German vs. American parenting: differences according to an American mother

• Celia Robbins moved with her family to Berlin after her husband found a job in Germany.
• Robbins, 37, was surprised to see how independent Berlin’s children were.
• She said she learned to let go of her parental anxiety and give her children more independence.

This essay as told is based on a conversation with Celia Robbins, an American who moved to Berlin with her family. She works at the Embassy of the United States of America in Berlin. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

Living in the college town of Ithaca, New York, my family of six was used to seeing people leave. In October 2022, my husband finished his postdoc at Cornell University and landed his dream job at a research center in Rostock, Germany. It was finally our turn to have a new experience. We were excited.

It was an opportunity for us to live abroad with our four children: the eldest is now 15 years old, our twins 12 years old and the youngest 9 years old. Since none of them had started high school, we thought it was the perfect time to move.

Last year the children and I moved to Berlin so they could attend an international school. My husband is going to Rostock — a 2 hour train ride — a few days a week and returns every weekend.

Back in the United States, I raised my children in a helicopter, having great control over every aspect of their lives.

I was beholden to my children’s schedule in the United States

I spent about two hours each day in the car, driving my kids to school or a long list of extracurricular activities. My husband and I played with many balloons together, struggling to keep our schedules as the kids relied on us to take them everywhere.

But here in Berlin, children are expected to manage their own affairs and go where they belong.

I am no longer at the whim of their schedules, for the most part THANKS to Berlin’s public transport system – we don’t even own a car here.

If my kids want to do an extracurricular activity, they do it themselves. So, if one is ambitious and wants to choose five, it doesn’t matter, because it’s up to them. They are responsible for their own activities and let us know when they will attend their Model UN meeting. or group practice.

In the United States, I did consulting and course writing on the side. Today, I have much more freedom and have landed a full-time job at the American Embassy.

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I let my children be independent

Although I have always felt safe in our city of New York, in Berlin, my children feel safest when they go out alone.

A year ago, I would not have accepted my 9 year old child coming home alone. But seeing that it’s normal for other kids their age to fend for themselves showed me what kids are capable of. This fear has therefore been allayed.

There is a sense of community here to look after the children. Here, children are supposed to be a little more independent, so it’s not uncommon to see them alone.

The adaptation period was difficult

For our In the first few weeks, I was one of the few moms doing school pickup and drop-off. There was another American mom, and when she stopped, my children said to me: “Please stop, mom.” Once stopped, I felt a sense of peace; they would be fine.

In the United States, if my children left their musical instruments at home and took cello lessons, I would receive a phone call from the school secretary asking me to bring them. But the Berlin school said: “We won’t call you.” It’s your child’s responsibility.”

Although I was a little shocked, it taught me and my children that they are capable of more than we thought.

I am proud of my children who have become more independent

Sometimes I want a little more control. But I am very grateful for every child my children have become friends with.

Children are the best teachers for other children. My children watch out for their friends and learn to live a life where they are much more responsible for their choices and decisions.

Recently my son left his lunch at home. Before, I would have freaked out if I saw that his lunch box was still on the counter, thinking, “Oh my God, he didn’t eat today.” But later that day, he told me that after noticing he’d forgotten his lunch, a friend said, “Let’s go buy you a pretzel,” and they came up with a solution.

It was weird for me. I still want my kids to need me in a certain way, but our relationship has changed to the point where I have less mental load of remembering so much. Now they are expected to be responsible for things.

I learned to let go of my parental control and anxiety

Maybe my kids are getting older too. But now it’s become this relationship where they can provide a lot to me as a parent.

I have been sick and hospitalized recently. My husband texted our kids to ask if one of them could pick up milk on the way home and help run other errands. And they did.

It changed me as a parent because it took the pressure off me to always be “on.” In the past, I could never get sick leave.

I get asked all the time, “Are you homesick?” And while I miss my mother and being able to call a doctor for an antibiotic, I don’t miss being in the United States.

I have learned that home is wherever we are together and, for now, Berlin is our home.

Do you have a story about moving abroad that you want to share? Contact the reporter, Erin: [email protected].