Are you stuck in a toxic relationship?

Tara had a tortured love life. For 20 years she was married to a man who was a serial cheater who also humiliated her and sometimes even beat her. She finally left him when he decided to move his newest girlfriend, who was pregnant, into their house. Tara’s later boyfriend was disturbingly similar: a lying and cheating abuser who stalked and threatened her. She finally broke this unhappy pattern with Gary, a good man who is great to talk to, laughs a lot and who is the best lover of her life. And yet, he has reservations about the relationship.

“But he doesn’t automatically open the car door for me or light a cigarette for me,” she said. “He treats me as an equal. I’m an old-fashioned girl and I like to be treated like a princess – which is what my ex-husband and ex-boyfriend did.” That is, when they weren’t beating her and cheating on her.

Jayden’s wife experiences toxic jealousy. Since their wedding two years ago, she had insisted that he abandon his platonic friends and not go to the gym without her so that she could keep an eye on him and make sure he didn’t look at or talk to any woman. He also disregards his considerable achievements or altruistic dreams with utter contempt. “I’ve been thinking about divorce a lot lately,” he said. “But she is so wonderful. I have never been in a relationship with such a beautiful woman before.

Mark’s “but” is somewhat similar. His wife Sandra quit her job on a whim shortly after they were married 23 years ago and has been reluctant to work ever since, indulging in excessive shopping habits. The resulting financial strain caused Mark to work for several years after reaching official retirement age, despite serious health problems. Now that he’s retired, his wife bosses him around, yelling at him not to use the computer because the sound of the keys irritates her, and insisting that he not bring home books from the library because they’re gathering dust. He appears to be under marital house arrest and only sneaks out to see friends when she is out shopping. He says he is completely unhappy in the relationship, “but she keeps the house spotless and cooks me really good meals.”

What’s behind these “buts”? Why do people stay in such toxic relationships?

• The charm of the familiar. Some people consciously or unconsciously recreate family relationships in their love lives. Trish, the daughter of an alcoholic and a drug addict father, had two unhappy marriages to alcoholic drug addicts. “I think I told myself that even though I couldn’t save my father, I could save these two men. And of course I couldn’t,” she said. Tara also found something familiar in her marriage and first relationship after divorce. She grew up in a home where her parents’ arguments were interspersed with frosty silence, but her father was courteous, “acting like a perfect gentleman to my mother and me, opening the car door, pushing the chairs at the table, and lighting my mother’s cigarette lamp ” – she reported.
• Low self-esteem. Some people don’t feel like they deserve better and allow themselves to be bullied and exploited. Nobody deserves to be bullied. And the reflected glory of a great partner or someone in a prestigious profession cannot compensate for the pain of being treated terribly behind closed doors.
• Fear of loneliness. Many people find that the pain of being with an abusive partner is still better than the pain of being alone. However, many of those who live in abusive and unhappy relationships are the loneliest people of all.
• Financial constraints. Many people feel they cannot afford to leave. Perhaps a woman with young children lacks the education or work experience to support herself and her children. Perhaps long-married couples fear that if they divorce, they will lose the lifestyle they have worked so hard to achieve.
• Religious beliefs. Some people hesitate to leave because of their religious beliefs or cultural traditions. “My husband beat me and the children when he was drunk, which was often,” my client Joan told me recently. “But my religion forbids divorce. The pastor told me that it was God’s will for me to stay. I did so. And it harmed all of us.”
• Caring for children. Many couples stay together for the sake of their children. Sometimes this may make sense, but not when children are in a home full of conflicts and tensions that may have a more negative impact than you might think.

If you’re in a difficult relationship that’s starting to feel toxic, what can you do?

1. Consider the pros and cons of staying or leaving the country. Does ongoing conflict or poor communication seem fixable with professional help? Or have you reached a crisis point where you feel your life may be in danger? This doesn’t just mean that someone close to you is openly threatening your life. A friend I’ll call Dane once told me that the stress of his unhappy marriage was so great that he was sure he would have a heart attack if he stayed. He eventually left the relationship and according to their daughter: Both former partners are now in better health.
2. Get individual or couples counseling. By doing this, you may be able to make changes that will allow you to improve your relationship enough that staying in it is a viable option. If your partner is reluctant to go to therapy, seek individual counseling to explore your options and find more productive ways to deal with the relationship.
3. Consider the impact that changing your behavior could have on your relationship. Your power to change your partner is limited. But what if you changed the way you reacted to it? This can change the dynamics of the relationship. For example, Tara could talk to her current boyfriend Gary and let him know how much his chivalrous gestures mean to her (while also letting him know how much she enjoys their relationship). Jayden and Mark can find a way to break patterns of violence in their relationships by learning new habits of self-affirmation, setting boundaries, and breaking past patterns that can ultimately help their relationship or self-esteem. This may mean expressing anger rather than hiding it as simmering resentment, refusing to be bullied, and building supportive relationships with family and friends to reduce their feelings of isolation.
4. Consider the benefits of leaving, even if you are afraid of being alone or living a more modest lifestyle. Moving away can be scary, especially if you’re on a tight budget or if you’ve never lived on your own before. There are alternatives. You can stay with family or friends for a while, or find a roommate. You can look ahead to resources that may help you financially or gain new skills you need for employment. You may also want to consider the emotional costs of maintaining your current lifestyle while enduring the stress of an impossible relationship.

After leaving his wife and most of his assets – a house in an upscale neighborhood, a car and a portfolio of big stocks – Dan moved to a studio apartment in the city center where he lives. She walks to work and enjoys the peace of having her own apartment after years of turmoil. “I love my simple, little place where I don’t need a car,” he said. “Going to work and feeling happy, which allowed me to curb my compulsive overeating, was a blessing. I lost my high school weight. I am in much better health. I have a circle of loving friends. I value time spent alone. When I left, I lost my affluent lifestyle, but I truly found myself.”

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