9 signs someone is mad at you but is trying to hide it

No matter how much we care about someone, we are bound to come into conflict with that person at some point. An argument may start over something small, like not washing the dishes or forgetting to buy milk, but then escalate into something bigger.

This is often a sign of unresolved issues lying beneath the surface. After all, it’s just milk. However, even minor arguments can trigger emotions in people. There are usually subtle signs that someone is angry with you but is trying to hide it.

Being annoyed sometimes is part of relationships with other people, whether they are friendships or romantic partnerships. While irritation is both common and normal, it’s how you approach the feeling that makes the difference.

Here are 9 signs that someone is mad at you but is trying to hide it

1. They say, “Don’t worry about it”

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If you’re in an argument with someone you love and they suddenly say, “Don’t worry about it,” it means they’re annoyed but don’t want to tell you directly. The feelings they express do not match what they really feel. They tell you not to worry about the problem at hand, but what they really want you to do is worry about it.

People say this phrase when they have strong emotions that they don’t know how to deal with. It is often a reaction to feeling ignored or disrespected. While these emotions are important, not saying them out loud puts the other person in a difficult position, as if they are reading your mind and reacting to something you are not actually telling them.

We can’t help someone who doesn’t ask for help, so saying “Don’t worry about it” can further increase the emotional distance between two people.

2. They give you the silent treatment

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Another sign that someone is annoyed but trying to hide it is silence. It’s one thing to say you need space to calm down or work through your feelings, but it’s another thing entirely to shut down and intentionally stop talking.

Licensed professional counselor Gina Binder described the silent treatment as a pattern of behavior in which one person demands and the other withdraws. “When people exhibit this pattern, communication, intimacy and relationship satisfaction decline dramatically,” she explained.

Binder noted that it is not the silence itself that is the problem, but the way in which it is exercised. The silent treatment defends being silent because it is usually done with an aggressive attitude. People who practice silence may not speak, but they allow their actions to speak for them.

Binder shared the process of breaking this harmful pattern, starting with discussing fighting when you’re not in the fight. She advised people to talk openly about their needs when their emotions are activated and to negotiate tactics they can use that will be less harmful than ignoring the other person.

3. They have tense body language

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You can tell a lot about how a person feels by how they act.

When someone is relaxed and content, they reflect these feelings with their body. They may smile or have a neutral facial expression. They may hold their arms loosely at their sides and generally appear open to those around them.

But when someone is annoyed but tries to hide it, their frustration often leaks out without a word.

Tense body language indicates that someone is trying to hide how annoyed they really are. They may tighten your jaw or put on a forced smile on your face. They will likely avoid eye contact, cross their arms, and tense their shoulders.

Keeping your emotions inside or pretending they don’t exist is not a healthy way to deal with difficult feelings. Inevitably, these feelings come to the surface and explode.

Hiding your irritation won’t make you feel better. This makes you feel even more irritated, to the point where every little thing triggers anger.

Expressing your annoyance allows you to release feelings from your body. It helps create space for conversation and, ultimately, repair.

4. Their tone of voice is too polite

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Body language isn’t the only way people can reveal hidden feelings. The level of irritation can also be felt in the tone of voice. Sometimes that means speaking harshly or tersely, but other times it means being a little too polite.

Someone may try to mask their irritation by becoming sweet and upbeat. Their voice may seem warm and friendly at first glance, but it usually has a fragile, cold tone to it that they cannot fully hide.

It’s possible that people who veer into overly polite territory when faced with annoyance have not been taught how to deal with difficult emotions. Perhaps their parents told them to “be nice” when they were upset or scolded them for expressing anger. They may not even notice a change in the way they communicate.

Getting in touch with your true emotions may seem insurmountable, but with practice it becomes easier. Having a safe space to explore your feelings helps in the process of learning how to deal with more difficult emotions.

5. Their breathing is excessive

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The way a person is breathing can also indicate that they are irritated but are trying to hide it.

When we are calm, our breathing is calm and even. When we are nervous, our breathing patterns change. Our internal arousal manifests itself externally: we breathe faster, stronger and clearer.

Someone who is angry with you but tries to hide it may show it by sighing excessively and loudly. Their exaggerated sighs are a signal that something is bothering them, but they don’t want to come out and say it right away.

6. They change the subject

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Talking directly to your partner about relationship problems is a healthy approach to conflict resolution, but that doesn’t make it easy. Saying what you really feel can feel scary and destabilizing, which is why people avoid difficult conversations.

If you bring up a difficult topic and your partner changes the subject, it may be a sign that he or she is trying to hide how annoyed he or she is.

According to psychotherapist Joan E. Childs, there is one important aspect of conflict resolution called “presence.” Childs explained that presence is an act of mindfulness that involves “a willingness to be here and now, focused, attuned, and attentive to your partner with an open heart and mind. It involves active listening and patience.”

Effective communication doesn’t appear out of thin air. This is something that couples need to commit to and work on, while being aware that there will be bumps in the road. Finding a communication style that works for both people is often a process of trial and error, but the act of opening up to each other is a vulnerable and effective way to stay connected.

7. They downplay their feelings

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Some people suppress more difficult emotions as if to make them disappear completely.

They may tell you directly that they don’t want to talk about something, which is a clear sign that they are annoyed. However, they may also express irritation by engaging in conversation while downplaying what they really feel. Someone who is irritated but tries to hide it may say the following phrases: “I’m fine,” “It doesn’t matter,” “I don’t care,” or “I said it’s fine.”

Annoyance is an unpleasant feeling that some people try to avoid completely. However, belittling your own feelings only serves to mask what’s really going on inside. In order to show up and offer emotional support, your partner must first recognize and share their true emotions.

8. They tell you they’re busy

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Another way someone can show they are angry with you is by literal avoidance.

When you ask your partner to sit down and talk, they will tell you that they are busy or that they don’t have time. They may leave the room when you enter or turn up the volume on the TV. They may start doing chores or responding to work emails just to avoid their feelings.

This form of avoidant communication is not limited to romantic relationships. It can also manifest itself in friendships and family relationships. Maybe your friend ignores your texts and then tells you how busy he has been. Maybe your mom says she can’t talk when you call home.

Avoiding problems makes them bigger, scarier, and harder to solve, especially when it comes to feelings of frustration or anger.

9. They distract from responsibility

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A person who is irritated but tries to hide it will usually attack in a different way. They may deny that they are annoyed while sending out negative energy or making harsh comments.

Denying responsibility is a sign that someone is annoyed. They may tell you to “figure it out yourself” when you ask a question or say, “It’s not my problem,” instead of offering a helpful answer. They may even outright blame you for what is wrong, for example telling you that the recurring problem is entirely your fault.

Someone who struggles to take responsibility for their feelings may not have learned the skills required to develop emotional intelligence. According to psychologist Nick Wignall, the unwillingness or inability to allow yourself to feel bad is a sign of low emotional intelligence.

Deviation is another sign of emotional literacy problems. This involves not allowing yourself to feel the full scope of your emotional experience. However, as Wignall explained, big feelings may seem bad, but that doesn’t mean they are bad.

Showing yourself kindness and compassion is a key part of accepting what you feel. Accurately recognizing irritation or any other emotion helps us realize that no feeling is permanent.

Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango’s news and entertainment team. He deals with social issues, pop culture analysis and everything related to the entertainment industry.