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5 Non-Obvious Signs You Might Be Heading For Divorce

Heory

Even the healthiest, long-term relationships have their ups and downs. So how do you know when you’re wading through rough but temporary waters and when your relationship is in serious decline?

We asked couples therapists to share some of the less obvious signs that a marriage might be headed for divorce. Here’s what to look for, according to our experts:

1. You stopped fighting each other.

At first glance, this may seem counterintuitive, says Abigail Makepeace, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, because many people believe that fewer arguments indicate a stronger relationship.

However, when a couple no longer feels like talking about their problems, it may be a sign that they have become emotionally distant.

“A lack of conflict may suggest that one or both partners no longer see the relationship as worth fighting for or, more broadly, worth saving,” Makepeace told HuffPost. “If one partner stops complaining without ever addressing the underlying issues, it could be a sign that they’ve given up on the relationship and are getting ready to leave.”

West Los Angeles clinical psychologist David Narang said he has observed this while working with male patients in heterosexual marriages. At first, their wives may express sadness and anger when they feel emotionally disconnected. This creates conflict and attracts the attention of their husbands. But when the wives stop sharing their frustrations, the husbands often feel relieved. They assume that all is well in the marriage, but this assumption is “a mistake with tragic consequences,” Narang told HuffPost.

“In this situation, the wife did not calm down because everything was fine, but rather because she had given up, withdrawn, and begun to live an emotionally separate life,” he continued.

“It makes the marriage incredibly fragile because she’s no longer drawing nourishment from it, and therefore has less and less investment in it. As a result, she’s much more likely to respond by filing for divorce when things go wrong,” he said.

2. Your lives are becoming more and more separate.

It’s normal and healthy for partners to maintain some autonomy in a marriage — whether that’s through having their own friendships, career aspirations or hobbies. But a “growing sense of division” can be a warning sign that a marriage is falling apart, Makepeace said.

“In troubled couples, the tendency to spend more time apart may not only reflect a healthy balance but rather a preference for living apart,” she said. “This increasing separation often indicates a deeper disconnect and a diminished desire to share experiences.”

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3. You are not honest with each other.

Boca Raton, Florida-based marriage and family therapist Marni Feuerman differentiates between privacy and secrecy in a relationship, telling HuffPost:Privacy is about personal boundaries, while secrecy is about deliberately hiding something.”

If partners are deliberately hiding secrets from each other, it may be a sign that the marriage is headed for divorce.

“Lack of trust may be the more obvious reason, but there may also be more ‘under the radar’ reasons,” she said. “For example, one or both of you may be more avoidant of intimacy or less willing to take emotional risks with each other, so you don’t reveal much about your actions and inner thoughts to your partner. This will certainly strain your emotional bond.”

4. You rarely talk about the future.

When couples stop talking about their goals and plans for the future, it can indicate a “lack of desire to grow and experience life together,” Makepeace said.

“This lack of planning for the future often stems from a sense of complacency, where partners become accustomed to the present and lose motivation to improve or expand their relationship,” she added.

“As a result, feelings of stagnation can arise, leading to boredom, lack of personal and relational growth, and general unhappiness.”

Over time, if a couple can no longer imagine a satisfying life together in the future, “This can cause a re-evaluation of the relationship, potentially leading to separation,” Makepeace added.

5. You confide in other people more than in your spouse.

Another, less obvious sign, Feuerman said, is that you open up more to a friend, coworker or relative than to your spouse.

“You can’t have an intimate bond with your partner unless you regularly share your inner world, including your dreams, hopes, fears, etc.,” she said. “If someone else knows more about you than your spouse, that’s a bad sign for the marriage. Maybe you need to set some solid boundaries with others and put more emotional energy into your marriage.”

Important note: Too often, unhappy partners don’t tell their spouses how unhappy they are “until it’s almost too late,” Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist in Little Rock, Arkansas, told HuffPost. That’s why it’s so important to speak up when you’re struggling, rather than bottle it up. And don’t be afraid to lean on outside resources — like books and professional counseling — to help you rebuild and strengthen your relationship.

“There’s so much to learn about a good marriage,” Whetstone said. “People can’t expect you to improvise; you have to be mindful and deliberate. I tell couples to dig in with a good therapist, let them be their teacher and learn the skills. It’s worth it.”

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