8 Brutally Honest Truths About Marriage That My Therapist Told Me

If you’ve never sat on a stranger’s couch with a pack of tissues on your lap, howling, and watching a kind-hearted man smile without judgment or criticism, you don’t know what you’re missing.

After the weight of my husband’s opiate addiction threatened to choke me or drive me crazy—whichever came first—and after discovering my codependency issues, I was unexpectedly referred to a retired therapist who lives within walking distance of my home. I needed help (desperately) and still can’t believe my good fortune to have found a therapist so perfectly suited to my specific issues.

Not only has he worked in addiction therapy for decades, but he has also done couples therapy with his wife. This man has survived many marriages, good and bad relationships, and has counseled hundreds of couples (if not more) in his career, and he is never shy about sharing those life experiences with me.

As someone who got married very young and struggled with where my “wifely duties” ended and my commitments to my well-being began, I needed guidance. Not only was I given a safe space to vent, cry, and complain, but I came away from each session with at least one phrase or reflection that spoke deeply to me.

Here are 8 brutally honest truths about marriage that I learned from my therapist:

1. Love is mutual

At first glance, one might laugh at such a statement. Love is not dependent on what we get in return, is it? Love does not count points, does not need anything in return, is not needy. But the basic definition of love — caring about the health, happiness, and well-being of someone more than you do yourself — should be mutual. If you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly giving, giving, giving to the point of exhaustion, and if you don’t feel important, cared for, or even considered, then something else is going on besides love.

Although the scales will not always be balanced, Love in marriage it should be mutual. It’s such a basic concept, but it helped me look at things from the perspective of what I give and what I receive.

2. Abuse is not always obvious

A direct statement that changed my life. I spent over 5 years in an abusive marriage and had no idea. He never hit me, never yelled at me, never called me names that were hurtful—yet the violence was there, hidden beneath my excuses and justifications for his behavior. Sometimes it takes an objective, outside perspective to shine a light on the truth you didn’t want to see.

What are the subtle signs of abuse? One study reports that it can look like a fear of saying “no” to a partner, a partner not admitting when they are wrong, and criticism.

3. You can’t be a supporter and an enforcer at the same time

This was in the context of my husband’s addiction and my facilitator tendencies, but it’s also true in my marriage and parenting. Enforcing boundaries and rules isn’t easy (especially for someone like me who wants to constantly support and love everyone in my life), but it’s important. And no, you can’t be an enforcer and a support system at the same time.

4. Not all relationships are meant to last

Here’s a hard truth that transcends any “until death do us part” promise. My therapist has a Rolodex of examples, some personal, some professional, of relationships that had to end.

Some relationships are toxic and harmful, and sometimes a relationship reaches a point where there is nothing left to learn, no way to grow together, and you have to let it go. That doesn’t make the relationship a failure—something was learned from it—it just makes the relationship end.

5. Physical attraction isn’t everything

Just because I’ve historically been most attracted to men with issues and baggage doesn’t mean I’m meant to be with them; it just means I might not be as healthy as I assumed. When my therapist told me his healthiest relationship was one that started with little to no “spark,” I initially felt sad. How can you be in a relationship where there’s no heat, no fireworks? But from a wiser perspective, “spark” isn’t always a green light. In fact, in many cases, it can be a red flag.

In future relationships I will wonder Why I feel attracted to a certain man before I trust my reproductive organs. As research tells us, physical attractiveness gets you through the door, but it can’t keep you at the table. It takes more than that to make a relationship work.

6. You will never love anyone until you love yourself.

It was phrased more like, “Have you come to the conclusion that you can’t truly love anyone until you first love yourself?” As if loving myself were a marker on the path to truly healthy thinking, a marker that I would eventually transcend.

Of course I nodded, considering the common saying that everyone thinks they understand. I’ll be honest, it took me a good six months of consciously practicing self-love before I realized the depth of that statement.

After finding a more loving and compassionate relationship with myself, I was able to understand how Other people need love. Beyond romantic love, contractual love, tough love, I-love-you-but-don’t-like-you love, there is the true essence of pure LOVE—in all its warmth and gentleness, a love that can only be understood by experiencing it With myself Down myself.

7. Not everyone can give you the love you deserve

“Is he capable of loving you?” my therapist asked me one day. It’s a question I’ve asked myself many times, reflecting on his hurtful past, his violent tendencies, and the disease that makes him self-centered and manipulative. He may love me as best he can, but is it enough?

After asking myself this question in silence and peace, the answer was something I always knew, deep inside. Maybe we should stop asking our partners, “Do you love me?” and start wondering if they are capable of loving us the way they do. We define love.

8. The best thing you can do for your family is to take care of your health.

My therapist doesn’t define “health” by a BMI number or a specific diet. Rather, health is having a clear mind, strong boundaries, and a withdrawn perspective on life. And being healthy, by that definition, gives us the ability to offer our partners and children the best of ourselves.

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If you think you may be suffering from depression or anxiety as a result of long-term emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic violence can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you have done wrong. If you feel you may be in danger, you can get help 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you are unable to talk safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.

Michelle Horton is a freelance writer and social media specialist who founded the website Early Mama. She writes about advocacy, motherhood, divorce, and relationships.