A Harmful Three-Letter Word You Should Never Say During a Fight (If You Want to Stay Married) | Susie and Otto Collins

You can’t understand why your partner says you don’t respect him. You are amazed that your spouse says you are impossible to please.

None of what your partner says makes sense because you think you always love and support him. Even if you try to figure out how to use more effective communication skills, nothing will work because you don’t know where the root of the problem lies.

How can you save your marriage or fix what appears to be a broken relationship if you don’t even know what you’re doing wrong?

Before you dismiss what your special someone says, take some time to observe your words and habits, and reflect on the way you communicate.

The three-letter word you should never say in a fight is “but” and here’s why it’s so harmful:

1. It hinders effective communication

Unfortunately, it is widely used in casual and serious conversations. This word stands in the way of effective communication between you and your partner and, ultimately, your ability to have a long-term, healthy and happy relationship, as examined in a behavioral analysis of apology, forgiveness and conflict published in the journal Journal of Social Behavior and Problems.

Here are some examples of how “but” can creep into a conversation and ruin your best intentions:

“I love you, but I wish you were more romantic.”
“I respect you, but you tend to be greedy.”
“You’re beautiful, but you’ve gained a few pounds lately.”
“I want your opinion, but I decided to do….”

The “but” in any statement removes the compliment or appreciation that precedes it. “But” is almost always a word of exclusion and denial.

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2. Emphasizes disappointment or criticism

Many use the word “but” to express what we think, while also wanting to soften the severity. Despite this ordeal, the emphasis is on our disappointment or criticism.

Your partner sees this perfectly well. More often than not, he or she will hear anything that comes after “but” and will likely feel confused, hurt, and angry because of it. Research in Journal of social and personal relationships it suggests avoidance and defensiveness, which is why attempts to communicate better have so far been unsuccessful.

Fortunately, there is hope. You just have to watch your “buts”. Try this experiment for two or three days: Listen carefully to what you say to and about your partner.

When you hear yourself using the word “but” – or even thinking about it – pay attention to these three things:

How do you feel
What do you want to say?
How will your partner react when you say this

If you’ve noticed that you have a habit of including a lot of “buts” in your speech, you’re not alone.

With any harmful habit, you first need to notice what you are doing. This is a simple first step towards saving your marriage or solving relationship problems.

Then learn to say it in a new way. Get curious about what you want to say to your partner but don’t know how to express it effectively, as confirmed by a series of studies on apology content and gender published in the journal Journal of applied psychology. It may be something you’ve hinted at and hedged, or maybe it’s something you’ve already said but not tactfully.

Your “buts” can also creep in when you ask for something or share your opinion, and as a result, you won’t see much results or positive changes from your partner.

Sometimes promises or agreements are made but then ignored. No one wants to be a grump or a complainer, but it’s not that you’re doing something wrong or wrong by peppering your statement with “buts.”

The point is that “buts” rarely encourage your partner to continue talking or actively listening. In fact, “buts” derail your efforts to communicate effectively.

While it may seem unfair that you have to do something different when your partner is the one stubbornly sticking to his rules, if you want to see change, there will be times when you simply have to take the initiative. A study on communication in relationships in Limits in psychology He supports that this can be achieved by finding new, more productive ways of communicating.

Before you start talking to your partner about something you would like to change, experiment in your mind or on paper with different words and phrases you can use to explain what you feel in a way that is authentic to you and may be easier for your partner to hear .

It’s not necessary—or advisable—to pretend or deny how you feel or what you want. Instead, focus on the priorities of the situation and find a way you can phrase your requests to communicate what you want clearly and effectively.

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Susie and Otto Collins are certified transformation coaches who help you awaken love and possibility in your life.