The stupid toy that exposed my broken marriage

After a year and a half at home with my son, I had to go back to work. Maybe it was the hormones, but the thought tore me apart. We did everything together. God, how I would miss those walks in the park, watching Wigglesand dancing with him to the music of the Beatles.

“You can’t just sit at home all day and do nothing,” Jason said. “You have to go back to work now.” Financially, it made sense. Emotionally, I couldn’t understand it.

Toy’s Story in the background on the TV, as it did most nights before bed. The whole conversation made my stomach hurt every time it was mentioned. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t go back to TV production. It just wouldn’t work for me as a mother now.

Plus, he reminded me repeatedly that I had given up my career to have a child. What could I do that would earn me what Jason thought I should earn, but without the stress and overtime, so I could be as present a mother as I could? “Reach for the sky!”

One National Library of Medicine study found that women struggled with both emotional and chronic pregnancy-related health issues when they returned to work. A key finding of the study is that more than a quarter of participants (26.5%) said their health was “fair” or “poor” during their first month back at work.

In addition, most participants reported significant mental health problems during reintegration. More than half reported feeling depressed for several days or more in the first month of returning to work after giving birth, and more than two-thirds reported feeling anxious for several days or more.

I returned to work after having my son in the fall of 2003. I reluctantly took a job as an executive assistant to a high-profile CEO of a well-known brand. The last thing I wanted to do was anything approaching secretarial work, but the job paid well—significantly more than CNN—and the hours, from 6 a.m. to 2:30 p.m., were ideal.

It was going to be the worst job of my life, but I had to do it for now. So my mom started working, and my baby started going to daycare. I felt alienated. Alone. Lost.

Being a full-time stay-at-home mom kept me active and busy enough to forget about the problems in my marriage.

Yan Krukau | Pexels

When I was a full-time mother, it was easier to pretend to be happy, even though the control was overwhelming. Now that I had a job that had become incredibly stressful and abusive, everything in my life suddenly felt suffocating. Being away from my baby gave me time to remember that I was unhappy at home, and that work was not a breath of fresh air. I lost my identity as both a young producer and a new mother.

I mourned my freedom and missed the days I spent alone with my child. With each passing day, my nerves and sanity were wearing down my spirit.

During the workday, I often crossed the pedestrian bridge to Century City Mall, where I spent my lunch hours mindlessly spending too much money as a twisted coping mechanism. I especially enjoyed my lunch hours at Christmas, doing my holiday shopping surrounded by the sounds and smells of the season and wandering the outdoor festive mall.

Silvana Carlos | Unsplash

One lost day, I checked out a toy store to see if there was anything small I wanted to add to my baby’s gifts. As soon as I walked in, I saw it.

Smiling goofily in all his cowboy glory. It was a prize Woody doll; they were impossible to find. We had already purchased Buzz Lightyear, but Woody was sold out everywhere. His likeness was perfect, right down to the string function. He was there waiting for me.

My face lit up and my heart felt full. I was so excited and happy to have found this special gift and I couldn’t wait for my son to open it under the tree on Christmas morning. How cool would it be for him to have a Woody and Buzz set.

Since starting my new job, I have rarely felt a surge of joy.