Mom Explains the Whining Paradox Too Many Wives Struggle With in Their Marriages

Often wives and mothers lack support and help from their husbands.

It’s an age-old tale, but mom and educator Laura Danger has acknowledged there’s a name for this universal experience women struggle with, and she’s offered support and advice to any woman who may find herself in a similar situation.

She explained the “nagging paradox” that too many wives struggle with in their relationships.

“The whining paradox is when one person delegates, manages, makes decisions and sets standards. Then someone else is the supporting partner,” Danger noted, defining the common dynamic between wives and their husbands. “They’re being told what to do, they’re being directed and they’re being managed in the home. It’s a common situation.”

Danger explained that this dynamic prevails in her own relationship and household.

In most cases, women have to instruct their husbands on their responsibilities and “let them know” how they can show up for their wife, rather than simply taking the initiative. However, Danger admitted that this is always a trap.

When one person is making decisions in the household and is asking for help, that is an offer of connection. Danger noted that rejecting or skipping one of these offers is not good.

According to a Pew Research Center study, nearly half of women in opposite-sex marriages earn as much or more than their husbands. But even women who earn more than their husbands take on more unpaid work, such as childcare and housework.

Women continue to spend more time on unpaid responsibilities and care, while their spouses can devote more time to leisure and paid work.

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“If you feel like you’re being rejected over and over again, you’re going to stop asking. There’s going to be emotional distance, there’s going to be a bad relationship,” Danger continued, adding that there’s something relationship experts Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman have called the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

“These are four behaviors; if they are present in a relationship, they predict its end. Two of them are criticism and defensiveness, which are part of the whining paradox,” she added.

Danger encouraged couples to communicate and work together to combat the “whining paradox.”

She emphasized that in the whining paradox, one person is in charge, delegating, telling their spouse what to do, and repeatedly giving feedback if something isn’t done at all or isn’t done correctly, while the other person is constantly receiving criticism about what they should be doing.

“If you’re constantly getting feedback or even just corrections on things you need to do better, you feel bad and you can start to feel like you as a person, your character, your quality as an individual is being questioned. You become patronizing. You become defensive.”

Danger admitted that such an arrangement is not good for either party in the marriage, because after a while, they no longer want to be honest with each other, fearing criticism and defensive reactions.

Therefore, married couples need to communicate with each other and jointly cope with the unequal division of responsibilities, childcare and general household responsibilities, if any.

Women should not hold their tongues out of fear of their husbands’ reaction, and husbands should be open and willing to talk about such issues and actually change without having to force them to do so.

Working from home is an extremely important aspect of any marriage because it can be the cause of the breakdown of a relationship or marriage.

Nia Tipton is a Chicago-based entertainment, news, and lifestyle writer whose writing focuses on contemporary issues and experiences.