Recent studies have shown that hearing the words “thank you” really means a lot to parents.

Most days, being a parent can feel like the most thankless job in the world. You work tirelessly and pour your heart and soul into giving your children everything, and yet you rarely get even a “thank you,” much less a sincere appreciation for all you’ve done for your children. Sure, it’s nice to hear a “thank you” every now and then, but does experiencing gratitude from those you love really matter?

Previous research has shown that hearing “thank you” or any expression of gratitude can be important for the quality of relationships between romantic partners, but what about the relationship between a parent and a child, or what about the quality of the relationship between two partners who are also parents? A study recently published in Journal of Positive Psychology addressed this issue by examining whether hearing the words “thank you” was associated with any positive outcomes, such as improved relationships, reduced parenting stress, or improved mental well-being.

Details of the study

The study involved 593 parents of children aged 4 to 17. All of the parents in the study were married or in a romantic relationship. Parents completed a questionnaire to find out whether their family members expressed gratitude to them, meaning the extent to which their partner or children expressed appreciation and recognition for the work they did for the family. The researchers also asked about their relationship with their partner, their level of parenting stress, and whether they had any symptoms of psychological stress (translation: feeling nervous, hopeless, or depressed). The researchers divided the children into a younger group (4 to 12 years old) and an older group (13 to 17 years old) to see if the children’s age had any effect.

Main findings

Scientists discovered the following facts:

1. Gratitude from children (both older and younger) is associated with less parenting stressThis seems to be particularly true of gratitude on the part of older children.

2. Gratitude from partners and older children is associated with lower levels of psychological stress. This means that gratitude from family members is associated with a lower likelihood of feeling anxious, hopeless, or depressed.

3. Gratitude from a romantic partner or spouse is associated with better relationship quality, but not with less parenting stress. This confirms previous research and extends it to relationships in the context of parenting.

4. Mothers feel less appreciated than fathersMothers reported lower levels of gratitude from their partners and older children.

5. Gratitude may be more important for mothers than for fathers. Gratitude had a greater positive effect on mothers than on fathers.

General translation

The bottom line is that it really does matter whether you, as a parent, hear “thank you.” Feeling that your children and partner are grateful for all the work you do is associated with improved relationship quality, reduced parenting stress, and reduced risk of psychological distress. There seem to be unique benefits to feeling gratitude from your partner compared to your children, so it may be important to receive gratitude from both parties. When it comes to gratitude from your children, it seems to be more meaningful when it comes from older, teenage children. This may be because older children are more able to express gratitude in a more genuine and specific way than younger children. Finally, gratitude may be harder to come by and more meaningful to mothers than to fathers. Studies show that mothers take on about twice as many household chores on average as fathers, so it makes sense that they would expect gratitude more and appreciate it more when they receive it.

Of course, there are limitations to this study that make further research necessary. This was a relatively small correlational study (meaning we don’t know whether gratitude actually causes positive outcomes or is simply associated with them). It also relied on self-reports of gratitude, and future research should examine whether felt gratitude actually reflects expressed gratitude.

You’re probably thinking, “Okay, that’s nice, but how do I get my child or partner to actually express their gratitude!?” Of course you can send them this study But If this seems too passive-aggressive for you, here are some additional ways to promote gratitude in your family:

1. Help your children notice what others do for them. Children often don’t realize all the work that goes into making sure their lives run smoothly. Start pointing out things that others do for your children whenever possible. For example, explain to them what their teacher might need to do before they get to school in the morning, remind them that someone will need to clear the table after you leave a restaurant, or involve them in everything that goes into preparing a meal for them, from planning to grocery shopping to cooking to cleaning up.

2. Remind your child to thank the other parent. If you have a parenting partner, encourage your child to show gratitude. You don’t have to “force” them to say “thank you,” but you can simply remind them of the effort the other parent is making. For example, “It was really nice of Daddy to take you to the playground this morning. He knows how much you love the playground and wanted to do something special for you.” If you’re a single parent, talk to a friend about how you can do this for each other.

3. Exemplary gratitude. Express gratitude often and sincerely to your children, your partner, and other people in your life. You can thank them for what they do for you, but also for anything they do for others or that has a positive impact, such as thanking your child for being nice to their siblings.

4. Tell your partner and children how much it means to you when they express gratitude. Don’t feel bad about asking for more gratitude! You can also explain how to express gratitude in the way that’s most meaningful to you (for example, would you prefer a simple “thank you” or would you prefer them to be more specific?). When they express gratitude, make sure to tell them how happy or proud you are and that it means a lot to you.

5. Make a resolution with your spouse to regularly acknowledge each other’s efforts and express gratitude. It’s easy to forget to thank your parenting partner, but this research really highlights how important it is. Try to make thanking each other and expressing gratitude a more daily habit.

6. Teach your children gratitude. Teach your children how others feel when they express gratitude, and show them different ways to express gratitude beyond a simple thank you (for example, saying “I am so grateful” or “That means a lot to me” or even writing a letter).