3 Weird Things Men Focus Too Much On When It Comes To Finding A Wife

I remember when I was in my twenties. Believe it or not, I just wanted to be married to someone who appreciated me. Guys had no problem sleeping with me. They really liked my personality too.

But you know what? Until my husband, none of them seriously saw me as wife material. They were faking my future. Eventually I got married. And then, when my exes saw how I treated my husband, they started complaining and saying they “wished they were him.” My response: “Ugh, guys, if you did that, I would have been the wife and that would have been your husband five years ago. Stop it.”

Besides, I often asked them why they didn’t see me as a good wife for them. More often than not, they ended up saying something stupid. My curiosity and very open conversation with people taught me a lot. These three factors are the most common culprits — and why you shouldn’t judge based on them.

Here are the 3 weird things men focus on most when it comes to finding a wife:

1. How many partners has the woman had?

Every woman you meet will have a past. What she did with others has no bearing on her loyalty to you. What she did with others also has no bearing on whether you will be the best she has ever had.

The fact that this is the norm shows how insecure many guys are. One study found that men viewed a potential romantic partner’s intimate past as more important than women.

If you judge a marriage partner by the number of partners they’ve had, you’re probably not taking the right factors into account. Few people marry the best they’ve ever had, otherwise I would have gotten married before I finished high school.

Believe it or not, some of the happiest marriages I’ve ever seen are between adult film stars and their partners. It doesn’t matter how many people the person has been with. If they choose you, they choose you. Besides, there’s something to be said for the experience they bring to bed and what that does to your intimacy.

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2. How conventionally beautiful she is

Do I mean you should date someone you find unattractive? No. Quite the opposite. I’ve seen many men who were passionately in love with girls who didn’t meet society’s standards. What happened to those women?

I’ll tell you as one of those women: they were swept under the rug and kept as “dirty little secrets.” They were treated well as long as they didn’t go public. And they were never required to. It hurt them. Oh, and because they were treated that way, they (err, me) had to go through years of therapy.

Women who become one man’s “dirty secret” often end up in better relationships. And when they do, they often end up as wives in pretty decent situations. In the meantime, these men have simply shot themselves in the foot. They complain about dead relationships in the bedroom, they resent “trophy wife” and then they cheat to relax.

Is that you? Well, you’re doing well. You certainly married wisely. You’ve learned a very valuable lesson: every trophy eventually loses its luster.

3. How much money does he earn?

I’ve had quite a few exes who were deeply horrified by the amount of money I made. Every one of them took it out on me in at least one way. Many guys want to be the primary earner and want to be perceived as such by their friends. One study by the Pew Research Center found that about 48% of men who are married to a woman would prefer to earn more than their wife.

So when they have a girlfriend who earns more than them, they cheat to feel better. Or they abuse them. Or they use them for money but don’t marry them. It’s a very strange thing that I’ve noticed and I can’t understand.

Christina Morillo / Pexels

I currently support my spouse financially. He does most of the repairs, cleaning, and planning of social gatherings at my house. It’s great. It’s a partnership in which we both thrive. The only problem is that our roles are reversed—and that’s okay. I can’t believe some guys would say no to that.

If you look closely at each problem, you might notice something. Each of these “marriage factors” stems from insecurity. A man who is confident enough to love someone who is his equal or superior is a good man. And he is the man who has a happy love life. It is when you let your fears rule you that you end up hurting yourself.

In most cases, you should be looking for someone who wants to improve you, improve your life, and also take care of their own affairs. Look for personality and genuine concern, not superficial things. Marriage should be about elevating both. If the factors you are looking at are shallow and designed to create insecurity, don’t be surprised if your marriage doesn’t work for you.

Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has appeared in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and elsewhere.