them, it may not be a healthy and stable friendship.

No liability: In healthy friendships, there is a commitment to understanding the other person’s perspective and taking responsibility when things go wrong. If your friend refuses to acknowledge their part in the conflicts or is unwilling to make an effort to repair the relationship, the friendship may be dysfunctional.

Manipulative: Good friends communicate openly, are able to be transparent with each other, and accept each other’s perspectives. Behaviors like gaslighting—where someone tries to make you doubt your observations or memories—or always makes you feel like it’s your fault, are common behaviors of toxic people. Stretching the truth, exaggerating, or omitting information in order to control your opinions and behaviors is harmful and undermines trust.

Pushing the boundaries: Healthy friends respect each other’s boundaries and try to act on their friends’ needs. Toxic friends, on the other hand, interpret personal boundaries as abandonment or rejection. Intrusiveness, disregard for privacy, excessive demands for attention, and a refusal to respect one’s boundaries are clear indicators of toxic traits.

Signs You Might Be in a Toxic Friendship

• In their presence you often feel anxious, uncertain, or nervous.
• Your emotional needs are constantly marginalized or ignored.
• They exhibit controlling behavior and do not compromise.
• They humiliate you, make fun of you, or present insults as jokes that make you feel bad.
• You often feel guilty and apologize even when you have done nothing wrong.
• They take no responsibility for their actions, placing the blame on you.
• They try to change fundamental aspects of your personality – your mindset, your lifestyle, and your core values.
• They are energy vampires. You feel emotionally drained in their presence.
• The relationship is one-sided – they take more than they give.
• They are emotionally unstable and unpredictable.
• They only turn to you when they need you, rarely offering support when it’s your turn.
• They show little interest in your personal life and your emotions, and most conversations revolve around them.

How to Deal with Toxic Friendships

Regulate your emotions: You can’t control someone else’s actions and emotions, but you can control your own. Incorporate healthy coping strategies like mindfulness, meditation, and breathing exercises to connect with your body and feelings. It’s important to take care of your physical and emotional well-being. Self-reflection and building awareness around your triggers and evaluating recurring relationship patterns will help you find healthy and supportive friendships.

Communicate: Especially if it’s someone you care about, letting them know how they make you feel will give them a chance to make amends. Open conversations about friendship will increase connection and vulnerability, and it will also lead to healing. Let your friend know what you’re experiencing by using “I” statements. For example: When you don’t call me when I need help, I feel abandoned.

Remember, we can never “fix” someone else. It can be overwhelming to want to help our friends, especially when they are going through a tough time, but the reality is we can’t do someone else’s job. Everyone is responsible for their own healing, although we can offer support and encourage them to get the help they need. Talking to a mental health professional can help them identify the reasons behind their behaviors and help them learn better ways to cope with their feelings.

Friends may reject your help, but what is important is that you made the effort to be there for them and support them.

Set boundaries: Set clear and consistent boundaries about how you want to be treated, as well as what your limits and expectations are. Hesitation to set boundaries may stem from fear of how they will react and from avoiding angry outbursts or retaliatory behavior. Toxic people may resist your boundaries and try to push you away, make you feel guilty, or even threaten you. However, it is important to enforce boundaries, otherwise a healthy relationship will not be possible. If your friend continues to disrespect the boundaries you have set, you may want to limit or avoid interactions with them.

If effective communication doesn’t work or the situation escalates into predatory behaviors like stalking or even bullying, it may be necessary to cut ties. If you feel threatened, taking legal action and getting the professional help you need is crucial.

Talking to a mental health professional can help you identify patterns and become more aware of your role in the relationship and learn to set boundaries. Understanding why this person makes you feel the way you do can help you overcome toxicity and come out of it in a healthy way.

To find a therapist in your area, visit Psychology Today’s therapy directory.