Make Friends with Anger | Psychology Today

One client noted, “My father’s anger is responsible for my trauma.” Another shared, “I was never allowed to express my anger.” Still another confessed, “I have hurt so many people with my anger.” These are just a few examples of the many statements I hear when working with clients to help them express and deal with anger in healthy ways. This is often an uphill battle because we must first address their fear of feeling anger before we can begin to confront the anger itself.

Anger is something we’ve all encountered—whether in movies, global conflicts, or within ourselves or our personal relationships. It can be unsettling, anxiety-provoking, and often feel threatening. But like all emotions, anger serves an important purpose. It signals unmet needs or perceived injustices, motivating us to overcome obstacles and protect ourselves.

In my work with clients, I often emphasize that anger is not inherently bad—it is a natural, necessary, and intelligent emotion, as Tara Brach says. Anger usually stems from a sense of being wronged, but it is crucial to understand that it is not the emotion itself that is harmful; it is how we control and respond to it. If left unchecked, anger can overwhelm us, shaping our identity in harmful ways and hurting both ourselves and others. On the other hand, anger can be a powerful motivator, pushing us to set boundaries, address injustice, and communicate more effectively. When channeled constructively, it is a catalyst for significant change.

I had a client who saw herself as a people-pleaser. She described a relationship with a selfish relative in which she took on the role of constant caretaker—even though that relative was fully capable of taking care of herself. My client never communicated her needs and consistently put her relative’s well-being ahead of her own. Over time, this dynamic naturally created resentment, but she didn’t allow herself to fully acknowledge it.

She had unconsciously developed a habit of putting others’ needs first in order to demonstrate her worth and gain love. In previous sessions, it was clear that my client was feeling anger but was not allowing herself to fully experience it. Instead, she defensively buried her feelings, leaving her feeling used and emotionally drained. Deep down, she believed that tapping into her anger would jeopardize her relationships. After all, who would she be if she stopped pleasing others? This fear kept her trapped in a cycle of over-giving and over-denial, terrified that expressing her needs would lead to rejection.

During a recent journey, the imbalance in their relationship became even more obvious—one person was always taking, while the other was endlessly giving. Tensions built up, bringing the problem to the surface. Recognizing the pattern, the client confronted the problem head on. As this client worked through her anger, she began to realize that her emotions weren’t inherently destructive. Rather, they were a signal that something needed to change. By learning to recognize and accept her anger, she was able to create healthier boundaries in her relationships. She found that expressing her anger didn’t mean being harsh or hostile, but instead allowed her to advocate for herself in a way that was both assertive and compassionate. Her anger became a source of motivation, driving her to express her needs and take action.

This experience is not unique to my client. Many people, especially those who have been conditioned to suppress their emotions, have difficulty accepting anger as a tool for personal empowerment. They fear it will alienate others or lead to conflict, not realizing that unexpressed anger often manifests itself in unhealthy ways—whether through passive aggression, resentment, self-sabotage, depression, or anxiety.

Many people, however, tend to see their anger as inherently aggressive and fear the consequences of expressing it. As a result, they often avoid it. I have also met people whose anger seems overwhelming and frightening because of the level of rage they carry within themselves, leading to a need to protect themselves and others. The challenge is to guide them to face their anger without internalizing it or externalizing it.

The key to mastering anger is cultivating a mindful relationship with it. We need to learn to sit with our anger, understand its root causes, and use it as a source of clarity and strength. Anger can be a powerful force for setting boundaries, motivating change, and pushing us toward justice, but only when we intentionally manage it. By reframing our relationship with anger, we can move from a reactive state to a thoughtful, constructive one.

Ultimately, the goal is not to eliminate anger but to transform it. When we learn to manage our anger consciously and skillfully, it can become a catalyst for deeper self-awareness, healthier relationships, and a more balanced life. In this way, anger, instead of being something to be feared, becomes a signpost—a way to point us toward our unmet needs and values. When we learn to manage it, we create space for healing, growth, and authentic connection.