The Art of Enjoying People Through Positive Emotional Presence

Two elevators opened and I stepped inside, fighting the urge to curl up on the ground and take a nap. It was just another day as a freshman, prone to the occasional party and impulsiveness, but occasionally turning in a decent last-minute paper.

I headed for the fourth floor, but on the second floor the door opened and Professor Kaplan walked in. He was a fat, friendly-faced man wearing a gray coat, jeans, and glasses—the unofficial uniform of a professor in those days. I had heard of him. He was one of the best professors in the country, a former Harvard professor who had been lured to our school by a huge salary package.

As the door closed, I turned around and said, “Hello, Professor! I think I’ll be attending your lecture today.” Holding a stack of notebooks, he turned around, smiled, and said, “My condolences.” Then he gave one of the best lectures I’ve ever attended. Which made his humility in the elevator that much more memorable and endearing.

Despite his respected career and gigawatt brain, he was never seen as patronizing and made students feel welcome and open to asking questions. At the end of the spring semester, he was named teacher of the year. Kaplan was like many people you meet in life who light up a room and are immediately liked.

Scientists can measure components of your personality without examining you directly. They measure you by the effect you have on others, also known as the emotional signature you leave behind. Those who make other people feel warm and welcome are described as having a “positive affective presence,” which is exactly what Dr. Kaplan had in mind. But how do you achieve it? Is it innate? Can it be developed?

“Please don’t invite him.”

One way to understand positive affective presence is to examine its antithesis. I saw an example in my 20s, when I was throwing big parties and was still very sociable.

Before one party, a friend insisted that we not invite this guy Gerard because he always became an angry volcano after a few beers. We called him Mount Gerardino. But it wasn’t cute anymore. He started spiraling, screaming and trying to fight people. He was the opposite of a positive affective personality and instinctively demonstrated a concept called emotional contagion, where your mood and feelings spread to other people.

Even dogs show it when they are sad after seeing their owner upset or they immediately light up when their owner jumps with excitement. To develop your presence, always, always remember that your mood and emotions radiate outward. They stick to others. Having a vibe is really something.

Like Dr. Kaplan, self-deprecating humor, done lightly and in a positive way, is powerfully charismatic and helpful in making an impression. It appeals to people’s insecurities.

Use open and natural body language that shows you don’t feel threatened by someone. My former CEO, who was very personable and down to earth, was a master at this.

He was relaxed and attentive during conversations, and you felt like the only person in the room, not eight steps down. Pretend you’re talking to family you haven’t seen in years and are eager to see again. Always catch up.

The Inner Nature of Man

As a social species, we invest enormous amounts of thought and energy into being valued and accepted—which is intentional and is called the “social instinct.” Everything from our careers to our purchasing behavior to the things we say and the emotions we feel (embarrassment, anger, love) is heavily influenced by our desire for group acceptance.

Once you understand this and start taking action to help the other person feel liked and accepted, you will notice how quickly the dynamic between you improves.

To me, this approach feels more authentic. I generally like most people—even if my face or mood doesn’t show it. Manifesting and expressing this curiosity and concern for people makes life more coherent and socializing more enjoyable.

While writing this article, I took a break to attend a social event with my partner. It was one of her work events, and I was thinking about a social gathering, so I did an experiment. At the party, I checked the room periodically and was completely fascinated by the presence of people at the show. Some were withdrawn or restless. Others were waving and smiling as they chatted.

There were several people around them listening and having a great time. It seemed like you could take the words away from these people, and their energy alone still amazed people.

The challenge with this approach

People live in a stable but fluid emotional state that is prone to mood swings from day to day. People with a strong affective presence are great at navigating these mood swings rather than embedding them in their mood. Which is my weakness.

Routinely, I’ll have a good day and some negative memory that no one else remembers will come to the surface. I’ll get lost in it and ruin my mood. I have to snap out of it or risk becoming a wet blanket.

Dr. Hillary Elfenbein of the University of Pennsylvania said the key questions are: “Can you regulate yourself so that these disruptions don’t infect other people?” and “Can you drown out the noise in your life so that other people aren’t affected by it?”

One strategy is to turn away from negative thoughts and think of three things you are grateful for. Or, focus on your surroundings and be present in the moment. Listen to the sound of cars passing by or the feel of the wind. Engage your other senses instead of letting your brain’s shadows get the better of you. This is especially effective if you’re in a car driving to a party.

As a quick warning, this shouldn’t lead to every issue festering and simmering. My friend Cain went through a breakup with a girl he had only been seeing for a month. He had high hopes for their relationship and seemed pretty depressed.

When I asked how he was feeling, he said, “Okay. I’m taking three days to grieve. Then I’ll move on.” It was a great exercise in emotional intelligence, not suppressing his emotions but instead allowing that energy to flow through him. It’s no coincidence that Cain is also one of the most charismatic, caring, and likable people I know.

The most important things to remember

Having a positive affective presence is not about being popular. It is about allowing your emotions to make other people feel good. Being liked is a secondary effect of being more selfless.

Show your more positive self in social settings. Resist the temptation to criticize or dismiss other perspectives. Use your body language. Be curious and remember that your mood and emotions are highly contagious, even with strangers. We are a social species and most people simply want to be accepted and understood. Avoid dominating or outdoing others in conversation, and instead have fun and self-deprecate in a casual way.

As my mentor once told me, “Master the art of enjoying people.”