4 reasons you should never try to keep a cheater in check, says psychology | Susie and Otto Collins

You may have had difficulty maintaining a love relationship or marriage with a partner who is an incurable flirt or even a serial cheater. You’ve tried every way you know how to change them, but nothing has worked.

Here are 4 reasons why you should never try to keep a cheater in check, says psychology:

1. It won’t change the facts

Perhaps this will be a daily practice. No matter what happened in the past, constantly bring your attention back to what is true now. What are currently observable and verifiable facts about your partner’s behavior and your relationship in general? If necessary, write them down on paper.

Take an honest look at your relationship. If your partner continues to cheat on you, disrespect you, and break your trust, it may be time to ask yourself whether it’s wise to stay in the relationship, according to research by Colleen C. Malachowski at West Virginia University.

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2. Guilt and ultimatums are not effective

If you are committed to staying in your relationship and you feel it is in your best interest, establish communication with your partner. Article in Journal of family problems supports that you should invite them and ask for their cooperation to heal the trust.

Don’t do this with guilt or ultimatums, ask them to help you develop trust-based agreements that you both can keep. Some of these agreements may include greater transparency with you. Other agreements may address weak points in your relationship.

3. It prevents them from getting promoted

Look for ways in which you prevent them from being honest and open with you. Is your resentment and bitterness getting in your way? Do your expectations of “They can’t be trusted” come through loud and clear and send a message that they’re not worth trying? Help create an environment that encourages reconnection, as shown in this example: Gottman Institute.

4. It doesn’t allow them to make improvements

Show them appreciation when they show they are trying. Let them know you appreciate their efforts and celebrate the successes you both contribute to as your relationship returns to health and happiness.

Study with Journal of cognition and emotions explores how your job was to “keep them in line” and ask them the same set of questions every day to make sure they weren’t tempted by the attractive person in the office. You had to check their phone, email and social media to monitor who they were interacting with and intervene when another person got too close.

You had to be extremely vigilant because they showed you that they would not make good choices for your relationship. Even if your partner has never cheated, you’ve heard too many horror stories from friends who have experienced infidelity that have convinced you that they simply can’t be trusted.

Perhaps you grew up with the lesson that they can’t help themselves, and it’s up to you to keep their promise of faithfulness. Especially if your partner has had an affair, flirts with others, or stares at other people for too long, it seems like you have a valid reason to take on the task of keeping him or her in check.

We understand the painful uncertainty of being in a relationship with someone who has disappointed and hurt you by breaking your trust. We don’t want you to risk future heartbreak by denying what happened in the past or ignoring important signals you see now. But there is a serious downside that must be taken into account.

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When your job is to keep your partner in line,

You are sending the message that they are unable to make their own decisions.
They are “independent” and free from responsibility. (Why should they bother making changes if you’re always on top of them?)
You make yourself morally superior. (Which may not be true in all situations.)
You build even bigger walls between yourself and make them harder to tear down.
You prevent the healing of trust.

When you feel suspicious or are actively trying to repair the damage after a break in trust, distinguish between what you can and cannot do. You can’t force them to change and you can’t make certain choices for them.

You’re not helpless either. There are many ways you can heal your relationship so that you can become closer to each other and be happy again.

Susie and Otto Collins are certified transformation coaches who help you awaken love and possibility in your life.