Why I finally left the man I thought I would marry | Janet Ong Zimmerman

At the ripe old age of 30, I saw him working out at the gym. He was blond, 180 cm tall, handsome and in great shape. Our eyes met several times across the room, and instead of giving him an encouraging look, I looked away. I felt awkward and nervous, and my self-confidence wavered. .

He came over and I found out he had just moved to Kansas City. At that point, I had lived in Kansas City for almost 4 years and had dated guys, but hadn’t met any I was in love with. We hit it off immediately and started spending most of our time together. He was new to the area and didn’t know anyone, so we connected immediately. I truly felt like I was living in a dream.

Six months after we met, I got a promotion at work and moved to Southern California. My excitement at the thought of returning home and living close to family and friends was even greater when he decided to move with me. I was excited for him to meet my family and friends because I thought he would be the one I would marry. Little did I know that this one critical move would stress me out for years to come. Like most beginnings, everything was magical. When everything is magical, it’s easy to miss the subtle but critical things that matter.

Here’s why I finally left the man I thought I would marry:

1. Living with my parents, I’m stuck “in between.”

We lived with our parents while looking for our own place. One month turned into 6 months and during those months he was telling my parents to keep the noise down, saying it was bothering me while it was bothering him. Even though my parents cared about me, they never said anything bad about him. They even lent him a car so he didn’t have to buy his own.

Because misfortune befell him right after we moved in, he turned molehills into mountains. Little things irritated him and made him feel worse. He didn’t know anyone in Southern California and was dissatisfied with the people he met. He was sometimes rude to my friends on the phone, and his aversion to traffic limited where we went.

These unsettling feelings sat in my stomach because I was stuck between him, his unhappiness, and my parents. I either rejected these feelings or talked myself into being more understanding because I believed that love was inherently difficult and required sacrifices. He finally made the sacrifice by quitting his job and moving in with me.

The study of intimacy, communication and aggressive behavior in society Journal of personal relationships shows that not everything is perfect in the middle stages of most relationships. During this time, it is especially important to listen carefully to your intuition.

Valery Sidelnykov via Shutterstock

2. The situation got worse when we started living on our own

Six months later, when we moved, I believed that everything would return to the magical state it had been at the beginning. They never did this.

I wanted to look at us optimistically and believe that we would get married. There were moments of happiness interspersed with long periods of uncertainty, confusion and stress. These moments, optimism and fear of getting old and having to start over made me stay 4 years too long. I felt like I was the subject of a study on settling for less for fear of being single, published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

If I had been self-aware, confident and brave, our 5-year relationship would have lasted a year. Instead, I let so many things hold me down, beliefs that love is difficult and sacrificial, fears that I won’t find anyone else, overthinking, guilt, responsibility for my own happiness, etc.

Finally, the moment came when I just knew it was over. When I finally decided to break up with him, those unsettling feelings in the pit of my stomach dissipated and a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. The anxiety that filled me with sacrificing so much of myself allowed me to know myself.

When I knew it was over and decided to end it, I still felt anxious and very sad. Difference? I became more committed to loving myself by doing what was best and healthier for me. Most endings are painful, that’s why we call them an end. However, endings also lead to new and wonderful beginnings.

3. Through new beginnings, I found the courage to leave

A year after our relationship ended, he contacted me and apologized for the way he had behaved in our relationship. He said he wanted to marry me if I still wanted to get married. It was ironic that the words I most wanted to hear from him at the time turned out to be the words I no longer wanted to hear.

For years I was critical of myself for being in a 5-year relationship that shouldn’t have lasted that long. I had to remember to have self-compassion to counteract my self-blame, according to a study published in the Journal of Self and identity. I wondered why I couldn’t find the courage to break up sooner when the signs showed that it was time to leave.

Then I remembered this quote: “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow” – Mary Anne Radmacher. And so I finally got the courage to leave.

If you know you need to leave and it’s hard for you, be patient and compassionate with yourself. You came here because you were brave enough to stand up for love. But when you’ve had enough, you’ll know. When you find out, you will have the courage to leave. If you feel stuck in a relationship and you know you should leave, what is one thing you can start doing?

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Janet Ong Zimmerman is a dating and relationship coach, founder of Love for Successful Women, and creator of the Woo: 9 Juicy Ways to Arouse a Man’s Desire for Attention course. She helps successful women find the love they want.