Celebrate Grandparenthood – Set Boundaries for Healthy Relationships

Around Valentine’s Day, Lorraine Holeman, a counselor and owner of Summit GVL, likes to post a quote by therapist, author, and activist Prentis Hemphill on the chalkboard in her office: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and myself at the same time.”

“Hemphill’s quote really beautifully describes how boundaries are not an immediate ‘no’ and are not meant to keep people out of your life,” Holeman explained. “Boundaries are a place where both parties have agreed to clarify their expectations of the relationship and honor those expectations.”

Holeman believes that while boundaries are useful in any relationship, they can be an especially helpful tool for first-time parents and grandparents as they transition into a new role.

“It’s a time of a lot of emotion and it can be a little awkward because everyone involved is learning something new,” Holeman said. “You can have expectations about what you want your new parents and grandparents to be like, but if you don’t communicate that, you have people trying to read your mind, and that can lead to a lot of frustration and hurt feelings.”

Talking with grandparents (and anyone else you would like to see in your family’s life) about boundaries before you start your new life can help smooth the process and create healthy, lasting relationships.

“It can be done in a very nice, clear and loving way, while still allowing for an adjustment period because everyone is learning,” Holeman said.

Here are Holeman’s tips and tricks for setting and maintaining boundaries.

Think about what boundaries you want and need

Holeman recommends assessing your values ​​and priorities to create healthy boundaries that evolve with you. “What I love about using your values ​​and priorities to set boundaries is that these things change with every season of life,” she explained.

Be aware of shared boundaries that help in parenting

There are three areas to pay attention to:

1. Time and schedule: Holeman said that when schedules change to accommodate naps, soccer practice, nuclear family time, after-school work and more, everyone needs to be willing to adjust and respect the family’s schedule.

“That respect goes both ways,” she said. “If grandparents retire and their schedules change, they might want to travel more or invest in hobbies. That idea of ​​respecting people’s time and schedules as life changes through parenting and grandparenting is so important.”

2. Finances, Resources, and Gift Giving: At first, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by all the stuff and toys the kids have. Parents may understandably want to limit and curate gifts, while grandparents may understandably want to give a gift to their grandchild as a token of love and affection. Holeman said that while it may seem innocent at first, as the gifts and resources grow, so do the expectations about how the resources and gifts will be used and distributed. She suggested having this conversation early on to save yourself a lot of heartache.

3. Parental decisions: How someone raises and runs their family will generate a lot of opinions. “Being able to communicate a boundary by saying something like, ‘I care about you and I appreciate your opinion, but I would rather discipline and parent the way we feel is right for our family,’ is a great way to hopefully get everyone on the same page,” Holeman said.

Understand what type of boundary you are setting

According to Holeman, boundaries come in three forms: rigid, porous, and healthy.

“Rigid boundaries usually involve words like always or never,” she said. “Porous boundaries often feel like there are no rules and you’re letting others dictate your life, while healthy boundaries are usually more flexible and tailored to what you need at a given time in your life.”

Communication and timing are key

“The only way we can establish and enforce boundaries is through communication,” Holeman said. “Communication can be in the moment, which can feel like a lot of no’s up front, which can feel a little uncomfortable, or after the fact, by saying you didn’t like how something happened.”

Ideally, Holeman said, the best way to set boundaries is to have a conversation ahead of time. “If you can outline how you want the relationship to look and function ahead of time,” she said, “it allows everyone to understand your expectations and have a chance to adjust and set their own expectations.”

Better late than never

Holeman believes it’s never too late to go back and have an intentional, honest conversation about boundaries. “If you’re feeling frustrated, resentful, overwhelmed, or even burned out, you probably should have talked about boundaries a while ago,” she explained. “These feelings are signals that you need to talk about boundaries before everyone’s feelings get more intense.”

Start small and act purposefully

“Don’t start a conversation about boundaries with a list of 20 things you want to cover,” Holeman said.

She advises starting the conversation by focusing primarily on the relationship, and then limiting yourself to only bringing up the few issues that really frustrate you.

“For example, you could say, ‘I really want you to be in my life and my child’s life, but it would be best for us if you (insert boundary),” she suggested. “That lets the person know that the boundary you’re setting isn’t about them or the relationship, but about a specific behavior.”

Be a role model for your child in healthy behavior

While it may be tempting to set hard boundaries or just leave them loose, setting, maintaining, and respecting healthy boundaries will show your child how to do this.

“If you want to raise kids who can listen to and respect their own voices and have healthy relationships with others, start including them in discussions about boundaries and give them a voice when appropriate,” Holeman said.

Show everyone (including yourself) a little grace

“It’s not easy,” Holeman warned. “So really evaluate things and make sure the boundaries you’re setting are healthy. Once you set a boundary, be kind to yourself and remember that it’s something that aligns with your values ​​and how you want to be in relationships with others.”

Keep a healthy relationship a goal

Holeman says most parents and grandparents move into their new roles and relationships with the best intentions. “Typically, grandparents just want a relationship with their children and grandchildren,” she said, “and they’re trying to do that the best they can. And most parents are just trying to raise the nuclear family in the way they think is best. When everyone at the table can express their expectations and set healthy boundaries, and those boundaries are respected, it builds trust and makes relationships stronger and healthier for years to come.”

This article originally appeared in the Greenville News: Good Boundaries Make Good Grandparents