Reason #1 Why People Keep Trying to Take Advantage of Your Kindness and How to Stop It

At a young age, most people are taught to always behave themselves, never step out of line, or never be “selfish”—especially little girls. This causes us to lack the boundaries needed to protect ourselves from people who try to take advantage of our kindness.

Teaching kindness without boundaries has resulted in people growing up with extreme people-pleasing complexes. In the study, 36% of people would probably describe themselves as people-pleasers, and that’s a lot of people without healthy boundaries!

So how do we fix this? We learn to set boundaries and enforce them—with consequences.

Lack of boundaries is the main reason why people take advantage of your kindness

But before you panic, take a moment to take a breath — there is a solution. The Relationship Fitness Summit, hosted by YourTango CEO Andrea Miller, is a completely free and virtual event from September 25-28 where you can learn healthy relationship habits you can implement immediately to feel more seen, understood, and appreciated by simply registering.

In it, motivational coach Mark Groves shares exactly why people constantly push your boundaries and drain you with their needs. When someone is being cruel or taking advantage of your kindness, Groves suggests there are two things people need to look for. First, they need to acknowledge that what the other person did was wrong, and second, they need to ask themselves, “Why am I putting up with this?”

She suggests we think, “Hey, my husband, my wife, my partner isn’t changing. My friend never takes the feedback I give them and doesn’t change,” and asks, “What are you doing about it?” What boundaries are you setting that are both protective and empowering?

As Groves said, “A boundary without consequences is not a boundary. It’s a suggestion.” Just like with dog training or raising a toddler, there have to be consequences. Otherwise, you’re just letting your dog or toddler walk all over you.

Groves said, “Once you let a dog do something, that’s what it’s going to do all the time. It’s the same with people, you know?”

A boundary without consequences is just a suggestion

So how do you strengthen those boundaries? And most importantly, how do you strengthen those boundaries when all other options fail?

Therapist Kate O’Brien explained that if you want to say “no” and the other person keeps pushing, it’s a clear sign that your boundaries are being violated.

YourTango Relationship Fitness Summit

How to protect your borders

To protect yourself, “be clear and direct about your needs,” O’Brien says. And if they can’t respect that, set limits and consequences. Things like walking away, changing the subject, or directly limiting your interactions with the other person are okay—and should be encouraged.

What if you can’t walk away or just take a break from the person or situation? What’s the best thing to do? O’Brien suggests that if you can’t walk away, look for coping tools (that are healthy) and things you can control. For example, closing the door, meditating, or turning on your favorite TV show are all valid options.

Understand that boundaries are never about controlling others. Rather, boundaries are actions you take to protect yourself and feel safe. And while it may take practice, it’s worth starting small and gradually increasing them.

For more information, please visit free relationship fitness summitSeptember 25-28, where you will have the opportunity to learn:

The proven tools, skills, and strategies you need to improve the health of your relationships in ALL the key areas of your life: at work, with your family and friends, in your love life, and most importantly, with yourself.
The immense power of a good relationship and how it is crucial not only to your happiness, longevity, health and emotional well-being, but also to your financial well-being.
The power of deep listening, responsibility and curiosity to build exceptional relationships.
… and much more!

Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a BA in psychology who writes about self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology.