Why serial monogamy is slowly replacing traditional marriage

Although studies have shown that 90 percent of us believe in “happily ever after,” the reality is that for many of us, marriage is simply not an option. It’s not that we’re not marriage material or that we’re against the idea of legally closing a relationship; it’s more that as a society we just don’t get married like the good old days.

According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a beloved former anthropologist on all things relationship and love, she has concluded that serial monogamy has its place. Marriage is just something your mother and grandmother did.

As Dr. Fisher reports, serial monogamy is the new norm, whether we like it or not.

Instead of one partner with whom we share our lives, we are destined to have a series of long-term relationships, albeit meaningful ones, that do not end in marriage.

Well, the divorce rate doesn’t exactly help. CDC statistics have shown that over 40 percent of first marriages end in divorce, and this rate increases dramatically with each subsequent marriage, reaching as high as a 70 percent divorce rate for third marriages.

However, these numbers pale in comparison to the number of cohabiting couples who see their relationship end every damn day. Maybe we have just abandoned the idea of eternal love, and yet we delude ourselves into believing in happily ever after. Not quite.

According to author and marriage expert Stephanie Cootz, relationships have changed more in the last 30 years alone than in the 3,000 years before. The reason for this huge change that has occurred in just the last three decades has to do with expectations.

As Cootz explains in his book: Marriage, a story: from obedience to intimacy or how love conquered marriage“Never before in history have societies considered such high expectations for marriage to be realistic or desirable. Although many Europeans and Americans found great joy in building their relationships around these values, the adoption of these unprecedented goals for marriage was unexpected and had revolutionary consequences that have since threatened the stability of the entire institution.”

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For the first time in history, the expectations we have of our partners and our relationships are higher than ever before.

Studies dating back generations showed that most women in their 20s would marry a man they didn’t love as long as he met their personal list of important criteria for a husband.

The same cannot be said for women in the same age bracket today. Instead, women today place the concept of a soulmate above all else. Finding “The One” is beautiful in theory, but as statistics show, it sets expectations too high. According to a YouGov poll, 60% of Americans believe in the idea of a soulmate.

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But before you put your foot down and throw your dream wedding folder into the trash, take a step back and realize a very important aspect of all this: wanting it all, the whole package isn’t bad.

It’s actually a great thing. When you have high expectations, you are less likely to settle down, and isn’t that worse than living in a society that evolves after marriage? Let me answer this question: yes.

It’s time for us to change the way we think about relationships and engagement – not just on an individual level, but as an entire culture. Going from marriage to serial monogamy with expectations that may be somewhat unrealistic is what it looks like and we have to accept it. But it also means accepting the lesser evil: living without marriage and settling down. Personally, I’ll take the former.

Amanda Chatel is an essayist, lifestyle and intimate health writer focusing on relationships, women’s reproductive rights and mental health. Her name has appeared in Harper’s Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Livingly, Mic, The Bolde, Huffington Post and others.