For anyone who has ever felt unappreciated in their marriage

I’ve recently talked to many of you who left long-term relationships because your significant other wasn’t giving you what you needed, mentally and emotionally. They didn’t put in the effort, listen, or pay attention; they just kept going because they had already “caught” you and for some reason they didn’t understand that they would need the same effort to stop you.

Perhaps you can identify with feeling anchored by someone who isn’t willing to put the same effort into the relationship or themselves as you do. That “ball and chain” feeling of dragging someone along who either completely refuses to learn and grow or is simply not interested in it while you do it.

If you have felt unappreciated in your marriage, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you gave your time, energy and effort to someone who wouldn’t give you the same in return.

I’m sorry you had to learn the hard way that being in a bad relationship will make you feel lonelier than being single. I’m sorry that you gave this person a part of your life that you can never get back.

But don’t put yourself down too much, because you actually got something in return. You have perspective. You have gained a greater ability to recognize the qualities that you have and that you do not want in a future teammate.

You have gained the ability to draw a line and say, “I will no longer accept this in my life.” Only a person who has not given you what you need can provide you with this ability. That’s the silver lining.

Of course, no one is perfect and we cannot expect anyone to know our wants and needs if we do not communicate with them. But that’s what communication in relationships is all about. The ability not only to speak, but also to listen, absorb and, above all, act on what we have learned.

Even worse than passive apathy is someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. Someone insecure will also try to break you so that you don’t dare to leave him. A 2023 study confirms that insecurity can ruin relationships.

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They will consistently discourage you or point out your mistakes and flaws. This is unacceptable and you need to leave this person because he will not change.

I understand that some of you feel the need to “fix” this person – and work harder to gain their approval so that they will finally love you for who you are and stop making you feel bad about yourself – but here’s the harsh reality: no they will stop. They won’t stop because these problems have nothing to do with you.

It doesn’t matter how much you change or improve to please them because you are not the problem. They project their insecurities onto you so they don’t have to face them within themselves.

They go beyond making you underappreciated and actually try to lower your self-esteem. The moment you feel like you have to prove yourself is the moment you have to leave. If you are not appreciated in your relationship, the first step is to ask yourself if you have been honest and open about what you want and need.

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Some spouses simply don’t have the emotional intelligence to pick up on your nonverbal signals that you’re feeling unappreciated, and they need a little more help.

Don’t condemn them at first; give them a chance to work on their shortcomings. If the same problems repeat themselves – over and over again, promise after promise and apology after apology – don’t ignore that huge red flag waving in your face.

This is the same person you find behind the desk, working hard enough to avoid getting fired. When the hammer is about to fall, they try to hold on a little harder, but they can’t be judged by those moments. What matters is everyday life and what they do when they don’t have to.

You deserve better than an emotional slacker; You deserve better than someone who is not interested in connecting with you on a deeper level; You deserve better than the person who sent a representative on your first dates for a few weeks/months until you committed to them, and then showed you their true colors, making you feel trapped.

Your self-esteem does not depend on how much someone else appreciates or disappreciates you.

That’s why it’s called self-esteem… and you have to stay true to it. A 2022 study found that high self-esteem is associated with better social relationships and a happier life. You have to set the bar at a certain level and don’t accept anyone into your life who won’t rise to meet it.

Be strong, be positive, and above all, stay true to yourself. Someone will come and appreciate you for being you.

James Michael Sam is an internationally recognized speaker, author and personal development trainer. He has become a respected expert on media outlets including CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS and more.