According to experts: 6 signs you have a selfishly transactional husband

You buy coffee, replace old books with new ones, and exchange a poorly planned gift for something more useful. You make these trades regularly, but you probably don’t want to make trades for love, intimacy, emotional labor, and support. But perhaps you have felt like an automaton in your marriage.

According to experts, here are 6 signs that you have a transactional husband:

1. Maintains a scorecard

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A transactional husband constantly keeps track of results. if you make a personal purchase, he will make you make money by doing something for him, or he will use it as an excuse to buy something for himself.

He may view the work or favor he does for you as transactional: “I did it for you, so you owe me something.” At worst, transactional husbands may overspend, request services or social favors that they know will push your buttons, destroying the relationship, according to research from Illinois State University.

If you don’t comply, he will blame you for being unfair. A transactional husband sees himself in an imaginary competition with his wife and always has to win.

— Dr. Gloria Bramedoctor, therapist

2. Everything is a compromise

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A clear sign that you have a transactional husband is that he expects something in return for every gesture. If he fills up your tank, he’s already wondering where his breakfast in bed is. Is he buying you a bag? He is waiting for intimate time.

Research from Finder University helps us understand that instead of giving out of love, everything feels like a compromise where even the simplest acts of kindness are tied together.

— Erika JordanDating trainer, NLP practitioner

3. He places an unequal value in his scorecard column

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Keeping a list of things he does that you don’t do is definitely a sign. Research on partner value and relationship satisfaction published by Public Library Science One Journal supports the fact that he is paying more attention to these things, it is a sign that he is prioritizing his contribution and keeping track of his scorecard and yours.

4. You have an I-It relationship

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In a simple I-It relationship, you have two entities: a subject and an object. This relationship is not a true dialogue, but a monologue.

As a study published in the journal showed: It is a relationship based on sensations, usability and experience Limits in psychology. The object in question is not real as a separate self, but exists only to satisfy desires and needs. It’s a mental representation of reality, not something of value in the world.

Common examples of I-It relationships may include the various bonds you form with inanimate objects in your life. For example, you don’t have to treat your phone as animated. This is just a part of your environment that is supposed to provide you with material benefits.

That said, even the relationships we have with other people (who are not objects but subjects in themselves) follow an I-It dynamic. Of course, in such a relationship you can still conduct dialogue, but it is not a sincere dialogue.

There’s a difference between a conversation that’s genuine and bouncing between two different people, and a conversation that’s flat, transactional, and just has a purpose.

In the case of the I-It dynamic, there may still be emotions and feelings, but generally speaking, these manifestations are not a commitment to a relationship, but rather an expression of an attitude towards an object that has either satisfied or dissatisfied you.

— Zat RanaAuthor

5. You feel like an automaton

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Most of our interactions with others take place behind some kind of screen. Many of us seem to forget that members of other genders have their own feelings, needs and dreams! This leads to the belief that love is transactional in nature, as suggested by research comparing health selfishness and pathological altruism published by Limits in psychology.

People stopped treating people like people and started treating them like automatons. Many people believe that if you put time, kindness or date tokens in them, intimacy and love will fall out. If they don’t get the intimacy they want, they feel entitled to shake or kick the machine in the hope that intimacy will come out that way.

Instead of being a person, you are a transaction they don’t want to make. This is why the nice guy syndrome is so common. They feel entitled to intimacy and love just because they did X, Y and Z. That’s why ghosting is so common. Love is not transactional and unfortunately many people no longer remember this.

— Ossiana TepfenhartAuthor

6. Gives gifts instead of communicating about problems

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Flowers and chocolate are lovely and lovely. But if the only time we receive these gifts is an apology for doing something wrong, the relationship becomes transactional. Research published by Frontiers in Psychology shows the importance of apologizing and making amends in repairing a relationship. However, by giving her these things without addressing the problem, you close off any opportunity to address the real problem by talking about it.

— Dr. Erica Goodstonepsychotherapist and marriage counselor

A transactional relationship may begin this way or develop over time as a sign of stagnation in the marriage.

However, marriage is not a checking account where every act and obligation is tracked and balanced. A transactional relationship is not about equality and responsibility, it is about control and the fulfillment of self-centered desires and indicates a relationship in need of help.

Will Curtis is a creator, editor and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.