3 Ways to Avoid the Terrible Divorce of Your Old Age, According to Research

The good news is that the overall divorce rate in the U.S. is declining, CNN reports. The bad news is that among people age 50 and older, the divorce rate has doubled in the past two decades. In 1990, married couples in that age group accounted for just one in 10 divorces.

By 2009, that number had risen to nearly one in four. The study also found that the divorce rate was 2.5 times higher for people in that age group who had been previously married, according to a study called “The Gray Divorce Revolution,” co-authored by sociologist Susan Brown, co-director of the National Center for Family and Marriage Research at Bowling Green State University, and I-Fen Lin.

Because the study relied on census data to determine trends rather than direct responses from divorcees, the authors could only cite correlating sociological trends to explain the phenomena. Researchers and analysts point to several social forces that are driving this trend. Women are more independent and empowered than ever before, making divorce more financially feasible than it was two decades ago. It’s common knowledge that people who have been married before have significantly higher divorce rates.

Because of the rise in divorce rates since the 1970s, many previously married couples have found themselves at increased risk. Furthermore, for the late baby boomer generation, divorce has lost much of its social stigma. What can you do if you are married and looking to your fiftieth birthday and beyond? How can you help ensure that your marriage does not become part of these grim statistics, especially if you are not in your first marriage?

Here are 3 ways you can avoid the dreaded divorce over gray hair, according to research:

1. Renew your commitment to the higher purpose of your marriage

Many people today believe that their marriage is a matter of happiness. This relatively new view of the purpose of marriage came into vogue with the baby boomer generation, also known as the “me” generation. Dr. Brown, one of the authors of The Gray Divorce study, describes the shift in attitudes toward marriage as “a focus on the fact that marriage must make individuals happy, rather than on how well each individual fulfills his or her marital roles.”

He goes on to say that “this is at least partly due to the baby boomer generation’s status as the first generation to enter marriage with the primary goal of self-fulfillment.” If you believe that the purpose of your marriage is simply to make you happy, and on top of that you hold your partner accountable for the degree to which you find happiness when times get tough (and they do) and the happy feelings fade, then there’s not enough to hold your marriage together.

On the other hand, if you see your marriage as having a higher purpose, something that goes beyond you, and if your spouse shares that view, you can hold on to that higher purpose when everything seems to be falling apart.

What higher purpose, you ask? What about commitment to a promise? What about keeping a covenant? What about determination to become the person your spouse needs, rather than simply waiting for your spouse to transform into the person you think you need and deserve? What about true love that endures “through thick and thin.”

2. Realize that marriage is not just about you

Duke University ethics professor Dr. Stanley Hauerwas describes the destructive power of this self-fulfillment paradigm as “assuming that marriage and family are primarily institutions of personal fulfillment, necessary for us to become ‘whole’ and happy. The assumption is that there is someone out there we can marry, and that if we look hard enough, we will find the right person. This moral assumption misses a crucial aspect of marriage. It fails to appreciate that we always marry the wrong person.”

She goes on to say that no matter how well you think you know your spouse, when you get married you really have no idea what you’re getting into: “The fundamental challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger you’ve married.” Many in Generation Me seem to have a hard time grasping the concept of selfless, sacrificial love. I know because I’m a Generation Me!

But the truth is, it’s the kind of love that transforms marriages and leads to ultimate and lasting fulfillment. It makes us ask ourselves different questions than we might naturally be inclined to ask:

• Instead of asking, “What’s in it for me?” ask, “How can I bless you?”
• Instead of asking, “What are my rights?” ask, “What is fair?”
• Instead of asking, “What will help me advance my cause?” ask, “What will strengthen my marriage?”
• Instead of asking “What can I get?” ask “What can I give?”

Being selfless isn’t just good for your relationship. Research shows that people who are willing to care for others and their close relationships tend to experience greater well-being.

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I understand the fear and anxiety associated with being selfless. What if my spouse doesn’t reciprocate my feelings and my needs aren’t met? Don’t I need to take care of myself? While it’s true that there are no guarantees when it comes to people, genuine, sacrificial love is a force for good that best leads to true fulfillment. It’s the kind of love that nourishes and sustains a marriage in the long run.

3. Decide every day to make your marriage your top priority

Every day, thousands of things compete for our attention. Today, more than ever, we rush from task to task, screen to screen, crisis to crisis. It’s easy to look away from what’s important in order to stay on top of what’s urgent.

Your marriage is an organic entity: it either grows or dies. If you want your marriage to last into old age, make a daily decision to invest in it now. Be vigilant in your relationship. Guard it. Nurture it. Whether things are going well or not, choose to make it a priority.

Too many couples reach the stage in life where the child leaves the nest only to find themselves married to someone they barely know. Maybe you’ve been slowly drifting apart without even realizing it. Maybe you’ve been so focused on your children, your career, and accumulating things that you’ve neglected to stay connected to the most important relationship in your life.