Is Your Marriage Heading for Divorce? TRACEY COX Reveals Four Signs Your Flame Is Fading – and How to Fix It Before It’s Too Late

Every marriage has ups and downs and survives them.

It is known, however, that certain behaviors can lead to an exceptionally stormy divorce.

Here are four warning signs that may mean a split is inevitable.

And it won’t be pleasant.

YOU TREAT EACH OTHER WITH CONTEMPT

“Whatever is wrong, I blame myself for it – even if it may have nothing to do with me, like the weather.

“He has no respect for me and it shows when we are together: he considers himself superior in every way.

“My kids hate the way he treats me, and that will probably make me leave.”

Have you ever witnessed anything similar?

If being around someone makes you feel uncomfortable, imagine what it would be like to live in that state every day.

Healthy relationships are based on teamwork: you support each other, you respect each other’s opinions (even if they differ from yours), you listen honestly and support each other.

Relationships based on contempt do the exact opposite: you both want to score points, you go straight to the point when weakness is exposed, and you revel in making your partner a laughing stock.

If contempt and put-downs are a regular part of your interactions, you are heading towards a serious conflict that will make the divorce process even more bitter and competitive.

Is that you?

• Do friends and family comment on your arguments and disagreements?
• Does either of you make fun of the other? Do you roll your eyes at (or in front of) them if they say or do something you don’t like?
• Do any of you put each other down at every opportunity? Do you treat each other sarcastically when you dare to express an opinion?
• If you looked at yourself in the mirror during a typical conversation, what would your faces look like? Is the contempt or open hostility obvious to all?

To go

If you are a critical person, replace negative comments with constructive criticism.

“I feel overwhelmed by all that needs to be done,” instead of “You’re so lazy. Why do I have to do everything here?”

Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “I feel hurt when we don’t spend enough time together,” not “You never put me first.”

Are you on the receiving end? Let your partner know that they are hurting you and the relationship by behaving this way.

If that falls on deaf ears, couples therapy is the only solution. If they won’t go with you, you’ll still benefit from going alone.

YOU DON’T OR CAN’T TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE IMPORTANT

“I always thought we had a great marriage until I had a falling out with my wife’s sister. She adores her and refuses to even listen to my side. We’re at a frozen, uncomfortable impasse and I don’t see a way out.”

While constant arguing is an obvious sign that things are not going well, poor communication is more insidious.

Couples often don’t realize there’s a problem until it happens—and they have no idea how to solve it.

Anyone who has ever read or heard about how to build a healthy relationship knows that the ability to talk about different issues is the foundation of long-term happiness.

Most people think, “Yes, I know that,” and that’s it.

But the reason people like me keep harping on about this is because not being able to discuss sensitive topics will be the death of you. And not just death, but the path to a nasty divorce.

Is that you?

• Can you talk about important topics without causing a huge argument, without either of you leaving, or without each other getting offended for hours or days?
• Does either of you avoid talking about an issue if you disagree with it?
• At the end of a discussion on an important topic, do you feel like you’ve accomplished something? Or do you both end up talking about the same things, never meeting halfway?
• Do you avoid difficult conversations altogether, hoping that big issues will go away if you ignore them?

Summary:

We are not born with good communication skills, we learn them.

There is a ton of information online about how to communicate better with your partner. If you need more help, a good couples therapist can transform your relationship.

YOU HAVE MONEY SECRETS

“My husband spent like a billionaire on credit cards that exceeded his limit. Not only did he spend all our savings, he also cost us our house.

“Our children had to change schools and lost friends: it was very selfish and broke us.

“Everyone talks about physical cheating, but financial cheating is just as bad.”

Money is one of the main causes of tension in long-term relationships. The problems don’t come from how much or how little you have, but how each of you spends it.

Our spending style is shaped when we are quite young, often as a reaction to what our parents did or did not do.

If couples disagree about how to manage money, it may reflect deeper issues around values ​​and priorities.

The most common issue is spendthrift versus thrift. If the more thrifty person makes most of the money, resentment quickly builds.

If the person spending the money has debt problems and ignores them, the risk factor for the relationship increases threefold.

But if you really want to destabilize everything, lie about your debts to your spouse.

Not admitting to unpaid credit card bills with huge balances, loans taken out to pay other payments, the fact that you secretly emptied your child’s college fund, the fact that you booked an expensive vacation when you were struggling to pay the heating bill… these are the things that destroy the strongest marriages in the most bitter, unforgivable ways.

Is that you?

• Do you have drastically different spending styles and does this cause tension?
• Have you both been transparent about the amount of your debts, including loans and credit card balances?
• Do either of you hide secret expenses – or secret bank accounts? Do you lie about the cost of things you buy or hide purchases from your partner?
• Does one person control a joint bank account?
• Do either of you take out a loan or credit card without consulting the other person?

Summary:

If one or both partners engage in financial manipulation, it can lead to aggressive legal battles over property, alimony, and debt division during divorce proceedings

Don’t beat around the bush if arguments about money are a common occurrence. Go straight to a financial advisor who can advise on how to manage debt – and a couples therapist who can help you understand each other’s attitudes about money.

ONE OF YOU HAS BEEN CHEATED (OR IS STILL CHEATING)

“I discovered a historical affair: my wife had a six-month affair with her ex-husband after we were married but before we had children.

“Our children are married themselves, but I couldn’t look at her when I found out. I hated her for making me live a lie for the last 25 years.”

Finding out about an affair or a one-time fling that meant nothing is often a major breach of trust that can make an already strained marriage irreversible.

Betrayal destroys the “you and me against the world” bond that holds relationships together during difficult times.

The emotional toll of a deep betrayal can lead to an extremely ugly divorce. Anger, hurt, and revenge turn the most reasonable person into a tyrant, preventing mediation and compromise.

Physical infidelity exacerbates disputes over child custody, finances, and settlement, making divorce more drawn out and contentious.

Is that you?

• The answer to this question is clear: yes or no.

Summary:

Even nice people have affairs, says leading expert on infidelity Esther Perel.

This doesn’t mean that the relationship is doomed to break up if one of you cheats, but it certainly puts the marriage in a state of crisis.

Some couples decide to rebuild, but it is not an easy path for either party.

• Tracey’s two product ranges, Supersex and Edge, are available from lovehoney.co.uk. Listen to her weekly podcast SexTok every Wednesday.