What Exactly to Do When He Says, “I Need Space” | Mitzi Bockmann

When women say, “I need space,” it can be one of the most confusing moments in a relationship for men. They often have no idea what to do next. Do they really want physical space, or metaphorical space? Worse, many fear it’s a test… and that they’ll fail.

Yes, “space” can be a euphemism for “I want to break up with you.” But for many women, things are much more complicated than that. Usually, when a woman asks for space, what she really means is that she feels the need to step back and take some time to evaluate what’s going on. And that’s OK! It means she’s listening to her instincts and only wants to continue when things feel right.

Here’s Exactly What To Do When He Says, “I Need Space”

1. Ask her why she needs space

As with anything else, the best way to determine what your next steps might be is to understand “why” someone needs something.

Think about it when you’re at work. If your boss asked you to take on a complicated project without telling you why, would you get stuck? After all, understanding the purpose of the project is key to its successful completion. So you ask your boss, everything becomes clear, and you can figure out the next steps.

So before you do anything, ask her why she needs space. If she says, “I just need it,” explain to her that you want to make sure you give her what she needs, and understanding will help you do that!

2. Ask specifically what he means

The next thing to do is ask her what she means when she says she needs space. Does that mean she wants you to disappear and leave her alone?

Does that mean she wants you around but to give her time to think about what she’s dealing with before she talks to you about it? Does that mean she wants you around so that when she’s ready, you’ll be there for her?

Women’s need for space can be a problem because if you don’t give them the space they need in the way they want it, you can get in trouble.

3. Don’t try to talk her out of it.

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I have a client whose girlfriend found out he was cheating on her, and understandably she is not happy.

While she talks to him again, she keeps telling him she needs space to get through this. To find herself again. To become strong and move forward.

She doesn’t want to hear this. She wants to fix everything immediately (as men often do). She doesn’t want to live in limbo.

I can promise you that if you try to talk her out of it, you’ll only make things worse. She’ll think you’re not respecting what she’s asking for, and that’ll only get you in more trouble!

4. Do what he asks

This same client doesn’t do what his girlfriend has asked him to do. Even though she’s asked him multiple times to give her some space to think things through, he keeps reaching out to her, asking her to do something, trying to make the whole situation go away.

As a result, she becomes increasingly nervous. On the one hand, she likes that he is so contrite and chasing her, and it is adorable. On the other hand, she cannot think clearly and worries that acting quickly is the wrong thing to do.

Unfortunately, because he doesn’t give her space, she has gotten into the habit of interacting with him, sometimes even reaching out to him. But they don’t get anywhere.

He’s still pleading, and she’s still confused, and they’re not moving forward in any way. They’re trapped in this particular limbo that he wants to get out of, as suggested by the exploration of the development of felt constraint in romantic relationships.

5. Remind her you’ll be there to talk

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Once you understand what your wife or girlfriend needs from you, you need to assure her that you will always be there for her as she goes through this process. You may be out of sight, but she will never be out of your mind.

Why would you do that? The risk-regulation model of relationships says that this is because people like the certainty that if they take some time, the other person won’t disappear. They can feel confident that their man respects their wishes, and they can feel safe that taking that time won’t destroy their relationship.

Of course, if this space isn’t working for you, you need to explain that to her too. She needs to know that this step in your relationship isn’t OK, so she understands and can find something that works for both of you!

6. Don’t go too far

When you give your girlfriend or wife some space, make sure you don’t stray too far. Don’t take a long trip or be unavailable when she needs you. Don’t make yourself so busy that you can’t be there when she calls.

Research on conflict resolution and special needs suggests that just as you reassure her that you’ll be there emotionally when she’s ready, make sure you’re there when she’s ready to talk.

I know the need to escape and move on from this period is intense, and running away always seems like a good idea, but I don’t. Stay, wait out the discomfort, and be there when she’s ready to talk!

7. Don’t see other people

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I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen this TV show Friendsbut in it, when super couple Ross and Rachel decide to take a break, he starts dating other women. When Rachel wants to talk about getting back together, everything hilariously derails when she discovers Ross is dating other women, as detailed in Gender Stereotypes in the Sitcom “Friends”.

I know the tendency to date if your date wants space is strong. You probably feel lonely and may want to make sure you are not alone if your date decides they want space to be permanent.

But I cannot emphasize enough that if you want to have any hope for this relationship, how important it is that you remain patient until your person is given the space they need.

They didn’t break up with you, they’re just trying to sort something out!

Knowing what to do when your partner asks for space can be confusing. Especially for men, the urge to fix things in the moment is instinctive. Being patient is hard. But sometimes things just can’t be fixed right away.

So if he asks for space, do what I suggest above. Doing this will be the best insurance that no matter how things go, it will be OK!

Mitzi Bockmann is a certified life coach and mental health advocate based in New York City who works exclusively with women to help them be who they want to be. Mitzi’s articles have appeared on MSN, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.