According to psychology: 11 rare signs that your relationship is as perfect as it can be

Most of us have read enough and been through enough to know the signs to look out for that indicate a relationship has become toxic. We instinctively recognize a dating red flag when it appears when we first meet someone, and we consciously try to avoid codependency, which involves losing our identity to our partner.

But how do we know if our relationship is actually working? They say when you know, you know – but sometimes it’s nice to know you’re on the right track.

According to psychology, here are 11 rare signs that your relationship is as perfect as it can be:

1. You like doing things together

This may seem obvious, but if you’re in a relationship with someone, you should enjoy being together. You don’t have to like all the same things, but it is important to have common interests. Whether you’re watching sports, taking a walk, or just sitting next to each other and reading in silence, you really enjoy spending time together. One Boston University study shows how common interests can bring couples closer together.

2. You can relax with yourself

You don’t have to let it all hang out all the time, you’re never dressing up or trying to make a good impression, but you’re also not always on your best behavior, you’re constantly trying to look perfect and say the right things, all while wondering if your partner silently judging you. You are safe enough to be yourself and you know that your SO loves you just the way you are.

3. You know how to fight fair

Arguments are part of every healthy relationship; the key is the ability to fight. According to research by Dr. John Gottman, it all depends on how you approach the inevitable conflicts when they arise.

According to Gottman, the first three minutes of a fight are crucial because they set the tone for the rest of the discussion and ideally should be “soft starts,” meaning you don’t start an argument by attacking your partner.

An argument may seem depressing and terrible, but if you and your partner can argue constructively and as a result, both of you feel heard and loved, you are doing great. And wouldn’t it be sad if neither of you cared enough to ever fight for anything?

4. You both admit your mistake and apologize

Love means having to say “I’m sorry.” Part of being skilled at fighting is being able to admit when you’ve screwed up – and apologize for it.

After an argument, both partners should be willing to admit guilt and accept some responsibility for what happened. It shouldn’t always be the same person who apologizes. No one is always right and no one is right all the time. (Besides, most arguments aren’t about right or wrong anyway.) Couples who aren’t afraid to say, “I messed up and I’m sorry” after the dust settles, are doing something right.

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5. You have a level of intimacy where you both feel comfortable

Let’s admit it: if you don’t do it, it doesn’t work. And if it’s not good, why bother? Therapist and author A married couple hungry for sexMichele Weiner-Davis says that good intimacy “offers couples the opportunity to give and receive physical pleasure and build an emotional and spiritual connection.

It builds closeness, intimacy and a sense of partnership. It defines their relationship as unlike any other. In short, being intimate is a powerful bond that unites.

The definition of “party” will vary from couple to couple, but here’s something to keep in mind: therapists define an intimate marriage as one in which couples are intimate less than 10 times a year, or a little less than once a month.

6. You celebrate each other’s successes

Sure, you’re there for each other when things go wrong, but how do you react when things are going great for your partner? Experts say this is often more important in a relationship.

A professor of psychology at the University of California, Santa Barbara, Dr. Shelly Gable, conducted an experiment in which she asked couples to talk about negative and positive things that had happened to them recently, and then ranked their partner’s reaction on a scale from most destructive to most helpful.

Gable found that praise for positive things has the greatest impact on people, even more than sympathy for sad things. The worst reaction was passivity, no matter what people were reacting to. Being happy and enthusiastic about your partner’s success is a recipe for a healthy, happy relationship.

7. You laugh together

Have you ever fallen in love with someone who didn’t make you laugh? NO? There is a reason for this. Making each other feel better, joking with each other, and having fun together are all indicators that your relationship is working at full speed.

Plus, a sense of humor makes life so much more enjoyable, and sharing it with your partner is key. When the laughter in your relationship begins to die down, it’s a sure sign that the spark has faded. According to a 2015 study, couples who can laugh together have better relationships than those who don’t.

8. You can enjoy comfortable silence

When you can be quiet together and neither of you is seething with resentment or desperately wondering how to break the silence, it is a beautiful thing. You don’t have to talk all the time if you’re in a healthy relationship. You can let the conversation go on and on, work or read side by side comfortably, and not be afraid that something is wrong.

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9. You spend time apart and it doesn’t bother you

In a healthy relationship, both partners have their own interests and strong, independent friendships outside the relationship. You are not attached at the hip, you go everywhere together and act as each other’s friends. You don’t even have to live together.

Out of sight doesn’t necessarily mean we’re out of mind – at least not for long. On the contrary, a little absence can really make your heart skip a beat. One 2016 study shows how independence can bring you closer to your partner. Plus, when you meet again, you’ll have something to talk about (see point 11 below).

10. You don’t worry about the future

We’ve all had those relationships where we’re constantly trying to figure out where we stand and where the relationship is going. But in a healthy relationship, you don’t always wonder what will happen next.

This doesn’t mean you never think about the future, but you are content in the moment without worrying about whether you should break up with your partner or whether you are destined to be together forever.

11. You can still surprise each other

Relationships can become boring after a while if you don’t actively work on them; you’ve heard each other’s stories 37 times, you know what your SO likes to do on a Friday night after work, you can reliably drag yourself out of bed and still squeeze in a chapter of your book before going to bed.

But the best relationships still have an element of surprise, and that’s what keeps things interesting.

Psychologist and marriage counselor Esther Perel says that introducing new and unexpected elements into a relationship will not only fill it with passion, but also trigger the same rush of feelings that accompanied you when you fell in love, which is why the feeling of “in love” never completely goes away in the healthiest relationships.

Elizabeth Laura Nelson is a writer focusing on love, relationships, entertainment and news. She has been featured on Medium, SheSaid, ThinkCatalog, Elite Daily, and more.