DEAR JANE: My husband has a severe mental disorder… and it’s ruining MY life. Is it wrong if I divorce him?

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have known each out for four decades and have been happily married for 35 years – but now I can’t stand to be near him.

You see, throughout our marriage, my husband and I were extremely career-oriented. I worked in marketing and he was in the banking industry.

Despite having two children, we both worked long hours, often stayed late at the office and even devoted some weekends to our jobs.

Now, we’re both retired empty-nesters – and our marriage is crumbling.

We failed to develop any hobbies or interests. And as a working-couple, our friend groups revolved around our professional lives. Now many of our neighbors are strangers.

Suddenly, we find ourselves spending hours and hours together, so I’m pushing us to go out to meet new people.

But ALL my husband ever does is talk about himself. I’m convinced that he’s a hopeless narcissist – maybe even clinical.

I stare at the faces of the people we meet – and they’re horrified. He’s absolutely convinced that his life is so much more interesting than everyone else’s. It’s humiliating.

He is having a hard time letting go of his successful career – and constantly brings up, to me and others, how amazing he was at his job and the phenomenal impact he had in his company.

I’m starting to get revolted by him. He’s ruining my retirement.

The other day I began to research the symptoms of being a narcissist and I am convinced that he is one.

We built such an amazing life together, but I don’t know if I can continue to be married to someone like this.

Jane, please can you give me some advice on what to do?

From,

Mrs. Narcissist

Dear Mrs. Narcissist,

You’re at a stage of life that often sees people splitting up for many of the reasons you list.

After children are grown and flown, husbands and wives often realize they have nothing in common anymore.

It sounds like the two of you have become ships that pass in the night.

Obviously, not all of difficult husbands are narcissists, but many of the divorced ladies I know tend to describe their exes as such.

And I understand how tiresome it is to hear someone constantly talking about how impressive they are, while showing no interest in anyone else.

Sadly, it seems nothing is holding your marriage together, other than duty.

As to your kids, whilst divorce is always hard on families, most adult children know who their parents are and understand the dynamics of their marriage.

Whether your husband is a clinical narcissist or not is almost irrelevant here.

There is no real treatment for the condition – and he would have to acknowledge his disorder and want to seek help.

But, as this is part of your concern, consider advice from Mark Ettensohn, a psychotherapist: ‘Sometimes you need to make a determination whether or not the relationship is likely to improve.’

I think that it’s important to ask yourself whether or not you can look past your husband’s traits, and if not… it could be time to move on.

Life is short, and we have no idea how long we have left. Each of us, your husband included, deserve a shot at happiness.

If two people are miserable together, a fair solution to all involved would be to talk about your mutual incompatibility and discuss ways of going forward.

There is no one size fits all solution to marital problems. However, I will say that it is far better to look at other options now, before your resentment turns into hatred and you find yourself caught up in a bitter, acrimonious divorce.

Dear Jane,

I’ve been faced with a major dilemma this week as my son received some shocking news.

He is a 26-year-old who works at a major tech company. He scored the job in the middle of the pandemic when he was fresh out of college and lived at home.

For the past four years, he has been working remotely and using our basement as an office.

It’s worked really well for him.

The problem is, the company has now demanded that all of their employees return to the office – five days a week!

My son has gotten used to working from home. He logs in for the work day five minutes after waking up, and wears his pajamas all day.

I fear he’s getting extremely lazy. He used to be very into his fitness and was always extremely social, but nowadays he barely leaves the house and is gaining weight.

He has never even met his colleagues and often after he’s done with work he just stays in the basement and plays video games.

Not only am I worried about his social skills and his motivation, I’m also sick of having him around the house, to be honest.

I still do his laundry, clean his room and cook for him. He never buys his own groceries or toiletries and doesn’t contribute any money to household costs or bills – despite making a six-figure-salary.

Since graduating college, he has completely regressed to childhood and I don’t even think he’s capable of taking care of himself. He probably couldn’t even make himself a sandwich at this point.

Now he wants to quit this amazing job and find another remote role at a different company, and I’m convinced that if he does this he will ruin his life (and mine.)

What do I do? How can I convince him to stick with this career and commit to the in-office lifestyle?

From,

Work from HELL

Dear Work from Hell,

Oh mama, I want you to hear me loud and clear: You do not have to do his laundry, clean, or cook for him! You do not have to buy his toiletries!

As much as you are blaming your son, you are enabling him to live a life of luxury.

A life which leaves you scurrying around and treating him like a little prince.

Of course he’s not going to go into the office for work. Why would he? He’s got his cake and is eating it in front of his video games.

As a 26-year-old working at a major tech company with a six figure salary, he is plenty old enough to stand on his own two feet. However, he’s never going to rise to the occasion if you’re allowing him to do whatever he wants.

It’s time for him to leave home. No more basement office, no more laundry, no more buying him stuff.

Give him two months notice to leave the house and stick to it. By all means help him find an apartment to lease, but he needs to get out for his own good.

You are doing him no favors whatsoever by treating him like a baby. You’re the one who created this situation. I’m afraid you now have to change it by turfing him out.

I know it may feel like a hard thing for you to do, but I promise you that forcing him to live an independent life is the greatest act of love.