My dating life was a disaster until I decided to practice Orthodox Judaism

To say my trip to meet my husband was a disaster is an understatement.

I grew up in a secular Jewish family in a small suburb of Philadelphia in the 1980s. From playing with Barbie and Ken to the Disney diet and romantic comedies, I grew up as a teenager and teenager in America. I had always dreamed of marrying a great guy, and yet I found that the environment I was in, in college and then in the metropolitan singles scene, made marriage seem impossibly far away.

There was a huge lack of respect for women there, and the guys I met seemed disingenuous and focused on the wrong things. I felt like they certainly didn’t care about getting to know me as a person, let alone wanting to get married. I started to think that maybe I would never find my Prince Charming and experience happiness.

I then spent two years in Paris earning my master’s degree and decided to see if the French dating scene was different. Pas vraiment – ​​probably not.

After leaving France, I came to New York, where I met Orthodox Jews for the first time in my life and was introduced to the Jewish way of dating.

I’ve found that rather than dating for fun and then realizing six months – or six years later – that you’re not a good match, Orthodox Jews first establish compatibility and only then begin to invest emotionally. They don’t watch “Netflix and chill”, rather they have deep, specific conversations to see if they are compatible.

I also learned that doing your research first allows you to select and only date people who are realistic candidates. In the Orthodox world, they make sure that a potential partner shares your values, goals and vision for the future and does not include any elements that disrupt the contract. This is usually done by exchanging “dating resumes” and calling references – both on and off the resume.

Most importantly, I learned that Orthodox Jews who date do not touch each other until marriage. By eliminating physical data, you can evaluate a date without your brain being clouded by oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” and dopamine, the “reward hormone.” A mentor explained to me: Would you ever buy a used car if you were drunk or high? No, because you’d get a lemon.

I remember it hit me like a ton of bricks. This way of dating is brilliant! How many broken hearts it would have saved me. I wanted to come in.

I finally adopted the Jewish way of dating. I also realized that if Judaism had so much wisdom in dating and relationships, perhaps it had wisdom in other areas as well. This led me to full Orthodoxy – adopting the rules of eating kosher, observing the Sabbath, and dressing modestly.

However, my dating adventure is not over. I was 26, living and working in New York, and dating endlessly. Unfortunately, I was so jaded, cynical, and discouraged at this point in my dating life that I was willing to settle for someone I wasn’t compatible with. I basically gave up.

People kept telling me I would never find what I was looking for, and I felt betrayed by my heart. This has led me astray many times. Maybe I really had to make a decision based solely on my head? I was set up on a “shidduch”, or arranged blind date. He was a nice guy. He would be a good father. I thought that would be enough. We got engaged after seven dates.

After a month of arguing, I finally realized that he had some of my breakup partners and I broke it off. I remember thinking, OK, that’s it, I’ll never get married. I was on the verge of despair.

Then, three months later, a nice man approached me at a synagogue during Shabbat services on Manhattan’s Upper West Side. We ended up on our first date later that evening and I realized that he was the synthesis of what I was looking for – the key attributes on my non-negotiable list, plus he was charming and fun to spend time with. I found my mensch. We got married. It was 25 years ago.

In 2012, I decided to become a dating coach to help other women avoid the mistakes I made – so they could navigate the dating process smarter and easier and find their husband with clarity and confidence.

Transforming my pain into purpose and passion, and helping women move from hopelessness to happiness, has been truly rewarding and has given meaning to my challenging journey.

Part of my job is to convey hope, optimism and confidence to the women I work with. Many clients come to me after years of failed relationships and it’s hard for them to imagine that the right person is out there. But as my mother always told me, it only takes one.

Now that I have helped over 300 clients marry their soul mates, my dream is to share these ideas with the world. As women, we must reclaim our feminine power and not settle for less than we deserve.

Wisdom is rarely achieved without struggle. Do I wish I didn’t have to go through all this pain before I met my husband? Surely. But the experiences I’ve been through have made me appreciate it even more, and it also allows me to now help others – which is incredibly rewarding.

Devorah Kigel is a successful dating and marriage coach who has helped nearly 300 women marry their soul mates, as well as a popular speaker to diverse audiences. Devorah’s first book, “Marry a Mensch: Timeless Jewish Wisdom for Today’s Single Woman,” will be published by Gefen in 2024.

All views expressed are those of the author.

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